


To Heal a Broken Heart

by lanibb2013



Category: The Blacklist (TV)
Genre: Agnes is Red's kid, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Damaged Red, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Excessive Drinking, F/M, Insequrity in Red, Lizzington - Freeform, Misunderstandings, Physical Abuse, Physical Disability, Possessive Red, Post episode AU Solomon Conclusion, Psychological Trauma, Slow Burn, Smoking, Tom Keen gone
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2018-07-14 04:08:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 23
Words: 72,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7152884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lanibb2013/pseuds/lanibb2013
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Lizzie ‘died’ Red was distraught and completely lost without her. He becomes a hermit with only Dembe and Kate Kaplan knowing where he is hiding.  A few years later a ghost shows up on his doorstep and he is both confused and hurt at the same time.  He is even more damaged physically and emotionally than he was years before. Can he accept the betrayal and move on or will everything fall apart yet again?</p><p>This is my first attempt at Lizzington so please bear with me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Reunion

**Author's Note:**

> I have this head cannon that Agnes is Really Red's child.....Any way this is just my thing because I don't like Tom lol
> 
> 1\. In all the time Tom was Married to Liz they never got her pregnant then after she had been on the run poof? Nah  
> 2\. What did happen the night they spent in that shipping container?  
> 3\. Why did their dynamic change so drastically after she was exonerated?  
> 4\. Why did Red seem much more possessive and hurt when it came to Liz?
> 
> Inspired by this song:
> 
> The Reason  
> \----------  
> Hoobastank
> 
> I'm not a perfect person  
> There's many things I wish I didn't do  
> But I continue learning  
> I never meant to do those things to you  
> And so I have to say before I go  
> That I just want you to know
> 
> I've found a reason for me  
> To change who I used to be  
> A reason to start over new  
> and the reason is you
> 
> I'm sorry that I hurt you  
> It's something I must live with everyday  
> And all the pain I put you through  
> I wish that I could take it all away  
> And be the one who catches all your tears  
> Thats why i need you to hear
> 
> I've found a reason for me  
> To change who I used to be  
> A reason to start over new  
> and the reason is You
> 
> and the reason is You [x3]
> 
> I'm not a perfect person  
> I never meant to do those things to you  
> And so I have to say before I go  
> That I just want you to know
> 
> I've found a reason for me  
> To change who I used to be  
> A reason to start over new  
> and the reason is you
> 
> I've found a reason to show  
> A side of me you didn't know  
> A reason for all that I do  
> And the reason is you

After Lizzie died Red was completely lost. He tried to make up with Tom in order to be a part of Agnes’ life but the younger man made it perfectly clear he was unwanted because he was the cause of Lizzie’s death. He drowned his sorrows in an opium den for a while hoping he’d kill himself in an overdose but he was thrown out so he took a taxi to Cape May, NJ. He spent weeks up there hallucinating Lizzie’s mother until he finally realized she wasn’t real. Then he went to tell her grandfather about her death. He wished he had told her the truth about everything before she died because he had never planned on out living her. That was also why he never told her he was in love with her. He was 60 years old and old enough to be her father even though he wished for more out of their relationship. When she was going under the meds he was certain she was trying to tell him she loved him because of her use of his given name which she had never called him by except the night they made love on the freight ship. He both regretted and cherished that night because she was his for that night. He regretted it because he was weak and they were both drunk. She was just so beautiful to him and his North Star. He even admitted it to her when he was drunk enough to have a loose tongue. He eventually came back to the world and helped chase down and get rid of everyone that had anything to do with Lizzie’s death before disappearing again. He personally killed Solomon himself and enjoyed torturing him first. He found a nice cottage on a Caribbean island and only told Dembe and Kate Kaplan where he went. 

Dembe was extremely worried about Raymond so he stayed with his friend and took care of him while the older man sunk into a deep depression. He nursed him back to health when he was badly hurt while chasing Solomon. He would watch Raymond mope around the cottage heavily leaning on his cane as he looked out the window or sit and cry for hours while he drank himself into oblivion. He watched this as it went on for almost 4 years before there was a knock on the door. He wasn’t surprised to find Kate Kaplan but completely shocked to see the guest she had brought with her. He asked, “Elizabeth?”

Liz looked at Dembe and smiled before replying, “Yes. It’s good to see you, Dembe. I’d like you to meet Agnes. I’ve come here for Red. I hear he’s not doing too well.”

Dembe sighed, “He is not doing well at all. He is full of self loathing. He blames himself for your death. He seems to be drinking himself into an early grave. After losing you he is completely broken. He does not wish to live without you in his life, Elizabeth.”  
Liz sighed, “I know. Kate told me and I know he will be angry at me but he needs me. I can’t let him drink himself to death over me. I knew he was attached to me but I never realized he was this attached. Can you take me to him and keep an eye on Agnes?”  
Dembe replied, “Of course. I hope you can snap him out of this self destructive downward spiral. It pains me to see my brother like this.”

Liz followed Dembe into the living room where she saw Red standing by the window leaning on a cane. He was only wearing a pair of sweat pants and a baggy wrinkled tee-shirt. His hair was longer and more unkempt than it had been before she disappeared. She gasped, “Oh, Red.” When he turned around she saw he had stubble and bags under his eyes. She also noticed he had gained quite a bit of weight around the middle as well. He always did have a chubby belly but now it was rounded as well. She suddenly had an urge to rub it and knew it was inappropriate at the moment.

Red had heard the footsteps behind him but thought he was hallucinating when he heard Lizzie’s voice. Then when he turned around he truly though he had lost it because there stood Lizzie a few feet in front of him. He croaked, ”Lizzie? Am I dead?”  
Lizzie walked closer and replied, “No. You are not dead.”

Red sighed, “Then I must be hallucinating again.” He turned back to the window and ignored her. He had been hallucinating for 4 years and wishing she would just come and take him so his agony would be over. He was so tired of living without her. He was completely shocked when he felt her hand on his shoulder.

Lizzie placed her hand on his shoulder and said, “Red, It’s me. Your Lizzie. Please say something at least.” She placed the other on his cheek.

Red hesitantly reached out with his free hand and placed his free hand over hers on his cheek. He felt his legs give out and fell hard to his knees on the floor and she followed him. He felt her wrap her arms around him and he sobbed on her shoulder. He croaked, “Lizzie…Oh Lizzie.” 

Liz held him close while he cried and knew this was just the first stage of him accepting she was alive. She knew he’d move on to anger but she’s deal with that when he got there. She whispered in his ear, “It’s all right. I’m right here. I’m not going to leave you again. I’m sorry, Red.” She soon realized he was rather heavy against her and had fallen asleep. She saw Dembe and was relieved when the younger man picked up Red and took him to the bedroom.

Dembe was relieved because his friend had not slept at all since losing Lizzie. He picked the older man up gently and was glad he was very strong as he carried his friend to the master bedroom hoping now that she was back he would sleep for a while. After he led her out of the bedroom he said, “Raymond has not slept very well since losing you. He never did sleep well but it became worse after you were gone. I’m hoping now that he knows you are alive he will sleep for a while because he needs it. Maybe you should stay with him in case he wakes. I will watch Agnes for you.”

Liz replied, “All right I’ll stay with him. Thank you.” She curled up next to Red on the bed and watched him while he slept. He did look a bit younger than his years while he slept. She wasn’t sure what his actual age happens to be but she figured he was at least in his 50’s because of his lifelong friendship with her father. She gently carded her fingers through his hair and watched him unconsciously move his head closer to her and sigh in his sleep before starting to softly snore. She lightly kissed his forehead before getting comfortable and closing her eyes with her hand gently resting on his soft belly. She knew she was taking a liberty doing so but it seemed to calm him when she touched him. 

When Red woke up again he looked around and noticed it was dark out so it must be night. He looked at his alarm clock and realized he had slept for 12 hours but wasn’t quite sure how he got to his bed or why. Another thing that surprised him was he felt another person in bed with him and could tell by the small hand on his belly that it was probably a woman. He reached over and turned on the nightstand light and his eyes grew huge as he saw his Lizzie sleeping next to him. He suddenly remembered what happened and his only thought was that he looked like a fat bedraggled cat. He slipped out of the bed and stumbled to the bathroom deciding to take a shower and shave at least. He got out of the shower and looked at himself in the mirror and knew he needed a hair cut but tried to comb it anyway. He slipped on a pair of boxers and a tee-shirt before tackling his unruly hair. He was still fighting with his hair when he noticed her in the bathroom mirror. He croaked, “Lizzie…”

Liz noticed Red wasn’t in bed anymore so she got up and went looking for him. She soon found him standing in front of the bathroom mirror. She noticed he had showered and shaved but was having trouble with his hair. She gently got him to sit down on the toilet and started trimming his hair with a pair of scissors she found in the bathroom. When she was done he was able to comb it neatly and she kissed his balding spot on the back of his head. She said, “If you want it shorter I’d suggest you go to a barber but this should work for now.” 

Red whispered, “Thank you, Lizzie.” He was still in the shocked awe faze. He couldn’t believe she was here with him and not 6 feet under in the plot he had bought for her when she was a child. He felt her kiss the spot in the back of his head where he knew his hair was thinning and sighed. He knew he should feel betrayal and anger at what she had done but he was just too happy she was back with him. He watched her leave and followed as if in a daze. He automatically dressed in a pair of gray suit pants, vest and purple and white striped dress shirt. He had to sit down on his bed because his leg was throbbing.

Liz noticed Red sit down and start rubbing his leg. She asked, “Can I help, Red?”

Red hissed, “I need my cane…I’m sorry…I’m not a well man…”

Lizzie squatted in front of him and placed a hand on his opposite knee. She got him to look at her and replied, “It’s all right. I’ll go get your cane. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” She watched him nod and took off to the living room for his cane. When she came back in the bedroom he was still sitting on the bed with a hand on his belly absently scratching it through his shirt. She smiled warmly at him having finished putting himself together while she was gone. She sat next to him on the bed and said, “I have your cane, Red.”

Red lifted his head and looked at her before clearing his throat. He replied, “Thank you. I…know I should be madder than hell at you for doing what you did but I don’t have the energy to get angry. I’m too old and tired. I will expect answers from you but not now. I need to adjust to you being alive again first. I do expect one thing though right now. I want your word you will NEVER do something like that to me again. I will NOT be able to survive it a second time. This I require if I am to allow you back into my life, Lizzie.” He held his hand out to her and when she took it he sighed in relief.

Liz took his hand and replied, “All right, Red. I promise I will never do that again. I had no idea how hurt you would be by my loss and I am sorry. I thought I was just a pawn to you in your game of getting rid of the blacklisters.”

Red tightened his hand around hers and replied, “No, Lizzie. You mean far more to me than that. You are my life and what keeps me going. You are EVERYTHING to me. You are my North Star and my hope, light, and redemption. I am completely lost without you. If you left me again…I would not go on this time. I would kill myself….I tried to after you….left. I had lost everything that mattered to me so many times but you were the last straw.”

Liz replied, “I’m sorry. Can you forgive me? I had no idea you were in love with me until after I had disappeared. Kate told me how you fell apart and collapsed when you realized I was gone. I never thought you would be devastated by my loss. I thought...you'd just bounce back and move on. If I had known I would have let Kate tell you before it happened but you went on a rampage after you came out of hiding then you disappeared like smoke again. Until recently she wouldn’t even tell me where you were…Only that you were still alive and that Dembe was with you.”

Red replied, “I….can forgive you anything. I just need time. I was....AM extremely hurt.”

Lizzie replied, “Fair enough. I’d like you to meet someone if you feel up to it.”

Red nodded and replied, “All right.” He got up and took the cane from Lizzie. He followed her out to the living room while she called Dembe to bring in someone. He was surprised by who came in the room with his friend.

Lizzie watched Red’s eyes go wide as saucers when he saw Agnes and smiled. She took her daughter’s hand and gently encouraged her to go to him. She said, “It’s all right. He won’t hurt you.”

Red watched the 4 year old girl slowly come over to him and looked at Lizzie. He asked, “Is this….?” He saw her nod at him and he fell painfully to his knees and waited for her to come over to him. 

Agnes looked at the middle aged man and said, “I’m Agnes. What’s your name?”

Red choked, “I’m known by many as Red.”

Agnes replied, “That’s funny to be named after a color.”

Red replied, “It’s a nickname.”

Agnes asked, “Can I have a nickname?”

Red replied, “If your mom says it’s all right, then yeah we can give you one.”

Agnes replied, “Good. Can I hug you?”

Red croaked, “If…you want.” He soon had a little girl hugging him around his neck so he hesitantly wrapped his arms around her in a hug. 

Agnes asked, “You gonna be my daddy?”

Liz exclaimed, “Agnes!”

Red asked, “What about your real daddy?"

Agnes replied, “I don’t got a daddy.”

Red looked up and asked, “What happened to Tom, Lizzie?”

Liz sighed, “He put her up for adoption and Kate got her back when she was 6 months old. She doesn’t know Tom. Please don’t say it, Red. I all ready know.”

Red replied, “I’m sorry, Lizzie. I wish I had been wrong.”He painfully stood up with Dembe’s help before going to sit on the sofa and pulling out a cigarette. He watched Agnes come over and hold her arms out to be picked up. He put the cigarette between his lips and lit it before helping her up into his lap. He let her get comfortable leaning against his shoulder while he had his cigarette.

Liz said, “She doesn’t take to just anyone. She likes you, Red. It’s only fitting that she does though.”

Red blew out smoke and replied, “Why is that?”

Liz replied, “You’re her father.”

Red looked down at the sleeping child in his arms and bitterly laughed, “I will play the role of her father if you decide to stay with me but she is still Tom’s child. I will not take my hatred of him on her but she is his kid.”

Liz sighed, “No. I lied or more correctly didn’t say anything. I was 3 months pregnant when I found out. We were on the run when she was created. We can get a DNA test done if that would convince you she's yours.”

Red replied, “Three? But how….Oh. The freight ship! My God. No..I believe you. Why did you let me think she was his?”

Liz replied, “Because after that night, Raymond…You pushed me away. Then after we cleared my name you acted like it didn’t mean anything…Then when I told you I was pregnant you just assumed it was Tom’s and acted like you didn’t want a family. You offered to take care of it! What was I supposed to assume?”

Red replied, “No. I just didn’t think it could be mine. We only had one night..as for ‘taking care’ of it…I meant if you wanted to keep it or get rid of it…I’d help you with whatever you decided. I’d never force you to choose one way or the other. As for a family....I lost all that years ago....but if I was to start over it would have been with you. I was....hoping you might have wanted to.....share my life, Lizzie. I’m sorry if you ever thought differently.”

Liz sat next to Red on the sofa while being careful not to wake Agnes. She placed a hand on his arm and replied, "Raymond....I love you. I did what I did to protect OUR daughter. I also did it because I thought if I was gone then you'd move on. You didn't give a damn about your own life as long as I was safe. I was trying to keep you safe by not giving you a reason to sacrifice yourself. I couldn't bear it if you died because of me. It took a long time for me to accept that I loved you more than anything in the world. After you pushed me away I thought you only protected me because you felt obligated to keep your word to me."

Red replied, "Oh, Lizzie. I thought you were regretting.....being with me that night so I did the only thing I could do. I hid behind the mask I've had to in order to survive. I thought that.....as long as I could be any part of your life.....even as just your protector....It was more than I have ever deserved."

Liz sighed, "You can't see it, can you? That you deserve to be loved and taken care of just like everyone else. You are so...damaged that you think you are beneath having someone return your love."

Red whispered, "I don't deserve it, Lizzie. I...lost my chance long ago."

Liz asked, "Why don't you think you deserve it?"

Red crushed out his cigarette and wiped the tears from his eyes with his fingers before replying, "You said it yourself.....I'm a monster. I am angry over you faking your death but.....I know I deserved it. I don't deserve you or Agnes. I needed to be reminded that you....deserve far better than a broken, bitter, old man. The only thing I can offer you is my......broken body and damaged soul. I'm well aware that when I die....I will go to hell and burn for eternity for what I've done.....because I AM a monster."

Liz said, "No. You can be a monster and it was wrong of me to say that is all you are but I couldn't see past that. It was too early in our relationship. Now I can see you are so much more than that. You can be monstrous, cruel and ruthless but you can also be loving, kind, caring, and very sweet when you want to be. You are also extremely loyal to those you love. I didn't have the right to do what I did to you."

Red cleared his throat and rasped, "You had every right too. There....was no other way I was going to leave you. I couldn't....can't. You are too....important to me. I planned on...dying when I got shot by Solomon. I even begged him to do it. He would have if Dembe hadn't disarmed him."

Liz asked, "Is that what happened to your leg?"

Red put his fist to his lips before he ground out, "He.....shattered my hip...It was too bad to fix properly so it's left me with a lot of pain, weakness and the constant need for a damn cane for the rest of my life. I'm a crippled old man, Lizzie. Why on earth would you even want me now?"

Liz took his hand and replied, "Because I love you. I don't even care about your past. I just want Raymond Reddington...my friend, protector, father of my child...you. I just want you."

Red rasped, "You've always had me. For longer than you can imagine, Lizzie."

Liz stood up and leaned down to kiss the top of his head before replied, "I want to stay. I want Agnes to grow up knowing her father....Her real father. In time maybe we can be a family."

Red replied, "OK.." He felt Lizzie take Agnes out of his arms and had to force himself too let her go. He blinked back tears as he lit another cigarette. He looked at his watch and realized it was really late. It was no surprise the child was asleep. He had thought he'd never see Agnes again and now knew why the thought bothered him so much. He had felt a connection but didn't realize it was because he was her father. After he ground out that cigarette he took his cigarettes and light before he painfully got up and went outside and sat on the porch swing. He looked up when he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

Dembe found his friend on the porch and handed him a glass of water and evening meds. He said, "Time for your pills, Raymond."

Red took the offered glass and pills before throwing them all in his mouth and swallowing them with the water. He handed the empty glass back to his friend and replied, "Thank you, Dembe. I....haven't acted very grateful the last 4 years....I am sorry. I have not told you thank you for.....staying and putting up with all my bullshit."

Dembe replied, "You are my friend and brother, Raymond. You saved me from a life of cruelty and I owe my life to you. You were the closest thing I had to a father. You are my family...Just as much as my daughter and grandchild are. I will be by your side until you take your last breath if I can be."

Red replied, "I don't deserve your loyalty anymore than I deserve Lizzie's love but I am honored to have you in my life. You have always been here for me...even when I've been an asshole to you the last 4 years."

Dembe replied, "You are my friend, Raymond. I will always be here."

Red said, "I need to ask another favor of you....If anything happens to me....I worry about Lizzie and our child...."

Dembe replied, "I will stay with her and the child should anything happens to you. They are your family so they are mine as well. I'm assuming she and the child are staying?"

Red replied, "Yes, Dembe. She wishes to stay and be a family. I am unaware of what she means by that except for raising Agnes together...I wish for more but I doubt it after everything that has happened between us. I am just grateful she came back to me and I have a beautiful daughter she is allowing me to know."

Dembe asked, "Agnes? Weren't you under the impression she was Tom Keen's child. How is she yours?"

Red replied, "Apparently I was wrong. She was three months along when she found out she was having a child. It had only been two months since she was exonerated. We were together while we were on the freighter. I didn't even consider the child being full term because it was small enough to be premature at birth. My baby girl....I still can't believe it."

Dembe replied, "I'm not accusing her of anything but are you sure?"

Red sighed, "She offered to get a DNA test to prove it if I wanted it...but if we are to work out we need to trust each other again. Agnes does not look like Keen at any rate. She has hazel eyes, light brown hair, and round face. It doesn't matter anyway. She will be raised as my flesh and blood. I will give her my name if Lizzie will allow it.."

Dembe replied, "All right. Will Elizabeth be taking your name as well, Raymond?"

Red replied, "I.....don't know. If you are asking if we will marry....I don't know...She may just only want me as a housemate and father for Agnes. I would like to make her my wife someday but.....she probably won't wish to marry someone like me. Not now anyway. I'm nothing but a cripple old man now."

Dembe replied, "Very well. Will you be coming in soon? I believe Elizabeth may start looking for you."

Red replied, "No. I need to be alone right now. Tell Lizzie she should go to bed. I will see her in the morning." He lit a cigarette and took a long drag on it before taking the ashtray Dembe offered him and watched his friend go back in the cottage.


	2. Red & Agnes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red and Agnes get to know each other

Red got lost in his thoughts and when he looked at his watch again when the sun started to rise he realized he had been out there all night. He lit another cigarette and took a drag on it right before a tiny blur ran out and over to him and a small pair of arms wrapped around his legs.

Agnes had heard Red was on the porch so she ran out and found him. She wrapped her arms around his legs and asked, "Can I stay with you, Red? Mommy busy."

Red replied, "You can stay with me if you want, Agnes. Here I'll help you up."

Agnes let him help her on the swing and swung her legs while she watched him smoking. She asked, "You feel ok? You look sad."

Red scratched his eyebrow with the hand his cigarette was in and cleared his throat. He rasped, "Just old and tired."

Agnes said, "You not old."

Red laughed, "You have no idea how old I am."

Agnes replied, "You not old to me. I like you."

Red replied, "Thanks." He took a drag on his cigarette and blew it out as he felt her curl into his side. He let her get comfortable against his shoulder and felt her playing with the buttons on his vest. He ground out his cigarette and looked up as the door opened and Lizzie came outside.

Lizzie saw Agnes curled up against Red and said, "Agnes..You shouldn't be bothering Red."

Red said, "It's all right, Lizzie. I don't mind...Really I don't. She can come to me any time she wants too."

Lizzie replied, "If you're sure...Breakfast is ready for everyone."

Red saw the expectant look on Agnes' face and said, "Go on. I'll be there in a few minutes." He watched her jump down and run inside after her mother and smiled. Eventually he forced his stiff body to get up and limp into the cottage leaning heavily on his cane as he went. When he unceremoniously flopped on a chair at the kitchen table rubbing his bad side Dembe handed him his morning pills with a cup of coffee. He watched Lizzie bustle around placing dishes on the table in front of everyone. He saw everyone sit down to eat together..Lizzie even managed to get Dembe to eat with them. He wasn't really hungry but ate some of his breakfast because he had to eat with his pills and his Lizzie went through all the trouble to cook it.

Agnes was watching Red from her chair off to his left and noticed him rubbing his leg and wondered if it had anything to do with his funny walk. Not that it mattered because she liked him even if he did walk funny and smoke a lot. After breakfast she watched him stumble as he stood up but Dembe caught him before he could fall. She excused herself from the table after she was done eating and went to find Red. She found him in the bedroom across from the one she slept in laying on the big bed. She was looking over the edge of the bed and ducked when his eyes snapped open.

Red decided he should rest because he was tired and weak so he went to his room to lay down for a while. He heard a pair of light feet running across the hardwood floor in his room. He caught Agnes' head jerk below the edge of the bed when his eyes snapped open because he knew he was being watched. He sighed, "I know you're there, Agnes. It's all right. You can sit with me if you want. I can't promise I'll stay awake though. Meds are kicking in now."

Agnes scrambled up on the bed and sat cross legged next to him. She asked, "This your room?"

Red replied, "Yes. This is my room. You are welcome here whenever you wish during the day. I need to rest quite often anymore so I am in here a lot. If you really need me you can wake me but please let me rest if I am asleep and you just want to chat. I'll be more than happy to talk when I wake up."

Agnes replied, "OK. You want me to go?"

Red yawned and mumbled, "No. Just let me sleep a while." 

Agnes replied, "OK." She sat down next to him and watched his breathing slow down and giggled when she heard him start to snore. His snore sounded like mommy's old coffee pot percolating. She smiled and remembered her mommy telling her this unusual man was her father last night. She was happy that he was friendly with her even though he didn't know her until now. She ran her small fingers over his forehead before kissing his cheek. She watched him smile in his sleep and scoot closer to her.

When Liz noticed Agnes was missing she ran through the house until she found he sitting cross legged on Red's bed petting his hair as the man slept. She almost pulled her out but decided against it because Agnes was trying to bond with him in her own way.  
When Red woke up again he felt he was being watched and smiled when he saw it was Agnes. He reached a hand toward her and let it rest on her knee with a smile. He was relieved when she smiled back. He gently tugged on her to get her to lay down next to him. When she had curled against his side with her head on his shoulder he wrapped his arm around her. He felt her playing with the buttons on his shirt and placed his hand over hers where it was resting on the curve of his belly. He asked, "What's on your mind?"

Agnes asked, "We stay with you now?"

Red replied, "Yes. You and your mom are staying with me."

Agnes replied, "Good. Want to stay with you."

Red hugged her and replied, "Good. I want you to stay with me too."

Agnes asked, "You love mommy?"

Red swallowed and rasped, "I...Yes. No matter what has happened...I do love Lizzie more than anything. I always will even after all of...the things we've been through."

Agnes asked, "You love me?"

Red rasped, "I....can given time. I just need time. Can you do that? Give me time?"

Agnes whispered, "Ok, Red."

Red hugged her and replied, "No matter what I promise I will be here for both of you for as long as I can be. No matter what happens I will be here if possible." He felt Agnes nod against his shoulder and turned his head to kiss her hair. Eventually he sat up and made his way to the bathroom. 

Agnes held out her arms to Red when he sat in his chair and set his cane aside. She curled up against his chest with her head tucked under his chin after he lit a cigarette. She felt his free arm wrap around her to steady her and placed her hand on his belly over his shirt.

That night after Dinner Red was laying in bed alone thinking when Agnes crawled in bed with him. He turned his head and asked, "What's the matter, Agnes?"

Agnes asked, "I sleep with you? Bad dream."

Red sighed, "All right." He felt her curl up under the covers with her tiny hand on his belly and head on his shoulder. He fell asleep with his little girl protectively in his arms. He was already beginning to love her. He was surprised when something unexpected happened 2 years later. He had to go away on a business affair that unfortunately Dembe couldn't deal with himself. He had been gone for 2 months when he finally walked in the door of the home he now shared with Liz and Agnes.

Agnes looked up from playing on the floor when she heard the uneven gait of her father and his cane. She hopped up and ran over, wrapping her arms around his legs. She yelled, "Daddy! You're home!" She noticed him stiffen suddenly and was confused. She stammered, "I sorry. What I do?"

Red stiffened when Agnes called him daddy because he hadn't been called that since he had lost his first family. He rasped, "Nothing, Agnes. Excuse me." He was about to start sobbing and knew he had to get away from her or she would see him fall apart. He didn't even hug her before leaving the room to go to his study and shut the door. He pulled out a bottle of whiskey and proceeded to get drunk. 

Agnes asked, "What I do?" She was beyond confused because he usually didn't just walk away like that. She ran to her room and fell on the bed crying.

Liz came home to Red locked in his study, Dembe shaking his head, and Agnes crying. She asked, "What happened?"

Dembe replied, "Agnes called Raymond...a name he hasn't been called in a very long time. It tends to....cause him much pain, Elizabeth. He did not mean to hurt the child. He loves her...He just needed to be alone."

Liz went in and sat next to Agnes and asked, "What did you call Raymond?"

Agnes whispered, "I called him daddy. Why does Red hate me, mommy?"

Liz replied, "Oh, pumpkin. He loves you. It's just been a really long time since he's had a family or been called daddy. He's still learning to accept we are here to stay. Sometimes...certain things trigger memories that are very painful and sad. He just needs time to mourn again. I'll go talk to him." She went to his study and sighed at the sight she saw. He was sitting in the chair with a half empty bottle of whiskey and a full ashtray of cigarette but next to him on the table. He also have a half full tumbler in one hand and a cigarette in the other. She sighed, "Oh, Raymond." 

Red looked at her through a drunken haze and slurred, "You know what Agnes called me? She called me daddy, Lizzie. Daddy! I haven't been called that in 30 years. My daughter... was killed in a hit and run after I hid her and her mom."

Liz replied, "She loves you. You are her dad, Raymond. Why shouldn't she call you daddy?"

Red croaked, "I never said she shouldn't....It just dredged up old memories."

Liz sighed, "Well because of your less than loving exit Agnes thinks you hate her because she called you daddy."

Red looked right at her and groaned, "God no. I could never hate her. I just didn't want her to see me weak like that. It should be a happy moment the first time your little girl calls you daddy. For me it was....devastating. I just couldn't let my little girl...see me fall apart because she called me...daddy. I'm sorry."

Liz sighed, "I'm not the one you need to apologize to, Raymond."

Red wiped his thumb over his cheeks to remove the tears and rasped, "You're right, Lizzie. Is she still awake?"

Liz replied, "Yes. She's in her room. How much have you had?"

Red replied, "About 4 glasses. I'm not drunk if that's what you are worried about. Tipsy yes but I haven't had near enough to actually get drunk."

Liz replied, "All right but if you fall on your face...you can stay where you land until morning." She hated to be mean but he had promised her he wouldn't drink more than 2 tumblers of scotch in a night because of Agnes.

Red stumbled his way to Agnes' bedroom and sat heavily on the bed. He gently shook her and waited for her to roll to face him. He rasped, "I'm sorry. I was very...cold to you earlier and I'm sorry."

Agnes asked, "Why? What did I say, daddy?" She noticed the wince he made on the word daddy.

Red rasped, "I.....haven't been called daddy in 30 years. Let's just say it's a very painful memory. My.....little girl...is gone forever....I'll never....see her again. When you called me daddy...it just opened a painful wound."

Agnes whispered, "Oh, sorry. I thought you were my daddy."

Red cleared his throat and replied, "I am.....I was just not expecting you to call me....daddy."

Agnes cried, "You don't want to be my daddy?"

Red pulled her to sit up and wrapped his arms around her. He whispered, "I'm honored to be your daddy. I never thought I'd ever get a second chance. It's just going to take time to get used to you calling me that."

Agnes whispered, "I don't..."

Red kissed her temple and cleared his throat. He rasped, "If you want to call me.....daddy....Then I'm honored...I just need time to adjust to it. In time it will hurt less to hear that word."

Agnes asked, "I can call you daddy?"

Red croaked, "Yes....You can call me daddy, sweetheart."

Agnes wrapped her arms around him and cried, "Thank you. I love you, Daddy."

Red kissed her hair and whispered, "I love you too, Agnes."

Agnes stopped crying and asked "Can you give me a name, daddy?"

Red asked, "What do you mean?"

Agnes replied, "Like you have but one that only you call me."

Red chuckled, "You want me to give you a nickname?"

Agnes replied, "Yea. One only you call me."

Red replied, "All right let me think about that, ok?"

Agnes replied, "OK, daddy."

Red said, "Now I think it's bedtime for you."

Agnes replied, "Daddy?"

Red replied, "Hmm?"

Agnes stammered, "Will....you tell me a story?"

Red replied, "All right." He then proceeded to tell her one of his crazy stories from his life. Before the end he had her cheered up and giggling at his crazy life. He eventually tucked her in, kissed her forehead and said, "Good night, sweetheart."

Agnes leaned up and kissed his cheek. She said, "Night, daddy."

A few minutes later Red was sitting in his study when he heard Lizzie walk in. He said, "Agnes wishes for me to give her a nickname that only I'll call her. I have no idea what to call her."

Liz replied, "I would suggest a name that is special and unique. Possibly one that means something to you."

Red sighed, "There is only one name that means anything special to me, Lizzie."

Liz replied, "What one is it?"

Red licked his lips and quietly replied, "Masha."

Liz gasped, "My birth name?"

Red replied, "Yes. You are no longer Masha Restova but it is the only name I feel ties you and Agnes together to me."

Liz whispered, "Then I guess you found her nickname."

Red replied, "You don't...?"

Liz replied, "mind? No. I have no use for the name anymore. If it is special to you because of me...then it's fine." She lightly kissed Red on his balding spot before leaving him on his own. She was actually rather glad he didn't peach fuzz his head again. She thought he looked a bit younger with a full head of hair even with the slowly balding spot in the back and it receding a bit in the front. He combed it to cover the front and she had to smile because you'd never know if he hadn't shaved his head before. She also noticed the hair at his temples where he shaped his side burns was turning gray.


	3. Curious Kids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agnes wonders about a few things....

A few days later Red was sitting in his chair in the living room when Agnes crawled in to his lap. He had just lit a cigar and took a drag before blowing out the smoke. He said, "Hello, Agnes."

Agnes knelt on his leg and kissed his cheek. She said, "Hi, daddy." She settled on his good leg before leaning on his shoulder.

Red took a couple of drags on his cigar and tapped the ashes into the ash tray. He liked cigars more but cigarettes were easier to carry after he truly starting smoking after Lizzie....left. He used to only smoke a cigar every so often but he wound up using smoking as a coping mechanism and it just made more sense to switch to cigarettes and save the cigars for when he really desired one or special occasions. He had been smoking 2-3 packs a day when Lizzie found him. Since she came back into his life he had cut down to 1 pack a day and the occasional cigar. He wanted to stick around for his little girl so he had cut back. He said, "You remember you asked me to give you a special name, Agnes?"

Agnes looked up at him expectantly and replied, "Yes. You pick one?"

Red replied, "Yes...Is Masha all right?"

Agnes asked, "Masha? Why?"

Red replied, "That is the name of a little girl I saved many years ago. One that I love very dearly but does not use the name anymore. That child grew up to be a beautiful woman with a beautiful daughter of her own."

Agnes asked, "Mommy?"

Red replied, "Yes. Masha was your mom's original name. I just felt it would be a good match for you. You look like her when she was your age. You look like my little Masha."

Agnes replied, "Ok, daddy."

Red kissed her temple and replied, "OK. You'll be my little Masha." He coughed on the cigar smoke at the girl's next question.

Agnes asked, "Why you and mommy not sleep in same bed?"

Red coughed and rasped, "Sometimes parents don't share a bed. As much as I may like to be close to Lizzie again...I don't think she wishes to share a room let alone a bed with me. Why are you even asking that?"

Agnes asked, "Mommy misses you. Ask her. Besides all my friends at school say their parents share a bed."

Red croaked, "No. She needs to ask. I don't deserve that right. I'm.....not really good enough for her. Now why don't we go outside and you can play. Just stay in the yard where I can see you."

Agnes replied, "OK, daddy." She slid out of his lap and waited on the porch until he came out before running into the yard and playing with her sand box and other toys. When she heard him call her she ran over and wrapped herself around his legs.

Red chuckled, "You are going to need a bath when your mom get home, young lady." The child was streaked with dirt and sand. Her clothes were just as dirty.

Agnes asked, "You give me bath?"

Red asked, "Wouldn't you rather your mom give you one?"

Agnes replied, "Too fussy."

Red laughed, "How do you know I won't be?"

Agnes replied, "You a boy. Boy not fussy like mommy."

Red replied, "You never know..I may be fussier than your mom." He led to the bathroom and started her bath water. He took her to her room and let her help him pick out her pajamas. Then he led her back to the bathroom, rolled up his sleeves and helped her into the tub before painfully going on his knees. He suddenly realized he needed to get a stool if he was going to be doing this often because he wasn't going to be able to get up without Dembe's help from this position. He got her to sit still long enough to wash her hair and help her wash up. He smiled when she laughed while playing with her toys. He eventually pulled the plug and helped her out. He dried her off and helped her dress in her pajama's before he yelled for Dembe to help him up. 

Dembe ran into the bathroom and asked, "Did you fall, Raymond?"

Red laughed, "No, Dembe. I gave my girl a bath. It's time to invest in a stool for the old man if I am going to give her a bath." He was almost up when his bad leg gave out and he collapsed in his friend's arms.

Dembe said, "I got you. Easy. Good." When he got the older man on his feet he saw Agnes come over with the cane.

Red took the cane from Agnes and said, "Thank you both for the help. Sorry I'm so...helpless." He leaned heavily on his cane as he walked out of the bathroom into the living room to sit heavily in his chair. He found his cigarettes and lighter on the table and lit one taking a long drag on it. He hissed as Agnes crawled in his lap and accidentally kneed him in the groin. He croaked, "Could you move to my good leg, Masha? You just got me in a....delicate spot." When she kneed him in the groin again before she settled on his good leg he let out a pained ooff.

Agnes said, "Sorry, daddy."

Red croaked, "It's all right. You comfortable?"

Agnes replied, "Yes." She leaned back against his shoulder and placed her hand on his soft curved belly.

Red replied, "Ok." He wrapped his free arm around her waist and kissed the side of her head. 

Agnes whispered, "I love you, daddy."

Red rasped, "I know you do, Masha. I know you do." He had nodded off and was startled awake by the click of heels on the wood floors. He automatically pulled his gun out and pointed it in the direction of the noise until he saw it was Lizzie. He put the safety back on it before settling it on the end table his ashtray sat on. He didn't worry about Agnes getting a hold of it because he had the discussion with her and agreed to teach her to shoot when she was old enough as long as she didn't touch it without his permission and he had to be present.

Liz said, "Bit Jumpy?"

Red replied, "I have a family to protect, Lizzie. Not just myself anymore. I rather be prepared for trouble then get caught with my pants down."

Liz teased, "Depends on who catches you doesn't it?"

Red snarked, "You can catch me with my pants down whenever you like, Lizzie."

Liz chuckled, "Hmm. Are you a little frustrated, Raymond?"

Red chuckled, "No one can frustrate me like you, Lizzie."

Liz asked, "Did Agnes get a bath tonight?"

Red replied, "Yes. I gave her one."

Liz asked, "Oh?" She raised her eyebrow in surprise since this was the first time he had done that in 2 years.

Red sighed, "Firstly she asked me to. Second I'm crippled but not a total invalid. I will need a stool n the bathroom though if I am going to be helping her with baths though. Dembe had to pulled me up off the floor. Other than that it went rather well."

Liz sighed, "All right. If you don't mind giving her a bath...That would be helpful."

Red replied, "It's fine. I don't mind." Soon after that they all had dinner, he had his night meds and put Agnes to bed. He changed and slid under the covers to go to sleep.

Liz tucked Agnes in after reading her a story. She was getting ready to leave the room when the girl spoke.

Agnes asked, "Mommy? Why don't you share daddy's bed?"

Liz sat down on the bed and asked, "What brought that question on?"

Agnes replied, "I have bad dream I go to daddy. You not there. My friends parents share a bed and say if you don't it's not good."

Liz replied, "My relationship with Raymond is complicated. Besides I don't know that he even wants anything other than what we have."

Agnes said, "You ask him, mommy."

Liz sighed, "Good night, hunny." She kissed Agnes on the head before leaving the room with the door slightly ajar. She stopped at Red's bedroom door and before she could knock she heard him call out.

Red heard Lizzie stop by his door and after a minute called, "Come in, Lizzie." He turned his head and watched her silhouette as she came closer to the bed. As he looked back on it he knew it was unusual but she just curled up in the bed next to him and entwined her fingers with the hand he reached out to her with before closing her eyes. After that she would lay next to him every night and he wouldn't tell her to go away. They never talked about it but they were content to just be side by side as they slept holding hands. He was just grateful that after living together for 2 years that he got whatever she was willing to give a monster like him.


	4. Sharing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lizzie moves into Red's room and he shares a little about his past with both his girls. He also finds out that Agnes is very perceptive like her mom.

Six months after Liz started sharing Red's bed regularly she came home one day to find all her belongings moved out of her room. She found him in the yard sitting on a deck chair with his typical sunglasses and fedora on smoking a cigar watching Agnes play. She asked, "Where the hell are my things?"

Red looked up at her angry face and replied, "Forgive me but I took the liberty of having Dembe move all of your things into my room. I just thought it would be easier for you to not have to run back and forth between 2 rooms. If you do not wish to share my room I can have Dembe move everything back."

Liz sighed, "Is this your strange way of asking me to permanently share your bed?"

Red took a drag on his cigar and replied, "Technically, Lizzie, you all ready share my bed. Would I like to take it to the next step? That is up to you if or when you are ready. I will never make you do anything you do not wish too. Do you want me to have your belongings moved back?" He hoped she said no but he had a hard time reading her.

Liz sighed, "No. It's fine. We need a guest room anyway. You are right...I do spend most nights in your room anymore. May as well move completely in your room." She could tell behind the indifferent mask he was wearing that he would be hurt if she said no about sharing the room. She guessed this is the closest she was going to get to him making the first move as she was going to get for now.

Red sighed in relief when she agreed to share his room. It meant they were essentially a couple minus physical intimacy. Granted he would have to get used to having her clutter as well as his own but it was worth it to have Lizzie beside him at night. He cleared his throat and replied, "Thank you. As for the room we can turn it into an office or something for you if you want your own space. They only thing I want is for you and Masha to be happy living with me, Lizzie."

Liz replied, "Thank you. I know. Agnes adores you and is a very happy child considering what we've been through."

Red asked, "And what about you, Lizzie?"

Liz replied, "Yes. I am happy. I found out the hard way how empty my life was without you. I love you, Raymond. You are my best friend and have given me so much..Even when I told you to leave or wouldn't let you near Agnes. I was wrong to do those things."  
Red replied, "No, Lizzie. You had every right to throw me out. I may have fought more had I known Agnes was mine but I only wanted to protect the both of you. I'm sorry. I had become.....obsessively possessive of you after being with you. I needed you to tell me to go...I couldn't go on my own. I was in too deep. Still am. I.....would rather die than....loose you again."

Liz placed a hand on his shoulder and replied, "I'm not going anywhere. Neither is Agnes. You are her father and have every right to be part of her life. When I left....I was so afraid of dying or worse....you getting yourself killed trying to protect me. I couldn't let that happen. I didn't plan on you becoming a homicidal self destructive bastard. Then trying to drink yourself to death or give yourself lung cancer? I know you smoked cigars but going from one cigar every so often to 3 packs of cigarettes a day? Isn't that just a bit drastic? Even for you?"

Red whispered, "It was a coping mechanism. Granted a self destructive one but then I didn't care if I died. Life without you....Well....I may as well be dead, Lizzie." He never was good at talking about feelings because of the life he lead. His feelings for Lizzie were a very dangerous weakness that his enemies had and do use against him. Now with Agnes....He had two major weaknesses that will one day get him killed but he didn't care as long as they were all right.

Liz knelt on the ground next to his chair and asked, "Why are you so attached to me that you are suicidal without me?" 

Red rasped, "You are my ray of light. You are what drags me out of the darkness. I am a monster...but with you....I am different.....I want to be better...but at the same time I see who I really am and hate myself. Without you I have no reason to be a better man instead of the monster I have become."

Liz took hold of his hand and replied, "No. You are not a monster."

Red bitterly laughed, "Yes. I am. You said so yourself many times. I can kill without any regret..I have tortured people because they crossed me and at times enjoyed it. You, Lizzie......You are the only thing...that I have ever truly regretted. I regret not being there for you while you were growing up, pushing you away so often because of my own fear of rejection, how when I came back into your life you had to fake your own death to be free of ME."

Liz replied, "I faked my death to save you from yourself. Not to escape YOU. Deal with that. I don't regret meeting you. I know at times....I wished you hadn't entered my life...but if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have Agnes or the one man in my life that is my best friend and I trust to be there for Agnes even if I can't be. Yes our whole relationship has been rocky as hell but I'm grateful to have you in our lives, Raymond.....Please Talk to me."

Red sigh, "Before I came back into your life...I was comfortable with what I had turned into over the years...A bitter, angry, ruthless killer....Now I hate what I've become." He growled the last part in frustration. He swallow hard and croaked, "I don't deserve you or Masha but I'm too selfish to tell you to leave....That you're better off without me in your life. I represent nothing but death and destruction, Lizzie."

Liz firmly said, "Look at me. I may not like the man you were...and to some degree probably still are...but there is so much more to you than that. You are a good friend, wonderful father, fierce protector, and the one I chose to spend my life and raise our daughter with. You protected me my whole life even when I didn't know who you were. You saved me when I was 4 even thought you paid dearly for it your whole life. Even with your flaws....You are still capable of love and kindness. You have morals and can forgive. A true monster isn't capable of these things."

Red sighed, "Lizzie...There is more to it than just the selfless act of saving your life."

Liz put a finger to his lips and replied, "When you are ready you can tell me. I want to know what you are hiding from me but I learned pushing you only makes things worse. I just want you to promise one thing. That you will tell me everything before you die."

Red whispered, "I promise you will know everything before I die if I can. You may not like it though. Just please don't take Masha away from me or destroy me in her eyes." If he died before telling her he would write another letter to have Dembe give to her upon his death. She deserves the truth even if it alienates her from him or causes her to curse his memory.

Liz replied, "I think you probably are right but I still want to know the truth. As for Agnes...No. I will not ruin her hero like image of you. She deserves to remember you were a good father. No matter what I'm not going to take her away because it would hurt her more than anything in the world."

Red whispered, "Thank you." 

Liz watched Agnes run over and launch herself at Red and gasped, "Agnes! You are dirty. You shouldn't be jumping on Red like that. You will ruin his clothes."

Red replied, "It's all right. I have more suits, besides I need to buy new ones anyway. Seems I've gotten....too round in the middle to properly fit in them anymore. When I dress in the whole 3 piece suit...The buttons on my vests are pulling and my pants are a bit too tight. Sorry, Lizzie. I have never really been thin but...Seems age has caught up with me since I became a cripple."

Liz placed a hand on his soft curved belly and replied, "Oh I don't know...I like you better this way. You'd make a lovely pillow and I find I prefer men with a little extra padding after all." She leaned up and gently kissed him on the lips before standing up. She asked, "Who's going to give Agnes a bath before dinner?"

Red relit his cigar that had went out some time ago. He took a couple of puffs on it to get it started again and replied, "I can do it. Dembe got a stool I can use. Just let me finish my cigar." He just couldn't believe she just kissed him even though it was chaste....It was still a new thing that hadn't done before.

Liz replied, "All right. If you need my help just let me know." She got a noncommittal noise from him and went inside to start dinner. She heard him and Agnes coming in about the time she got the roast in the over. She was glad Red had managed to teach her a few simple meals without setting the house on fire. Usually he would do the cooking because he was a good cook but she could tell tonight he was in a very melancholy mood. She figured it was better to let him take care of perky Agnes than to have him brooding while he cooked. Over the last 2 years she had gotten better at reading his moods even if she wasn't always sure what triggered them. She also noticed the only chance of him coming out of it was spending time with Agnes. She sometimes had no effect on him but Agnes....Her unconditional love and constant cheerfulness was contagious even to Red. Before she knew it she heard them both laughing down the hall. 

Red had gotten the bath ready and helped Agnes in after getting her pajamas. After he helped her get washed he sat and watched her play with her bath toys. She would slash him and he lightly splashed he back. Needless to say he was pretty soaked by the end but he felt better. He helped her out and dried her off before getting her in her pajamas. 

Agnes asked, "You ok, daddy?"

Red smiled and replied, "Yes, Masha. I'm fine. I have you and Lizzie. That's all that truly matters to me." It was true. The most important thing to him was his family as damning and vulnerable as it is for him. He took her to play in her room while he got changed out of his now wet and dirty suit. He took a quick shower, pulled on a pair of green silk pajamas and threw his black silk robe on over them before making his way back out to the kitchen. He stopped to collect Agnes on the way to the kitchen. He could tell his pills were do because his legs was hurting like hell. He thanked Dembe when the younger man handed him the pills and a cup of coffee. After dinner he sat with Agnes for a couple hours while she watched cartoons.

When it was time for bed Agnes gently pulled Red with her. She asked, "Can you tell me a story, daddy?" She let him tuck her in and sit on the side of her bed. She grabbed his hand and heard him sigh.

Red knew he could never say no to his little girl. He said, "There were once two boys that grew up together. They were the best of friends and used to cause all kinds of trouble together. They were named Sam and Ray. Sam started out as a small time con artist but later became a farmer. Ray went into the navy and was on a fast track to the top but he made a big mistake. He had fallen in with the wrong crowd and fallen in love with an asset. He couldn't save her no matter how hard he tried. When he failed the Navy turned on him. The only thing he could do was save her little girl so he took her to Sam so she would be safe from anyone that would come after her. He got her a new identity and disappeared. He became a cruel and bitter criminal. He would get pictures and letters from Sam about the child he left behind. He took some solace in that she seemed to be a happy child and safe from those that took her mother's life. He spent his life moving up in the criminal world so that when the time came he could destroy each and every one of them one by one. When he finally saw the child again she had grown into a beautiful young woman. Again he made the mistake of falling in love. She was so very special to him and all he wanted was to have a place in her life even if it was just to protect her but he soon found out he couldn't protect her from the whole world. They took many criminals down together before disaster struck. She was a wanted fugitive. He had two choices....break ties with her and cut his losses or go with her. He knew he would follow her to the ends of the earth like a faithful puppy. When she was free again she was carrying his child. Then.....she died and shattered his heart into a million pieces. He was completely lost without her light. She meant.....everything to him.." By this point he had started crying and stammered, "I'm sorry, Masha. I need to stop."

Agnes went to her knees and pulled him close for a hug. She asked, "You are Ray aren't you? And mommy is the child? Who's Sam?"

Red rasped, "Yes. Sam was the man who raised your mom..Essentially your grandfather."

Agnes asked, "What was my grandma's name?"

Red croaked, "Katerina.....She was very beautiful just like her daughter."

Agnes asked, "What happened to them, daddy?"

Red cleared his throat and replied, "Sam got sick....Katerina....They are both gone now."

Agnes asked, "Do you have any pictures of them?"

Red nodded and replied, "A few."

Agnes asked, "Can I see them someday?"

Red replied, "Someday. Your mom should have ones of Sam. I have a couple of your grandmother. Now you should probably get to sleep. You have school in the morning."

Agnes replied, "Ok. I love you, daddy."

Red tucked her back in and replied, "I know. Good night, my little Masha."

Agnes replied, "Night." She closed her eyes and felt him kiss her temple before leaving the room.

Red walked out into the hall to find Liz standing next to the door. He breathed, "Lizzie..."

Liz had listened to his story and wondered why he would tell a child about his past. She asked, "Why tell her?"

Red sighed, "I didn't plan it...I just started to tell a story and suddenly felt like telling her the truth. She deserves to know what I am. I may wind up being murdered in front of her someday. As much as I didn't want her to know the truth...I knew it would be better coming from me than someone else. Besides she's only 6 and won't remember half of what I told her or realize what I meant for quite some time. I didn't go into gory details just the digest version. It's nothing you don't know yourself, Lizzie."  
Liz replied, "I didn't know you were in love with my mother."

Red sighed, "Well...I guess you do now." He was stopped from walking away by the strong grip on his arm.

Liz asked, "I need you to answer this question honestly.....Are you projecting your love for my mother on me?"

Red rasped, "No, Lizzie. I am not. My love for you is all consuming. Your mother....What I felt for her was nowhere near as volatile and soul wrenching as what I feel for you. Love doesn't even scratch the surface of what I feel now with you."

Liz took his hand and kissed his cheek. She said, "Ok. I needed to hear it."

Red replied, "I know. But I swear to you that how I feel has nothing to do with how I felt for your mother." He let her lead him to their bedroom and propped his cane up against the wall before limping the short distance between the bed and wall. He got comfortable and held out his hand to Lizzie. He was surprised when instead of taking his hand she rolled over and put her head on his shoulder. His eyebrows went up in surprise because she was cuddling with him. He hesitantly wrapped his arm around her shoulder before entwining the fingers together where her hand rested on the curve of his belly. He kissed the top of her head where it rested on his shoulder.

Liz made a decision to make the next move and cuddle because she knew he wouldn't after he had upset her. She said, "Good Night, Raymond. I love you." She felt him kiss her head in response. She knew after the emotional night he just had that he had dealt with enough feelings for the day. She was actually surprised that he tended to talk about his feelings as much as he does now but she'd rather that then have to second guess them.

Red was half asleep when she finally spoke and mumbled, "Night, Lizzie." The sleeping pill was kicking in with his pain pill. He was woken in the middle of the night to Lizzie sobbing his name. He wrapped his arms around her and soothed, "It's all right, Lizzie. I'm right here."

Liz was back when he was shot in the lung when they had been arguing over the Fulcrum. Only this time he died and she woke up sobbing his name. She felt a pair of strong arms go around her shoulders and it took her a few minutes to realized it was just a bad dream. She sobbed on his silk pajamas and took the comfort he was giving her. She stammered, "God. It was awful. I was back when we were fighting over the Fulcrum and you got shot...You died and left me..you left me!"

Red ran a hand over her hair and replied, "Shhh. It's all right. I didn't die. I'm fine. I'm right here, Lizzie." He never realized his getting shot back then had this effect on her. 

Liz looked up at him and stammered, "I'm sorry. It was just so vivid."

Red rested his forehead against hers and replied, "I know. It's all right. It was just a bad dream. Lizzie? What are you...?" He felt her hand slip under his pajama top and find the scar left behind by the bullet that pierced his right lung almost 10 years before. He felt her running her fingers over the puckered flesh and she instantly relaxed. He realized she needed reassurance and confirmation that he was all right. He kissed her temple before pulling back to unbutton his top. 

Liz asked, "Raymond? What?" She watched him put on the nightstand lamp and saw he had unbuttoned his shirt. She let him take her hand and place it over the scar she had just been touching before.

Red said, "See? I survived, Lizzie. Just a dream." He let her run her hand over the scar and was suddenly enveloped in a tight hug. Her hands went around his back under his top and her head rested on his chest. He hesitantly wrapped his arms around her in response. 

Liz whispered, "Thank god." After she calmed down she started to feel the ridges and pucker of scar tissue on his back. She had never seen his scaring before nor really felt it. She knew it was there because he had saved her from the fire and she remembers him screaming in pain as his back lit on fire. She asked, "How bad is the scarring on your back?"

Red sighed, "It's bad, Lizzie."

Liz asked, "May I see it?"

Red replied, "It's...very ugly. My whole back is covered with the scarring. You may be disgusted by it...."

Liz gently pushed his shirt off his arms and asked, "Please? I need to see it." He didn't fight her as she took his top off and coax him to turn around so his back was to her. She gasped when she saw his whole back was covered with ridged and puckered scars from being burnt alive. She reached out and ran her fingers over the scar tissue. She asked, "How...deep is the damage?"

Red rasped, "I can only feel numbness like a pins and needles feeling.. I have a cream for it but it's impossible for me to put it on myself. It's supposed to help make it looser and help with the numbness. When it really starts to bother me...I'd ask Dembe to help me."

Liz asked, "Where is the cream?" When he pointed to his nightstand drawer she pulled it out and proceeded to rub it generously into his back. She started to cry because she knew his back was like this because he saved her life. She looked at her own scar and a flash of memory came of him carrying her and she looked at his one shoulder and there was a spot that wasn't as burnt as the rest of him the size of a child's hand. He said, "Oh, Raymond. I'm so sorry."

Red replied, "What happened to me is not your fault, Lizzie. It was my own folly. I'm just grateful I got you out of there."

Liz asked, "The script says you are supposed put this on every night after a shower or shortly before bed. Well.. I'll make sure of that."

Red replied, "You don't have to, Lizzie. I'm sure seeing it once was enough to..."

Liz asked, "Disgust me? You stupid old man. THIS is part of what makes you who you are just as the scar on my hand connects us to one another that dreadful night. I am horrified at how badly you were burnt but I am not disgusted by them. I love you..Even this. I'd never turn you away over your scars. Hell I shoved an expensive pen through your neck when we first met. That left a small scar. Hell maybe I like scars...who knows but no I'm not turned off or disgusted by them."

Red chuckled, "You do seem to have a bit of Dom in you and a fondness for punishing me at times. Your courting rituals are definitely Amazonian but....I like a dominate woman. I am a dominate man but you neutered me well. You need to understand the level of trust I have to have to let you control me. You are the only person I'll ever let dominate me, Lizzie."

Liz lightly smacked him and replied, "You and your dirty mind."

Red shrugged and replied, "Well...Can't blame me for trying. I do once and a while like the woman to take control in bed but you are the first I trusted to give the chance too. Granted that if you even want a sexual relationship let alone that type of relationship with me."

Liz sighed, "I don't know. Let's take it one step at a time." She helped him put his top back on and watched him button it up.

Red sighed, "Whatever you choose...I'll accept. Thank you for the help." He laid back down and she curled up on his shoulder. He felt her nod off quite a bi soon than he did but he eventually managed to fall sleep again.


	5. Misunderstandings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ton's of misunderstandings, a beating and false accusations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok....I rewrote this chapter at the advice of someone. I think my problem was I was writing as I was thinking. So basically what happened was I wound up with the ideas for 2 or 3 chapters in one which made it to rushed and confusing. Hopefully this one will turn out better than the last one. Also took out the rape part at the advice of a reader and just left it at a beating..also added more drama and feelings about what happened to her on both sides. Anyway hope it's better and makes more sense now. Therapy is up next.

Liz had been bored at home all day so she had gotten a job at the local police station as a profiling consultant. She figured Red wasn't too happy about it but he didn't protest her getting the job. She made a few friends at the precinct but there was one man about her age that kept hitting on her. She couldn't get him to leave her alone using the normal methods. The young man even followed her home for God sake and it was she could do to keep Red from killing him. 

John Fontebluex looked up as a middle aged man with a cane opened the door. He said, "Excuse me. I'm looking for Liz Milhoan. Are you her father? I'm here to ask her out." The man was sizing him up before stepping aside to let him in.

Red was wondering what this young man want but the comment about him being Lizzie's father led him to believe the young man didn't know about his relationship with her. He yelled, "Lizzie! You have a visitor."

Liz came in from the kitchen and groaned, "What the hell are you doing here, John?"

Red coolly said, "I'll be on the beach with Masha if you want me, Lizzie."

Liz knew by his tone of voice that he thought she was seeing this guy. She said, "Raymond! John...I told you I am all ready spoken for and yet you won't leave me alone! Do us both a favor and don't ever come here again."

John said, "I have never seen you with a man or woman, Liz. Forgive me if I don't believe you. The only man I have seen you with is your father..."

Liz yelled, "You idiot! Raymond is not my father. He's my lover!"

John scoffed, "That old cripple? Give me a chance and I'll show you I am ten times better in bed."

Liz replied, "No. I love him and I am not leaving him for anything." She realized he was going to beat her and started trying to fight back and yell for help.

John grabbed her and shoved her against wall and smacked her around. He sneered, "You'd fuck an old cripple? Oh I get it he's your sugar daddy. He looks pretty rich. Are you a whore? I want my slice then." He smacked her and tore her clothes of and pinned her. He had just started unbuckling his pants when he was pulled off of her and hit hard in the side with a stick which he later figured out was the old man's cane.

Red came back in with Agnes and heard a commotion. He had the child stay where she was and found that bastard trying to take what was his away. He pulled him off of Lizzie and proceeded to beat the little bastard with his cane. He seethed, "How DARE you touch what is mine!"

John sneered, "You don't like to share your whore huh? Well that's what they are for old man!"

Red beat him with his cane again and Seethed, "Lizzie is NOT a whore. You will NOT touch her again unless you want me to kill you. I WILL kill you if you EVER touch her again! Get out of my house!" He wound up hitting the guy a couple more times. He yelled, "Dembe! Get rid of this garbage." When he got a nod from the younger man he leaned over and touched her.

Liz cowered in the corner while she watched Red hit the man quite a few times. It wasn't very often she saw this side of the older man but it was usually protecting her when she saw it the most. She flinched from his touch and saw the hurt on his face. Before she could say something he had turned and limped away. 

Red could tell she didn't want him around either so when Dembe came back in he said, "Could you make sure Lizzie's all right? Then keep an eye on Masha for me?"

Dembe replied, "Of Course but where are you going?"

Red place a fedora on his head and snapped, "Don't worry about me just take care of my....family." He left the cottage slamming the door and started limping down the beach until he found a secluded cave where he was finally alone and able to mourn. He wanted to be there for Liz but she obviously was disgusted by his touch because of the monster he was to protect her. She was just beaten by a man who she knew and she didn't want him near her. He guessed he could understand being who he was but it hurt just the same. He sat on a high rock and put his cane next to him. He pulled out his cigarettes and lighter. He proceeded to smoke half a pack of cigarettes while he sat there hating himself again. He brooded on everything from her not wanting his touch, her not telling people about them, and not seeming to want to go out in public with him. He could only believe she was ashamed of him and being seen with a middle aged cripple. Well he was going to tell if she wanted out then she could have it. He eventually started moving again. He wound up not coming home until early morning when the sun came up. He went to his study where he eventually nodded off in his chair after drinking himself unconscious.

Liz finally snapped out of it enough to take the robe Dembe handed her and go take a shower. She wondered if she should go to the police and report it. The only problem is that Red beat the guy as well so it's a matter of he said, she said. She waited for hours for Red to come home and started to worry when he didn't. She woke up the next morning and started searching the house for him. She eventually found him passed out in his chair in the study. She leaned over him and knew instantly he was drunk. She just left him there to sleep it off. She would deal with his issues when he was sober. 

Some hours later Red woke up to getting kneed in the groin and tiny hands shaking the shit out of him while yelling 'daddy' repeatedly. He groaned at the pounding in his head and rasped, "Please, Masha. Not so loud."

Agnes lowered her voice but said, "Why didn't you come home last night? You promised me another story."

Red rasped, "Sorry. A lot happened last night...Why are you in my study?"

Agnes replied, "I saw you from the door. You scared me when you didn't answer me. I was afraid you were.... I'm sorry.." She knew she wasn't supposed to be in his study but she was terrified he had died.

Red rasped, "I'm not dead...Just hung-over."

Agnes asked, "You mad?"

Red sighed, "No. I'm not mad at you. Could you ask Dembe to come in here please?" He winced in pain when she hollered for his friend. He groaned, "Ahhh. Not so loud."

Dembe had heard from Liz that Red was probably going to be hung over when he woke up so he brought the older man's pain pills and something to settle his stomach first. He handed them to Red with a glass of water.

Red rasped, "Thank you, Dembe. How is Lizzie?"

Dembe sighed, "Quite angry with you. She is also very distraught from her ordeal. She has...been snapping at everyone this morning."

Red coughed and replied, "When is she not angry with me? I will deal with her wrath soon as the damn drummer in my head stop playing. As for her being distraught...I don't know what to do for her...Last night she didn't want me to even touch her." 

Dembe replied, "She might be more accepting this morning. She's more aware of what's going on around her."

Red replied, "Thank you." He watched his friend nod and leave. After about an hour his head and leg were dull throbs and he figured he'd better go find Lizzie before she came looking for him. He asked Dembe to take Agnes out to play while he talked to Lizzie. 

Agnes cried, "Can't I stay with you, daddy? Please?"

Red replied, "No, Masha. I need to talk to your mom alone. We have something to discuss in private."

Agnes begged, "Promise you won't leave again?"

Red replied, "I promise I won't leave without saying goodbye. Now go with Dembe." He watched Agnes tearfully leave before going in search of Lizzie. He found her laying in his bed on his side of the bed crying. He sat next to her but far enough away so she didn't have to be touched by him. He said, "Lizzie....Tell me to leave."

Liz looked at him and something inside her just snapped. She yelled, "You are not getting out of it that easy. I needed you last night. I had just been beaten! I needed my friend!" She saw the twitch in his eye and jaw at work.

Red hissed, "You were repulsed by my touch, Lizzie! Don't even try to deny it. Why would I stay when I wasn't wanted? I figured you needed to be away from me."

Liz yelled, "I was in shock! I didn't realize it was you at first. By time I did you were gone. I was unable to come after you. I was too much in shock."

Red bitterly replied, "I know I terrified you. You seem to forget for all my gentlemanly characteristics that underneath is a monster. A harbinger of pain and death once provoked. I AM repulsive, Lizzie. You deserve better than a damaged old cripple like me."

Liz groaned, "Dammit, Raymond. What brought this on?"

Red whispered, "If you want out you have to tell me to go. I am incapable of leaving you on my own."

Liz groaned, "God! Sometimes you are such an idiot. I don't want out of this relationship with you...messed up as it is! Talk to me. You have been brooding again."

Red had to many issues flying inside his head so he just played with the crumpled blanket and didn't answer. After 10 minutes he just stood and walked to the door. 

Liz said, "DON'T you EVER do that again!" She watched him nod in acceptance of her statement before he walked out leaving her to cry into her pillow. She couldn't deal with whatever his issues were at the moment. She needed to deal with her own first. 

Red went to be alone and brood because he knew how to deal with Liz when she was angry, depressed, betrayed, after a case but beaten in her own home because he stupidly assumed she wanted out? He was more angry at himself for leaving her when he did. That's partly why he beat the young man up. The other reason being that no one would hurt his Lizzie as long as he was alive. Yet....He constantly hurts her one way or another and she's still by his side. He should have been one step ahead and noticed something was off. He was getting old and sloppy in his ability to read people. No this was entirely his fault and he deserved her anger.

Liz cried herself to sleep again to wake up from a nightmare. She realized it was dark out and saw Red's silhouette against the light in the hall. She realized he had been watching her. What was curious was that this was his room and he hadn't come in as if he was afraid too. She almost called to him but he walked back toward the living room before she found her voice. She let it go because she was tired. After that she just nodded off again.

Red had been walking past his bedroom door when he heard Lizzie in what seemed to be the throes of a nightmare. Once he was sure she was awake he went back to the living room where he had brought a pillow and blanket to sleep on the sofa. He had not gone in his room since his argument with her earlier that day. He exiled himself from his own room to give her space. She didn't want him to leave but didn't seem to desire him near her so he decided to crash on the sofa until she was ready to allow him back in his room at night. He would have to go in during the day to change but he would just take his clothes and go.

Liz woke in the morning and realized Red didn't sleep in their bed. She started to wonder where he had slept since they had turned the room she used to occupy into a playroom for Agnes. She showered and changed before going out to find him at the kitchen table smoking a cigarette and having a cup of coffee. She noticed something else very quickly....He wasn't talking to her. He got her breakfast and coffee before sitting back down to finish his coffee before leaving the room. Based on the direction he went she guessed he went to his study. She caught Dembe and asked, "What's going on with Raymond?"

Dembe sighed, "Elizabeth.... Raymond is giving you the space you need to heal."

Liz asked, "By not talking to me?"

Dembe replied, "Yes. Every other time you needed space he would disappear but you ordered him to remain here so he is doing the best he can to give you space."

Liz sighed, "Where is he sleeping?"

Dembe replied, "On the living room sofa."

Liz sighed, "That can't be comfortable with his bad leg. He should sleep in his own bed. If he insists on being apart then I'll sleep on the sofa."

Dembe replied, "No you will not. Raymond has given you his bed. It is yours alone until you feel comfortable enough to allow him in it again. He was the one that had you move into his room. He will never throw you out of it. He will sleep on the sofa. There is no use arguing with him. I even offered him my own bed but he refused it."

Liz asked, "What possible reason could he have for it?"

Dembe sighed, "Self punishment. You understand he blames himself for everything that goes wrong?"

Liz said, "He's my sin-eater."

Dembe replied, "Yes. He shoulders all blame involving you. Even if it is not his cross to bear. Therefore he will stay and wait as you asked but punish himself in the process."

Liz sighed, "Why is he punishing himself?"

Dembe sighed, "Because he loves you and failed you again."

Liz said, "How did he fail me?"

Dembe replied, "That is for you to ask him when you are ready. I would suggest you wait before asking. He is still angry at himself."

Liz groaned, "All right. Thank you, Dembe." She saw him nod as he left the room. She padded quietly to Red's study and saw him sitting in his chair smoking a cigarette and holding a tumbler of whiskey. She shook her head and walked away. She decided instead to go to the police station and report what happened to her. She had every black and blue, bump and bruise photographed and filed a harassment and physical abuse report against John. Well....That didn't go well at all.

John said, "I didn't beat her up. That old man she's living with caught us together in bed and beat us both. The only reason she's blaming me is because she's afraid of the bastard. He treats her like he owns her. She wanted out and he wasn't willing to let his trophy go. He even threatened to kill me if I went near her again."

Red was at home in the backyard with Agnes when the cops showed up and arrested him. He asked, "What is this about?"

The officer replied, "You are under arrest for assault and battery of Elizabeth Milhoan and John Fontebluex." 

Red yelled, "Dembe! Take care of Masha!" After he saw Dembe grab his daughter he felt some relief. He then let them lead him to the car and drive him to the station. He was finger printed and his photo was taken. He was sitting in an interrogation room waiting for them to figure out who he was when Lizzie came in. 

Liz saw the look of resignation on his face. She assumed he thought she had done this in anger. She said, "I didn't do it, Raymond. I filed charges against John and he twisted it to blame you. I'm sorry. I should have let him get away with it. He didn't do anything! John is lying! Please!" She was drug out of the room and was crying.

Red said, "I know. It's all right, Lizzie." It was true he knew what happened. As angry as Lizzie has ever been at him she never betrayed him. He looked up when a detective entered.

The detective said, "Well Raymond Reddington. We have a real celebrity here. I see you were pardoned by the Americans for your crimes. What are you doing in the Caribbean?"

Red snarked, "I liked the weather and thought it would be a nice place to retire."

The detective replied, "I was told you are a cocky son of a bitch. Why did you beat up Elizabeth Milhoan and John Fontebluex?"

Red replied, "The only one I beat was the young man that was beating my beloved Lizzie. I will not allow someone to hurt someone I care about. Especially not my family."

The detective asked, "Isn't your family long gone?"

Red laughed, "Not that family. My current family. Lizzie and our daughter. And if I have to go to prison to protect them then so be it." He was led out into the main squad room some time later and suddenly had Agnes wrapped around his legs. 

Agnes ran over and wrapped her arms tightly around Red's legs crying, "Daddy! Daddy! Don't leave...Please...."

An officer told the detective, "I'm sorry. She snuck through." The detective waved off the officer and decided it was more interesting to catalogue the man's weaknesses.

Red sat in the chair the shoved him towards and wrapped his free arm around Agnes after he was cuffed to the chair. He said, "Look at me, Masha. I can't control this. I don't know what's going to happen but don't you EVER forgot you are my pride and Joy. I love you and always will. Tell Lizzie....I know this isn't her fault and I still think she's my north star. She'll know what I mean." He was sitting in jail for a week before his hearing where the charges were dropped and he was released.

Liz got John to drop the charges against Red by dropping her own in the courtroom. It wasn't what she needed for closer but it was the only way to get the older man home. Agnes was constantly sobbing for her daddy and she wasn't faring much better than her daughter. As weird as it may be he was the glue in their family ever since they moved in with him. When the cuffs were taken off of him and he was released in the courtroom she ran over and wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug. She handed him his cane that she had brought with her after it was taken away from him. 

Red kissed Liz on the cheek and said, "I'm sorry, Lizzie. You deserved justice."

Liz kissed him on the cheek and replied, "None of it was worth loosing you, Raymond. Let's go home." She noticed Agnes was attached to Red's hip but it wasn't surprising after the week of hell they just had.

Red asked, "Dembe? Do you mind stopping here? I'm dying for a cigarette." After they stopped Dembe went in a bought a carton of cigarettes for him while he sat with Lizzie and Agnes in the back seat. It was pretty awkward but he said, "I'm sorry."

Liz replied, "God no. I'm the one who's sorry. I was a fool to think you wouldn't get drug into it."

Red sighed, "I don't blame you. I blame myself for you being beaten in the first place. I should never have left the house."

Liz sighed, "You couldn't have known. I'm a profiler and I didn't know."

Red sighed, "I still should have been there to protect you. Not licking my wounded ego. For that I am truly sorry." He thanked Dembe when he was handed the cigarettes and felt Agnes shift closer to him in her sleep. When he got home he put Agnes to bed before he went to his study, lit a cigarette and had a tumbler of scotch.

Liz found him in his study and said, "Come to bed, Raymond."

Red looked up at her and asked, "Are you sure?"

Liz replied, "Yes. The one thing I know for sure is I miss feeling safe in your arms at night." She took his empty tumbler and placed it on the table next to his chair before pulling him to his feet. She held his hand as she slowly led him to their room. She gave him time to get changed before putting the cream on his back and going to change herself. 

Red rolled to his side facing her and reached to touch her face and stopped. He was relieved when she took his hand and placed it against her cheek. He ran his fingers down her cheek a few times. He whispered, "I...missed you, Lizzie."

Liz turned her head to kiss his palm and replied, "I missed you too." 

Red kissed her forehead before settling down just watching her and holding her hand against his chest until he finally gave into sleep.


	6. Therapy and healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok this is the therapy part. Hopefully it doesn't seem to bad :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally rewrote part five so you might want to reread that one.

Red was started awake by a shriek. He shook the fog from his brain and finally remembered he was home and Lizzie was beside him. He place a hand on her arm and shook her gently saying, "Lizzie...Wake up. It's just a dream." He repeated this a few more times and she finally woke up.

Lizzie was in the midst of a nightmare where the Cabal had gotten and beaten Red to a pulp and he died in her arms. She cried, "No...God no. Please...Please don't give up...Stay with me." She woke with a god awful sob and a hand on her arm. She jerked away from it and buried her face in her hands.

Red was hurt when she jerked away but he knew if it was dream about her getting beaten it was an understandable automatic response. He calmly said, "Lizzie? It was just a dream. You're safe."

Lizzie looked next to her and stammered, "Raymond?"

Red replied, "I'm right here, Lizzie." Before he could even register a reaction he had Lizzie wrapped around him tightly sobbing and mumbling 'thank god' over and over. He ran a hand up and down her hair and soothed, "Shhhh. I'm not going to hurt you. You're safe with me, Lizzie."

Liz finally started to calm down and was embarrassed that again she woke him up. She was so terrified of losing him that somehow her feelings had bubbled to the surface. Between the attack, him disappeared that night, and then him being stuck in jail a week....It was just too much.

Red laid back down and gently pulled her with him so her head was resting on his chest. He sighed, "I could kill that son of a bitch. He hurt something precious to me and when that happens the person usually pays for the folly. The only reason I haven't is....because I don't want to hurt you anymore. You need me more than I need revenge right now."

Liz whispered, "Please....Don't go after him."

Red kissed the top of her head and replied, "Being with me comes with a price. You knew that, Lizzie. That price is that I protect you until I die and punish anyone that hurts you."

Liz whispered, "What did revenge get you last time? A bad leg and a self imposed exile."

Red ground out, "You knew what kind of a monster I was since we met. My only saving grace is you. I will do anything I have to when it comes to you regardless of whether you approve or not. That is the price of belonging to Raymond Reddington."

Liz asked, "Am I really just a possession to you?"

Red sighed, "No. You are everything to me, Lizzie. Regardless you are mine until you choose otherwise and I protect what is mine. My family comes before even myself."

Liz sighed, "Then I want you to just let it be. I want you to be here when I wake up in terror to comfort and hold me. Protect me from my fears. Be the man that loves me and cherishes me. Not the revengeful monster lurking underneath. That is what I want. Can you do that?"

Red was on the verge of crying and rasped, "Yeah." He would do anything for her. She lived in his home but if she wanted him to leave he would. He would let her have the cottage and find a new place to live like he had done all his life. He would even put a loaded gun to his head and play Russian Roulette if she told him too. She just had that much hold over him. He wouldn't take revenge but if that bastard ever touched her again he would shot him on the spot. 

Liz hated using the love card but knew he would do as she asked because he loved her. She felt his fingers carding through her hair until she fell asleep safe in his arms.

A month later Red was exhausted from being woken up every night with Lizzie screaming from nightmares. He knew it wasn't her fault but she refused to talk to him about them. He finally told her, "Lizzie, You need to talk to someone about what happened. You can't go on like this and frankly neither can I. Neither one of us is getting any sleep at night because you are....terrified of getting beaten again. You won't talk to me about them....Please talk to someone. You have no idea how much it....pains me to see you like this. It....breaks my heart, Lizzie."

Liz sighed, "All right. I'll try to talk to someone." When she went to the precinct she asked for a female therapist that specializes in abuse cases and is very discreet. Her first appointment was rather awkward at the beginning.

Dr. Samantha Sands looked at the lady that walked in the door and knew Liz had been traumatized but she was unsure who had hurt her. She introduced herself and asked, "Where would you be comfortable starting?"

Liz sighed, "I was beaten by a man I thought I could trust. I've waking up screaming in the middle of the night for over a month. Raymond has tried to help but frankly he is exhausted so he suggested I find someone to talk too."

Dr. Sands asked, "Raymond? Is he the one that beat you?"

Liz replied, "God No. He'd never.....Has never....He's my boyfriend and best friend. Our relationship is....complicated but not abusive. He's not perfect but he has always been there for me for the last ten years except for 4 years but that was not his fault. We have been living together for 2 years."

Dr. Sands said, "Tell me about what happened."

Liz replied, "I was home and John...one of my coworkers came to my house. Raymond....answered the door, completely misunderstood the situation as he tends to do and took Agnes....That's our daughter for a walk along the beach."

Dr. Sands said, "Raymond misunderstood?"

Liz sighed, "He's very damaged. Doesn't think he deserves us so he often misreads things. He's a very jealous man but doesn't think I'll stay. His most used phrase is 'Ask me to go, Lizzie' like he expects me to tell him to leave."

Dr. Sands asked, "So are you and him....intimate?"

Liz replied, "If you mean if we are having sex...no. We've only had sex once in 10 years. We have a beautiful baby girl that came out of it. We have moved up to sharing a bed now. For the first 2 years we had separate rooms."

Dr. Sands asked, "Why did you two not share a bed for two years but yet live in the same house?"

Liz replied, " It was awkward at first....He didn't even know I was alive. I just disappeared without a trace. I....hurt him very badly and he hasn't been the same since. He was waiting for me to make the next move. It took Agnes giving me a push to get me to start sharing his bed. Agnes said all her friends parents sleep together and if they don't it means they are breaking up or fighting."

Dr. Sands asked, "So you sleep in the same bed with this man but he hasn't asked or made a move to have sex with you? Isn't that a bit odd to you?"

Liz laughed, "You'd have to know him. Like I said he doesn't think he deserves us. It took a while but I figured out he won't make the first move when it comes to me. He's a charmer and a very domineering man but when it comes to me...He wants everything in our relationship to be my decision and he's perfectly fine with whatever I choose."

Dr. Sands asked, "What about your daughter?"

Liz smile and replied, "Agnes adores him. Her daddy is the center of her universe. He's a wonderful father to her. Spoils her rotten but she listens to him. Whatever daddy says goes. She's very attached to him. The first 4 years of her life she didn't know him....He didn't even know she was his child. We had a bit of a fall out right before she was born. He thought she was my ex-husband's and I didn't correct him."

Dr. Sands asked, "How would he think it was your ex's if you were together?"

Liz sighed, "We weren't together. The night Agnes was conceived we....were very drunk. It wasn't planned. We both thought the other regretted what happened so a rift formed. We've put each other through hell but in the end we always come back to each other. Like I said our relationship is....complicated. What it boils down to is that we had fallen in love long before the night Agnes was conceived. As for my Ex....Well I slept with him a few times before and after Raymond so he just assumed based on the odds of 1 vs many."

Dr. Sands said, "Ok so Raymond took Agnes for a walk."

Liz replied, "Yes. They were gone about half an hour and John attacked me and then beat me on my living room floor. He had decided to try and rape me but didn't get the chance when Raymond....found us. I was terrified and Raymond pulled him off of me and....threw him out. Raymond tried to comfort me and I....flinched at his touch. It hurt him and he left and didn't come home until the next morning. We had a fight......I almost lost him."

Dr. Sands asked, "You sorted it out?"

Liz sighed, "Not right away. He slept on the couch and avoided talking to me. Then I filed charges against John...and he filed charges against Raymond trying to say he was the one who beat me. I had to drop the charges to get Raymond home. We're doing all right though as a couple."

Dr. Sands asked, "What was this john like?"

Liz shivered and replied, "Full of himself with a very dirty mind but I thought he was a harmless. He reminded me a little of Raymond when we first met. The differences were that Raymond never would force me to have sex or beat me...John called me a whore for being involved with Raymond....Thought I was just looking for a sugar daddy."

Dr. Sands asked, "I assume Raymond has money but what else would make him think that?"

Liz sighed, " Someone once described our relationship as a combination May/September and Daddy/Daughter."

Dr. Sands replied, "So...Raymond is older than you?"

Liz replied, "Yes. I'm not sure of his exact age but I know he's old enough to where he could have been my father. Don't ask me how I know that because it's very personal and not my place to explain. I don't even remember all the details."

Dr. Sands said, "So it is safe to say he is probably twice your age."

Liz replied, "Possibly."

Dr. Sands asked, "Why the two different descriptions?"

Liz sighed, "Raymond has always been....my best friend and protector. Even when I fought him on it. Our relationship started out with him trying to be a father figured to me after my father died to try and fill the void in my heart....I was adopted when I was 4 and went so far as to ask Raymond if he was my father because he was acting like an over protective father. He was friends with the man who raised me so I thought maybe that's why he came back into my life. To take over the role he should have had in the first place. Then as we became closer I noticed his flirting and protectiveness changed. He also became jealous of my ex-husband and I could tell he was physically attracted to me. I found I was attracted to him as well. I was having umm sexual dreams about him. Then I noticed how he always would protect me but the longer we knew each other the more desperate he became in his methods. Not even caring if he sacrificed himself to do so. I knew that I had to do something to save him from himself even if it meant destroying what we had. I disappeared and he fell apart.......Without me...he's lost and doesn't want to live...I think I did more damage by disappearing than I would have by staying."

Dr. Sands asked, "Why couldn't you just ask him to stop trying to protect you?"

Liz sighed, "You don't know him like I do. Stubborn as a mule is a mild description of his determination and devotion. I tried to send him away twice and I couldn't bear how much I hurt him by doing so. So I did the only other thing I could think of to do."

Dr. Sands asked, "Ok. Why else?"

Liz sighed, "After I left, He was badly injured as a result he has a limp and walks with a cane. He can't stand or walk for very long without getting aggravated because of the pain in his hip and leg. Because of this he has become soft and round in the middle."

Dr. Sands asked, "Does it bother you that he's gained weight or is essentially crippled?"

Liz replied, "God no. I'm just glad he's still alive and part of my life. Our relationship was quite rocky in the beginning but I wouldn't trade him for anyone in the world."

Dr. Sands replied, "You love him."

Liz replied, "With all my heart."

Dr. Sands asked, "Does he love you?"

Liz replied, "Yes. He calls me his North Star. His guiding light in a world of darkness. He's only used the word love a handful of times in 2 years but he says it in other ways. Sometimes it's how he says something or certain gestures. When he gives me or Agnes a gift it means a lot to him if we like it. Our happiness is the most important thing in the world to him."

Dr. Sands asked, "Do you feel safe with him?"

Liz replied, "Yes. I have never felt safer than when I am with him."

Dr. Sands said, "I would like to meet this man if you don't mind bringing him to one of your sessions."

Liz replied, "I'll ask him but I don't know if he'll come. He's not big on....shrinks."

Dr. Sands replied, "But he suggested you go to one."

Liz replied, "He's more concerned about my well being than his dislike of shrinks. He's been a very private person his whole life. Sharing intimate details with anyone other than your family doesn't really appeal to him...But I wasn't able to talk to him about my nightmares because I didn't want him to know they were really about him."

Dr. Sands asked, "Him? I thought you felt safe with him?"

Liz sighed, "The nightmares are not about him beating me. They are about him being shot, beaten, tortured, blown up, burnt alive, and basically just dying."

Dr. Sands said, "It is my observation that you are afraid of losing him. I only say that because the other option is that you want to kill him but I can tell you love him."

Liz replied, "Both me and my daughter are."

Dr. Sands asked, "Is he ill?"

Liz sighed, "No. Not that I am aware of but like I said it's complicated for me. We have been through a lot together."

Dr. Sands asked, "When did these dreams start?"

Liz replied, "I have had a couple over the years but they started getting constant after I was beaten. I think they may have triggered from the beating."

Dr. Sands said, "Well I think we had a very good session today. I'll see you again in a week."

Liz replied, "Thank you."


	7. Revelations and Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well Red is troubled again and hating himself....Good thing is he finally starts talking to Liz about some of what's bothering him.

One morning 4 weeks later Red was again passed out drunk in his study from his own insecurities and too much whiskey. Yet again he had a little leg knee him in the groin, small hands smacking his chest and the shrieking 'daddy' of his terrified daughter. He grunted, "Please...Not so loud, Masha. Your shrieks are like a ice pick in my brain. uuunnng. ooff." He suddenly had a sobbing 6 year old wrapped around his neck kissing his face. 

Agnes kissed him all over the face and stammered, "I'm ssssorry Daddy. I was a afraid you had gone to heaven. You didn't answer me and you were too still."

Red grunted and shifted. When she wasn't putting as much pressure on his bad leg he soothed, "I'm all right. I'm sorry. Daddy was just very sad last night, Masha."

Agnes stammered, "Why were you sad?"

Red rasped, "Thinking too much again." Eventually he managed to move out to the kitchen with Agnes clutching his pant leg. Dembe handed him his pills and a glass of Alka-Seltzer. He nodded his thanks before taking it all in quick succession. He was still depressed but knew it wouldn't do any good to get drunk again at the moment. When his head didn't hurt as badly he went to change his clothes. 

This morning brought an interesting revelation for Liz. She was starting to heal from the beating and not having as many nightmares anymore even though she did still wake Red up with a few. Speaking of which...He didn't come to bed the night before. He was still wearing the clothes he wore the day before when he came in the bedroom early in the morning. She sat up and watched him changing for a few minutes before she said, "My therapist would like to meet you."

Red had been getting changed but sat next to her on the bed. He replied, "Oh? Why is that?"

Liz blushed and said, "Well I told her about you..I left out the classified parts and that you are a criminal but she thinks you are quite a devoted boyfriend."

Red quietly asked, "Am I your boyfriend, Lizzie?"

Liz noticed the change in his demeanor and took hold of his hand. She said, "Yes, Raymond. You are my boyfriend, lover, significant other, and much more. We live together for Pete sake. Don't tell me you didn't know that."

Red rasped, "Sometimes I can't tell what the hell I am to you, Lizzie."

Liz asked, "Why do you say that?"

Red picked at the crumpled blanket and looked at his lap. He finally rasped, "You chose to live with me...raise our daughter together....tell me you love me and believe me I am grateful for what you do give me...but....You never go anywhere with me....When we met you would go out with me to dinner or something....Granted I know some of it was in the line of duty...Now..I'm older, tired, and crippled...You're young, beautiful, and full of life. I can understand if having someone like me as a boyfriend is embarrassing... Maybe even shameful......"

Liz groaned, "Oh my God! You think I'm ashamed of you? Just because you have a cane and a limp? Because you are middle aged and are starting to go grey? No I'm not ashamed, embarrassed or bothered by it. I just assumed you didn't want to go places with me for whatever reason or you just didn't go out anymore unless you had too for business."

Red croaked, "No. I didn't want to presume you would go out with me. A lot has changed since you.....left. I'm old, fat, tired, crippled and going grey.. Not exactly dating material. I count my blessings everyday you are still here."

Liz grabbed the hand beside her that was playing with the quilt. She squeezed it and sighed, "God! When will you get it? I'm here because I want to be with you. All you had to do is ask me. I'd gladly go out with you."

Red whispered, "Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"

Liz smiled and replied, "Yes. Now was that so hard? What happened to your wooing techniques from when we met?"

Red shrugged and squeezed her hand again before getting up. He said, "I need to go out for a while. I'll be back in a couple of hours." If she wanted to be wooed then he was more than happy to oblige. He used to shower her with gifts all the time and it used to make him happy when she would accept them. He was hoping that now she would accept them because they were life partners at least until she left anyway. He had hope now though that she might stay because she wants to be with him and not just because of their daughter. Tonight needed to be special so he looked all over until he found the perfect gift for her. Then he went and ordered a few new suits that fit him properly. He paid in cash and they made sure he had one ready before he left town.   
Liz was wondering what Red was up to but at least he seemed to finally start believing she was staying for him as well as Agnes. She has been trying to get him to believe that she wasn't going anywhere for 2 years but he was stubborn as a mule. She asked Dembe to watch Agnes for the night and he was pleased they had worked out what was wrong. She knew it wasn't the only problem they had but it was one less in the way of moving forward.

Red dressed in his new charcoal 3 piece suit, white dress shirt, and a matching tie. He had even bought a new charcoal fedora to match and new black dress shoes. He had the present in his suit jacket pocket. He went to the living room to sit with Agnes for a time while he waited for Lizzie to get ready. He had Agnes on his knee and was smoking a cigar.

Agnes noticed Red seemed happier than he was this morning and asked, "You staying, daddy?"

Red took a drag and blew it out before looking at her. He replied, "Yes, Masha. I'm staying." Before he knew it he had a little girl wrapped around his neck and he was trying not to burn her with his cigar. He finally got her to sit back down and sighed with relief.  
Agnes kissed his cheek before sitting completely down and said, "I love you."

Red took a puff on his cigar and rumbled, "I know, Masha. You are my pride and joy. Don't ever forget that." He had never said those three words to anyone in his life as much as he has with these two but he still wasn't all that comfortable saying them so he has always tried to express them in a different way like gesture or telling Lizzie she was his North Star. He also used buying gifts as a way of showing his love. Now he was going to properly court Lizzie because after all the shit she put with since he entered her life she deserved that much at least. He had always flirted with her but tried to be a gentleman where her virtue was concerned until the night Agnes was conceived. He was almost finished with his cigar when she came into the living room. 

Liz went to find Red after she was dressed and ready to go out. She found him in the living room with a cigar and Agnes sitting in his lap. She said, "Raymond? I'm ready when you are." She watched his jaw working as he tried to say something.

Red looked up at Lizzie and was speechless. She was dressed in a beautiful ankle length dove grey chiffon dress with sequins and a v-neck in front to just show a little bit of cleavage. She wore heels to match, a headband with sequined gray roses on it to hold back her shoulder length brown hair. He stammered, "Wow....You look absolutely stunning, Lizzie." He coaxed Agnes off his lap and ungracefully stood up before limping over to Lizzie. He watched her blush and lifted her chin with his free hand. In a watery voice he said, "Thank you for coming back to me and giving me a second chance, Lizzie." He then let go of her chin and kissed her forehead.

Lizzie replied, "Thank you for letting us be a family." She saw so many emotions swirling through Red eyes all at war with one another. Hope, desire, sorrow, fear, love, and regret. She looked down as their daughter wrapped arms around her legs. She knelt down and said, "Daddy and I going out to have some alone time, hunny. I need you to be good for Dembe. OK?"

Agnes whimpered, "Daddy? You come home? With mommy?"

Red sat in his chair and grasped her arm with one hand and lifted her chin with the other one. He said, "I'm coming home with Lizzie."

Agnes stammered, "You promise, daddy?"

Red wrapped his arms around her in a hug and replied, "I promise, Masha."

Agnes whispered, "OK." She watched then leave a few minutes later and sat up waiting for them to get home. She refused to go to bed until she saw Red was home.

Red made a reservation at a quiet but elegant restaurant in town for dinner. When they got there he noted the surprise from Lizzie with him using her name but he knew it was better than using his own or an alias. He got her seated and then sat across from her before ordering their drinks. He was nervous as hell which was a first. His hand was tapping nervously on the table until he felt Lizzie take hold of his hand and he hesitantly smiled.

Liz eventually figured out that Red was actually nervous and took hold of his hand. She said, "You don't have to be nervous. We've lived together for 2 years. Been friends years before that."

Red swallowed and replied, "I know...I just want everything to be perfect. I....We never properly courted."

Lizzie smiled and realized he was nervous because he was actually trying to court her properly with dating, gifts, and everything else. She replied, "Oh, Raymond. You do realized we've done it completely backwards? I mean we always fought like an old married couple, then had sex, had a kid, moved in together and now are dating. I mean the only thing we skipped is marriage."

Red chuckled, "Well....I always did like to do things differently. I do admit we've had a.....turbulent relationship...A bit like a tornado or hurricane."

Liz laughed, "Yes. You are definitely unusual but I think that's part of your charm. I've come to accept that you are just a dirty old man with a heart of gold."

Red laughed, "Well...I glad you see something good in me......I find it very hard to myself...You are the good in me, Lizzie. You and Masha. The two of you bring out whatever tiny bit of good there might be in my blackened soul."

Liz squeezed his hand and replied, "You are more than what you have been forced to become."

Red knew he had to change the subject or he'd wind up ruining their night. He replied, "Well. This is supposed to a happy occasion. I bought you a gift." He handed her the jewelry box and waited while she opened it.

Liz opened the box to find a beautiful 5K blue sapphire heart surround by diamonds in rose gold. She gasped, "My God, Raymond. It's beautiful."

Red hesitantly asked, "Do you like it?"

Liz replied, "I love it. This must have cost a lot of money."

Red shrugged and replied, "Money is no object for my Lizzie."

Liz looked at him and realized he was afraid she would reject the gift but she said, "Will you help me put it on?"

Red smiled, stood, and managed to limp to her chair without falling. He clasped the necklace around her neck and kissed the back of her head before returning to his seat. He looked at her and whispered, "A beautiful necklace for an equally beautiful woman. It suits you."

Liz replied, "Thank you. I...don't know what else to say except why?"

Red looked at his glass of scotch and rasped, "I used to try and give you things all the time. I miss doing that and....It's our anniversary."

Liz asked, "Anniversary?"

Red replied, "Um...yes. It's 10 years today since the day you....jammed a ballpoint pen through my carotid. That was the day I truly started falling for you, Lizzie."

Liz laughed, "Leave it to you to pick that day as our anniversary."

Red sighed, "Well...it's the most meaningful event in our unconventional courtship. For me anyway."

Liz replied, "All right. Happy 10th anniversary, Raymond." The rest of the night was spent talking about some of the crazy things they did. When they finally got home Dembe met them at the door.

Dembe said, "Agnes will not go to sleep. She is waiting for you to get home."

Liz replied, "I'll go talk to her."

Dembe hesitated before saying, "It is not you she cries about. She will not sleep until she sees Raymond, Elizabeth."

Red replied, "It's all right. I upset her even more than I thought over the last 2 months. I will talk to her and be with you shortly, Lizzie." He limped with his cane to their daughter's bedroom and knocked on the door. He came in and found her crying on the bed. He sat next to her and placed his hand on her hip. He said, "I'm home, Masha. Just like I promised."

Agnes rolled over, knelt, and wrapped herself around Red's neck. She cried, "Daddy."

Red wrapped his arms around the sobbing child and said, "It's all right...shhh. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you when you found me passed out in the study this morning.. I just needed time alone. It was wrong of me to not consider your attachment to me and all I can say is....I'm so sorry."

Agnes had her head on his shoulder and stammered, "I love you. You are the only daddy I've ever had. I'm scared I'll lose you. That you'll leave me or go to heaven."

Red kissed her cheek and firmly replied, "I will not leave you without a fight, Masha. Even if you and Lizzie left I'd still want to see you. I will NEVER desert you. I will do my best to be here for you until I breathe my last breath. You are my little girl and the most important thing to me in the world. I'm not perfect and I will make mistakes but no matter what happens you will always have a place in my life and my heart." He kissed her temple before backing up and kissing her forehead.

Agnes stammered, "I want to stay with you, daddy. No matter what. If you leave..take me with you.."

Red sighed, "As much as I'd like to say yes I can't promise that. It's only right that you go with your mom if we separated but I don't see that happening. I think you two are going to be stuck with this grumpy old man for quite some time. Now do you think you can get to sleep now?"

Agnes asked, "Stay with me? Until I'm asleep?" She clutched her gray stuffed rabbit he had bought her 2 years before as she laid down on the bed. It was her first gift from him.

Red replied, "All right." He lifted his legs up and crossed them at the ankles on the bed sitting against the headboard. He ran his fingers through Agnes' hair until she finally nodded off. He remembered the day he had bought her that rabbit. It had reminded him of Lizzie's rabbit that he had gotten her. He just bought it on a whim because of that and handed it to her when he got home. He got immense joy out of how happy it made her to get that rabbit. She has taken it everywhere and slept with that rabbit ever since. She had named him Ray after him.

Agnes placed a hand on his leg and mumbled, "Thank you, Daddy."

Red replied, "You're welcome." Once he was sure she was asleep he carefully got up, kissed her goodnight and went to his bedroom. He saw Lizzie sitting on the bed reading when he came in. She had changed into a pair of sleep shorts and a tank. He started taking off his layers and said, "Sorry. I had to sit with Masha until she fell asleep."

Liz asked, "Is she all right?"

Red sighed, "Yes...Just very distraught. Because of my...folly the last month she thinks I am going to leave her.....Add to that the fact she found me in my study this morning for the 2nd time in a month passed out cold and couldn't wake me....She is also afraid I am going to die on her as well now. I regret to say I didn't even consider how she would react to any of it. I have hurt her and scared her badly by being a self-centered prick." He got his pajamas and went to the bathroom to change. 

Liz was unaware that he had been drinking again in the morning but it didn't surprise her based on the melancholy mood he was in earlier. She waited for him to come out of the bathroom before saying, "You aren't a self-centered prick, Raymond."

Red asked, "Oh? What am I then? You're the profiler."

Liz replied, "You are an insecure middle aged man with a terrible fear of rejection from the only family you have truly loved in your entire life. You are afraid that your bad leg, scars, pot belly, past, and mood swings are going to drive us away. Sometimes you do things to test us to see if we'll hate you as much as you hate yourself.... Like getting drunk, beating someone up, threatening lives, or starting an argument. You push us away because you are terrified to let us get too close but yet you know deep down it is too late. You want us to stay with you but you feel you don't deserve to be loved or for us to worry about you because you hate yourself. You are vulnerable with us and that scares you because you don't know how to express love after so long being a loner. You are trying but you are afraid that you will be the one hurt in the end because you need us to love you regardless of how many boundaries you push. You are in so deep that if you lost us you would fall into the abyss and self-destruct. When you don't know how to handle emotions from others like me for example you become distant and closed off. You think giving someone space means you disappear and stop talking to them. Or in our case....Exile yourself to the damn sofa and avoid me like the plague."

Red made a pained noise before whispering, "Yeah." She had apparently gotten better at profiling but then they have been living together for 2 years and he hasn't truly hid his feelings. It still hurt when she hit the nail on the head though. He sat on his side of the bed and felt her reach around him for the cream on his night stand. He just shrugged out of his top like he did every night for her to apply the cream to his back. When she was done he put his top back on and buttoned it. He laid down on his side and felt her spoon up behind him with a hand rubbing and carding through the hair on his soft lower belly under his top.

Liz said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Raymond."

Red whispered, "It's not your fault the truth hurts, Lizzie. You just did as I asked."

Liz sighed, "Raymond..."

Red grasped the arm over his waist but didn't move her hand. He replied, "It's all right, Lizzie. You're right...It's fine. I just need some sleep."

Liz asked, "Are we all right?"

Red squeezed her arm lightly and replied, "Yeah. We're fine, Lizzie. I'm just tired and the truth hit me harder than I expected."

Liz replied, "I love you, Raymond. You do believe that right?"

Red replied, "Yeah. You wouldn't put with me and my bullshit if you didn't. I'm not an....easy man to live with on the long term." He felt her hug him tightly before going back to playing with his hair on his belly. Eventually his sleeping pill kicked in and fell asleep in Liz's arms.

Liz constantly was fighting a losing battle with Red but all she could do is keep trying and hope one day he just accepts she loves him regardless of his insecurities and faults. She never planned on falling for him but it happened and they have a child together that adores him. She didn't expect his reaction to her profile of him. She just rested her head against his shoulder and nestled her legs against his before falling asleep herself comforted by his soft snoring and warmth .


	8. Out Foxed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well Liz finds a way to get Red to talk to her even if he may be mad about it.

Liz went to her therapist again the next week and was a lot lighter at heart. She had asked Red to meet her there but she doubted he would show up.

Dr. Sands asked, "How are you today, Elizabeth?"

Liz replied, "Pretty good actually."

Dr. Sands asked, "You and Raymond work some things out since I last saw you?"

Liz replied, "We are talking more about our feelings...although it's very hard for him. He feels things very deeply but isn't very good at expressing them out loud. That's why the first 3 years of our relationship was so turbulent. He loved me but he couldn't say the words. If he had some things may have been handled differently. He's trying and that's important."

Dr. Sands asked, "Do think joining you in these sessions might help?"

Liz laughed, "No. He has so many secrets from the life he's led that he is anything but chatty. Oh don't get me wrong he'll talk but not about anything important. He....deflects people away from the truth. That's partly why I was so frustrated with him. It took living with him for the last 2 years to be able to read when he's deflecting. Believe me he is very good at it."

Dr. Sands asked, "Have you done anything fun lately?"

Liz replied, "Yes....We went out for our anniversary. He bought me this necklace." She touched the heart on her neck.

Dr. Sands replied, "That is a very pretty necklace. He must love you very much to spend so much to buy you a present like that."

Liz laughed, "He told me 'money is no object when it is for my Lizzie' and it never has been. He has bought me expensive gifts, an apartment, built a music box for me. As I look back on it he was trying to woo me since we met. He's an endless flirt which in the beginning I didn't know how to take that aspect of his personality. He also has a dirty mind at times because he loves innuendos. As the years went by I found that I love all of him because if any one thing about him was different then I may never have fallen in love with him."

Dr. Sands replied, "Are you his only....girlfriend?"

Liz replied, "No. 20 years or so back he had a wife and daughter but they were murdered. After that he didn't form any actual relationships that I've heard of until he entered my life rather unexpectedly."

Dr. Sands asked, "So he was married once before? Have you ever discussed getting married someday?"

Liz sighed, "Not really. It seems to be a sore spot for him because of his last family. Also my first marriage ended in disaster."

Dr. Sands asked, "Would you like to get married?"

Liz smiled and replied, "Yes. I'd love to be Raymond's wife. More than anything in the world but I don't see it ever happening."

Dr. Sands asked, "Why not?"

Liz sighed, "I think he's......convinced he's never going to be good enough for me. "

Dr. Sands asked, "Is that true?"

Liz replied, "God. No. I love him. He once told me if anyone could give him a second chance that it would be me. I didn't understand what he meant back then but now........He is beyond damaged and broken and can't accept that he is worth being loved or cared about. I have a fantasy of having a loving husband and walking on the beach with our daughter between us. I told him about it and he told me he couldn't give me that. He doesn't want to tie me down to a damaged, broken, old man."

Dr. Sands replied, "And yet he has, has he not?"

Liz replied, "Yes to some degree. He has given everything but the stability of marriage. It's not that I think he will ever truly leave unless I tell him too. I know he would never desert Agnes...He adores her. It's just that he's not well and someday .....He may be dying and I won't be able to even see him to even say good-bye because of that damn piece of paper!" By this point she was crying and she was handed tissues. She whispered, "Sorry."

Dr. Sands replied, "Maybe you should discuss how feel with him. It may even make him feel more secure with your relationship as well."

Liz stammered, "He..always has to leave me an out even when I don't want it. I don't dare to tell him to leave because...I know I'd never see him again. He'd find a way to see Agnes without seeing me. I know him. The only reason he would keep coming back before was because we were working together...Now he has no ties to me except Agnes..If he took her without seeing me I would let him. He'd probably send Dembe to pick her up."

Dr. Sands asked, "If he kidnapped her you wouldn't report it?"

Liz replied, "No because I KNOW he'd bring her back. It's his style to whisk people away to exotic places whenever he feels like it. Custody agreements would be pointless with him. I know he'd never hurt her and tell me where they were so I didn't worry."

Dr. Sands asked, "Who's Dembe?"

Liz laughed, "Dembe....He's Raymond's friend and like an adopted son. Dembe has been with him since he was a boy. They consider each other brothers and have a very deep personal bond. Dembe will always be there for Raymond regardless of whether I am there or not." She looked up as the office door opened.

Sandy said, "Excuse me, Dr. Sands. There's a gentleman in the waiting room looking for Miss Milhoan. Said his name is Raymond."

Dr. Sands replied, "All right. Please show him in, Sandy. Looks like he did show up after all." She studied the man as he entered the room. She noticed the cane and that he favored his left side, he had a black 3 piece suit on with a tie and black fedora. The fedora he was currently worrying the rim of as he held it in his right hand. He had a slight double chin and she could tell he had a belly even in all the black. He had fairly short (maybe 2 inches long?) light brown hair streaked with grey. He wasn't an unattractive man but he was at least in his 50's if not older.

Red looked at the room and saw the doctor and then Lizzie. He smiled and said, "Lizzie..." He kissed her forehead when she came over and hugged him. 

Liz stood up and went to Red and hugged him. She said, "Raymond." She suddenly started crying again. 

Red looked at her tear streaked cheeks and smudged mascara. He gently wiped a tear away with his thumb. He said, "Oh, Lizzie. You've been crying. God..You're still crying. What's wrong?"

Liz replied, "Nothing. I just missed you and am happy to see you. Umm, Raymond..This is Dr. Sands...My therapist. Dr. Sands, this is my boyfriend Raymond." She took hold of his elbow and gently directed him to the chair beside her and took his hand as soon as he dropped his cane against the inside of his chair. 

Red entwined their fingers together and set his hat on the table next to his chair. He cleared his throat and said, "Sorry I took so long. School called. I had to pick up Masha. She's not feeling well today. Nurse said it might be the flu."

Dr. Sands asked, "Sorry? Masha?"

Liz replied, "Our 6 year old daughter, Agnes. Masha is Raymond's nickname for her."

Dr. Sands said, "Well. So you are Raymond. Elizabeth has told me a lot about you. How you are a doting father and wonderful boyfriend. How you have been there for her through a lot of bumps in the road for 10 years. I can tell you adore her by the way your face lit up when you saw her. But yet I see sorrow in your eyes as well."

Red rasped, "Yeah." He brought Lizzie's hand to his lips and kissed the back of her hand. He eventually replied, "All I want is for Lizzie and Masha to be happy." He gently turned Liz's hand over and kissed the scar on her wrist.

Liz asked, "Where is Agnes?" 

Red replied between kissing her palm, "With Dembe. Told him to take her home. I'd go home with you."

Liz said, "Stop it, Raymond. I know what you are doing." She knew damn well what he was doing. He was deflecting again by trying to distract her. She noticed the flash of hurt in his eyes before he hid it behind a wall.

Red snarked, "Trying to drive you mad with lust? Well why wouldn't I? You are my girlfriend."

Liz sighed, "You know you're deflecting again."

Red laughed, "Oh? Well she is your shrink. Not mine."

Liz sighed, Maybe you should see one yourself."

Red laughed, "Oh? And what could I possible tell them without needing to kill them? I'm perfectly comfortable with what I am, Lizzie."

Liz replied, "No you aren't. You are so damaged. If you were truly comfortable with who you are then you wouldn't be conflicted when it comes to me and Agnes, Raymond." She saw the hurt back again and felt bad for the low blow. She noticed he didn't even bother to shutter it again.

Red couldn't believe she had just sucker punched him. He rasped, "That was cruel, Lizzie. It would be bad enough in private but...."

Liz knelt in front of his chair and said, "She knows. I've told her what you are like in the process of trying to heal. She won't be sharing it with anyone else. She's bound by a confidentiality statement I signed. She suggested we discuss a few things and I agree with her. This is neutral ground for both of us."

Red grumbled, "You know I don't like to be cornered. The resulting outcome never bodes well. You rarely have stepped over the line you know better than to cross but this time you did. WHY, Lizzie?"

Liz could tell he was barely controlling his anger with her but behind the anger she heard the hurt in his voice. She placed a hand on his knee and firmly said, "For us. I did it for us. For two years we have been at a stalemate because you hate yourself. Your moods swing from one extreme to the other. The only thing constant about you is how much you love me and Agnes. When you get depressed you are distant and self-destructive. God knows I love you with every fiber of my being but you can't accept that I love you enough to want to stay with you."

Red sighed, "No. I know, Lizzie."

Lizzie asked, "Then why do you keep trying push me way?"

Red croaked, "Because you deserve better than me, Lizzie. You deserve someone your own age, nimble, undamaged, and doesn't have a jaded past. I'll never be good enough for you because no matter how much good I try to do, money I make or how much I worship you....It can't change who I've become or what I've done. It can't change my past."

Liz took both his hands that rested in his lap and looked up at him. She said, "Can't you see? I don't care about any of it. I love you for who you are...good and bad. Your past may be part of who you have become but it's not who you are in here." She placed one hand over his heart. 

Red stammered, "Lizzie..."

Liz said, "No. Listen to me. Maybe you are damaged. Maybe you are old, fat and crippled..So what? I love you just the way you are. I decided that if any one thing about you had been different I may never have fallen for you. Above all you are my BEST friend. I am proud to call you my boyfriend because I love you. I just want you to accept that I will be here until the end. Stop trying to push me away. I know you are still going to have your bouts of insecurity and self loathing but I am here when you need to talk. Instead of brooding and becoming distant just try to talk to me. Please, Raymond..."

Red had a war raging in his head....Anger at being put in this position, anger at himself for being angry, hurt that Liz cornered him, pride that she out smarted him, guilt for.... oh hell everything, shame at his past. He finally rasped, "OK, Lizzie. I'll try."

Liz straighten and chastely kissed him on the lips before saying, "Thank you."

Red demanded, "But don't EVER do something like this again."

Liz kissed his temple and replied, "Ok. I promise as long as you talk to me about what's bothering you I won't do anything like this again."

Dr. Sands said, "I think that's enough progress for today. It was nice meeting you, Raymond. If you ever need a therapist I can help you find one."

When they got to the car Red asked, "Why did you do that to me?"

Liz replied, "Because it was the only thing left to try and get you to talk to me. I understand you have secrets that you'll never tell me but a relationship is built on communication, compromise, and not shutting your partner out because you are in a snit or depressed. Things should be talked through to keep from having miss understandings."

Red sighed, "I guess I deserved it for all the shit I put you through the last month with my moods." He had been stuck in that building for almost an hour, the school and the car about an hour before that so he really wanted a cigarette.

Liz grasped his hand and replied, "I did it because I love you and I don't want you to ever doubt that love, Raymond."

Red turned his hand palm up and entwined their fingers together. He rasped, "I never doubted your love, Lizzie. I doubt my ability to keep you happy. I'm almost 30 years older than you. I'm worried that one day you'll tire of me and my bullshit. I have maybe 20 years left before I die. You'll only be in your 50's, Lizzie. It's not fair that you are shackled to a man as old and damaged as I am."

Liz replied, "But it's my choice to make, Raymond. Not yours or anyone else's. MINE. I choose to be with you no matter what happens in the future."

Red rasped, "I know and I feel blessed to have an angel in love with me. I just hope you don't regret that choice someday."

Liz replied, "I'm no angel."

Red replied, "It doesn't matter. You are my angel."


	9. Agnes has the Flu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well Agnes is sick and needs her daddy. We also find a few other new things out about Red time without Lizzie.

When they got home he checked on Agnes first. He sat on the bed next to her and asked, "How are you feeling, Masha?"

Agnes groaned, "Daddy? I don't feel so good." She just made it over the edge of the bed to throw up in the bucket Dembe had put there for her earlier. 

Red soothingly rubbed her back as she threw up and cried. He said, "It's all right. I'm right here. It'll be over soon." When she was done she sat up, he wiped her face and coaxed her to rinse her mouth with some water before taking a drink. He then took the bucket and emptied it, rinsed it out and returned it where it was by her bed. 

Agnes asked, "Are you mad at me, daddy?" She was laying on her back looking at him.

Red sat back on the bed and leaned closer to her to move a thatch off hair off her face with his hand. He asked, "Why on earth would I be mad at you?"

Agnes replied, "I'm sick."

Red laughed, "Oh my Masha. Being sick is not your fault, sweetheart. No I'm not mad at you. I'm just tired and need a cigarette." When he went to stand up she gripped his jacket like iron.

Agnes begged, "Please stay with me. I'm scared, daddy."

Red said, "I'll make a deal with you. Let me go get my cigarettes and take some of these layers off and I'll tell or read you some stories. Your choice."

Agnes pleaded, "You stay with me after you come back?"

Red replied, "Yes. If that's what you need from me then I'll stay with you."

Agnes said, "OK. You promise?"

Red replied, "I promise. I'll be back in a few minutes." He kissed her fevered head and went to do what he had to do. 

Liz asked, "How is she?"

Red sighed, "Very sick and scared. I promised to stay with her after I did what I needed to do." He picked up his ashtray, lighter and a pack of cigarettes before going to his room and taking off his tie and jacket before unbuttoning the top 3 buttons of his shirt and all the buttons on his vest. He also unbuttoned and rolled up his sleeves. He grabbed one of the smaller blankets off his bed as well. After moving all of it into Agnes' room he sat in the rocker beside the girl's bed. He put the blanket over his legs and placed his ashtray on the nightstand between the bed and rocker. He lit a cigarette and watched his little girl sleep. About a half hour later she woke up and threw up again. 

Agnes cried, "Daddy...."

Red put out his cigarette and painfully moved to the bed and started rubbing her back again. He said, "I'm here, Masha." She was done and cleaned up he let her pull him on the bed with her. He leaned against the headboard, crossed his ankles and covered them both with his blanket. She was curled up against his side with her head resting on his belly. He ran his fingers through her hair and lit a cigarette.

Agnes asked, "Can you tell me a story?"

Red replied, "What kind of story do you want to hear?"

Agnes asked, "How did you and mommy meet? When you were older?"

Red took a drag on the cigarette and replied, "That's a...complicated story. Most of it I can't tell you but the short story is....FBI agent meets wanted criminal. I had a list of people for them to catch and I would only work with Lizzie. Needless to say....we made a good team even though at the time she didn't want anything to do with me."

Agnes asked, "When did you know you loved her?"

Red laughed, "Well there was this.....argument we had and she shoved an expensive ball point pen in me neck. Almost killed me since it went into a vital artery. That's when I started falling for her. After that I fell hard and fast for her."

Agnes asked, "She almost killed you and you fell in love? That's pretty crazy, daddy."

Red replied, "Yeah I guess it is but it's the truth. Now try to get some sleep." He put out the cigarette and entwined his fingers with her small ones resting on his belly. He carded the fingers of his other hand through her hair. Later that night Dembe brought him his pills, a glass of water and a sandwich. Eventually he nodded off himself and was woken sometime later when she was throwing up again. He barely registered what was happening because of his sleeping pill still working. He mumbled, "Daddy's here." He placed his hand tiredly on her back. 

Agnes heard Red's tired mumble and knew he must be out of it. When it was over she cleaned up like he showed her and curled up against his belly again. She noticed he was nodding off again and asked, "You OK, Daddy?"

Red yawned before rumbling, "Tired. Sleep. Safe."

Agnes wondered why he was so out of it but she was comforted by the rise and fall of his belly against her ear as he slept. Then she quietly giggled when he started to lightly snore. She worried about him constantly because it scared her when he was out of it or unresponsive. She knows he takes about 6 pills in the morning, 2 in the afternoon and 5 at bedtime. She only knew this because she's watched him empty the pill box for each day or Dembe would hand them to him when she was sitting next to him. She may be a child but she knew he wasn't well and didn't like being separated from him because who will take care of him if Dembe can't? He doesn't like mommy knowing he's not well and acts like he's fine when he's around her. She knows this because he doesn't let her near his pills. She started to nod off because at least when he snores she knows he's just asleep.

Sometime later Red was woken again when she was sick again. This time he was a little more with it because his sleeping pill was starting to wear off. When he took it before he went to bed he usually slept through the night providing he wasn't constantly jarred awake but then that's the joys of being a father. Being woken up all night long when your kid is sick. He rubbed her back and tiredly said, "It's all right. Daddy's here." He felt her curl back up against his belly and carded his fingers through her hair.  
Agnes asked, "Daddy? Why were you so out of it last time?"

Red yawned and replied, "I.... take a sleeping pill that knocks me out every night. It makes me very groggy until about 4 am if I wake during the night. I usually sleep through the night if I'm not woken up by someone. If I didn't take it I'd be up all night. I don't....sleep well without it."

Agnes said, "I'm sorry I interrupted your sleep."

Red hugged her close and replied, "I told you there's nothing to be sorry about. You needed me and I'm here. I don't mind. I'm glad I'm useful for something. So I got less sleep for a night. It's all right. I'll just sleep more during the day."

Agnes clutched Red's shirt and said, "Thank you for staying with me, daddy."

Red replied, "You're welcome, Masha. How are you feeling?"

Agnes groaned, "Like a well used hooker."

Red was surprised by Agnes' reference to one of his prostitute stories but eventually laughed, "Yeah. I can see that. You definitely take after your old man. You might not want to use that phrase in front of your mom. She's probably slap me for even telling you any of those stories."

Agnes asked, "Why?"

Red replied, "They are not really child friendly. They are more keyed toward adults."

Agnes stammered, "Sorry, daddy."

Red replied, "It's just not appropriate for a young lady to use that terminology. I don't care what references you make to me. Just keep in mind not everyone will not be as open minded." He told her so many of his crazy stories he forgot what ones he had told her. Now that he thought back on it he shouldn't have told her them but what was done was done. All he could do is inform her what she should and shouldn't repeat until she's older.

Agnes said, "I like your crazy stories, daddy."

Red replied, "I know. That's why I told you them but I probably should have paid better attention to what was acceptable for a 6 year old to repeat."

Agnes said, "You look so happy when you are telling them. I like it when you are happy. You have a nice smile. I like it when you really smile.."

Red was surprised by that observation. He replied, "Thank you. I don't think I've ever been told that before."

Agnes said, "You don't smile much. Why?"

Red sighed, "I haven't really had that much to smile about in my life. You need to be happy to smile."

Agnes asked, "Don't me and mommy make you happy?"

Red replied, "Yes. Don't ever doubt that you make me happy. It's just that with the happy comes the sad for me. I have more memories of sorrow than I do happiness. You think you can get to sleep again?"

Agnes, "I can try. You OK, daddy?"

Red coughed to clear his throat. He replied, "Yeah. Just tired." 

Agnes put her head down and asked, "Daddy? Why is you heart beat different? Please tell me...." She clutched at his shirt and started to cry because she was afraid.

Red sighed, "My..... ticker is faulty, Masha. That's partly why I sleep so much. When I don't get enough sleep or have too much stress....it acts up."

Agnes whispered, "Does it hurt?"

Red groaned, "Sometimes. Right now I'm just dizzy and...my chest feels tight."

Agnes begged, "Don't die, daddy, please.. I'll do anything."

Red kissed her head and replied, "I'm not going to die on you. Not yet anyway. That's why I take medication to help control the condition. It doesn't fix it but it helps."

Agnes asked, "What happened?"

Red sighed, "After....Your mom disappeared.....I had a bad heart attack...In short part of my ticker isn't working. I have to stay on the medication I'm on to live....If I stop taking it for more than 3 days it could cause another heart attack. I didn't care before but now I have something to live for. I have you and Lizzie."

Agnes asked, "Why don't you want mommy to know?"

Red turned his head enough to look at her. He asked, "How did you...?"

Agnes replied, "You only let Dembe give you your pills. You pretend to be well in front of her even when you are not."

Red sighed, "When your mom and I became friends... I was old but healthy. Now....I'm old and sickly. I guess one of the biggest reasons is my pride. I know sooner or later she will find out and I dread that day. The other is....I'm afraid. Afraid that if I tell her how sick I really am she'll....leave and take you from me. I couldn't bear loosing you both a second time, Masha." By this point his voice was trembling with trying to hold the tears back.

Agnes declared, "I won't go anywhere without you."

Red whispered, "Sadly that isn't your choice to make."

Agnes replied, "I don't care. I'm staying with you."

Red rasped, "I..couldn't do that to your mother. No matter how....much I'd want to keep you by my side." 

Agnes felt him hold her tight and bury his nose in her hair while he shook trying to suppress tears. She rarely saw him like this and realized he hides it from her. She sees him sad, happy, angry, hurt but never crying. She said, "Why don't you ever let me see you cry, daddy?"

Red swallowed hard and rasped, "It's a sign of weakness. I've made a life of grieving alone. Keeping that side hidden for everyone. Emotions can easily be used against you."

Agnes replied, "I won't do that. I only want to help you."

Red rasped, "I know....But you are too young to take my burdens on your shoulders. Nor should you have too, Masha."

Agnes whispered, "Please don't shut me out."

Red sighed, "Go to sleep, sweetheart." He knew she wouldn't stop but for now she knew not to push him anymore tonight. He looked at the alarm clock on her night stand and saw it was 3 in the morning. He closed his eyes and tried to will his heart to slow down is erratic pounding. He wasn't sure when he nodded off but was later woken to a gentle shake on the arm. He heard the voice speaking to him before words registered. He mumbled, "Lizzie..."

Liz said, "Raymond, why don't you go to bed? I'll sit with Agnes." She had to admit they made a cute picture. Him half propped against the headboard, Agnes laying with her head on his rounded belly, His arm around her back and chin resting against the top of her head. Both of them were covered with one of Red blankets.

Red rumbled, "No. She wants me here."

Liz sighed, "You're obviously worn out. I can take over."

Red snapped his eyes open and growled, "I said NO, Lizzie. Besides you have work in the morning. I'm fine. If she's not better by afternoon I'll take her to a doctor."

Liz groaned, "You are stubborn and insufferable! Is this some kind of macho thing?" She watched Agnes suddenly bolt up, throw her head over the bed and throw up. 

Red replied, "No. It's not some macho thing. She wants me to stay with her and I gave my word I would." He rubbed Agnes' back and said, "It's going to be all right."

Agnes sobbed, "Daddy...Make it stop..."

Red replied, "I wish I could, Masha. It should pass soon." After she was cleaned up he felt her curl back up against his belly and wrapped an arm around her.

Liz realized that she needed Red more than her so she sighed and went to bed. She was glad he was bonding with Agnes but she was starting to wonder if Agnes was becoming too dependent on him. Sad part was that she noticed a change in him because of this night. He was a devoted father also viciously possessive when it came to caring for Agnes. He knew he would never hurt the child but at the same time he wanted to apparently take the task of caring for her all by himself. She was trying to figure out caused the sudden change as she fell asleep.


	10. Liz Makes a Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry updates took so long. was very busy and didn't have access to the net for a while. Got 11 new chapters though for you today :)

Red was relieved that Agnes started to feel better by 6 am and stopped throwing up. He was exhausted but he wasn't going to send her to school because he wanted to make she was completely better first. But he did know if they were going to be sleeping anymore they had to move to his bed because his back was killing him. She was still attached to his hip so he just coaxed into his room as Lizzie was leaving for work.

Liz asked incredulously, "Are you sure it's wise letting her sleep with you? What are people going to think?"

Red sighed, "You wanted me to get sleep...She still won't leave my side...My back can't stand her bed anymore...Simple solution... move us to my bed. Honestly, Lizzie. She crawls in my bed all the time during the day. Before you slept with me she would seek me out after a nightmare. She is sick...She wants her father to comfort her...I am her father...It is that simple. Honestly....You'd think I was committing mass murder with how you just reacted...."

Liz replied, "Never mind..I'm going to work.."

Red's tired mind finally started working and he ground out, "Oh..Now I get it. You just acted like I was going to do something lewd and illicit..with my own daughter...This time you listen..I may be MANY things including morally challenged in many ways but one thing I have never been nor ever will I be is a Pedophile. I would never put my child through the trauma of incest. Do. You. Understand. Me?? If you think otherwise then you better tell me to leave. I will NOT put up with you even thinking that just because I comforted our daughter while she was sick that I am trying to...rape her. That is one kind of monster I am NOT, Lizzie." 

Liz stammered, "I wasn't...."

Red growled, "It's either that or you are jealous of your own daughter! So which is it? Do think I am a child molesting monster? Or are you jealous because I am spending more time with Masha than you?"

Liz stammered, "I'm sorry. I never meant to imply..."

Red's chest was hurting because his blood pressure was up and he snapped, "You are amazing....You come to me...Beg me to forgive you....even Mr. Kaplan...Ask me to raise...Masha as MY own flesh and blood...Then you imply I would....hurt my little girl? Just because I comforted her while she was sick and scared?"

Liz knew she had finally made him angry and regretted it. She stammered, "I'm sorry, Raymond.. That was stupid.. I..never meant to..."

Red looked at her and coldly snapped, "To WHAT? Hurt me? Well congratulations! You did. Get out, Lizzie. Go to work. I can't stand to look at you right now. I'm too tired and angry to deal with this right now." As he watched her scurry from the room to avoid his fury he rubbed his chest. He stumbled to his study and found his Nitro pills in his desk drawer. After he got 2 in his system the pain in his chest subsided and he sat heavily in his chair. He propped his cane against his leg and scrubbed a hand angrily over his face. He loved Liz more than anything in the world except Agnes but she hit a nerve. 

Dembe found Red in the study. He asked, "Are you all right, Raymond?"

Red scoffed, "Wonderful."

Dembe said, "I heard you and Elizabeth. I believe Agnes did as well."

Red growled, "God damn it! Where is Masha?"

Dembe replied, "She is curled in your bed sobbing."

Red groaned, "I can't win...Lizzie implies I'm trying to molest my little girl and poor Masha is stuck in the middle. Maybe they'd be better off without me here."

Dembe replied, "I do not believe she really believes you would hurt Agnes. I think it is more likely she is a bit jealous that you are not letting her help with Agnes than anything. She loves you. She just lashed out. She has a temper. She does not get to spend as much time with the child as you, Raymond."

Red sighed, "I know, Dembe. How much more of her anger can I take with my bad heart before it kills me? She truly hurt and angered me. If I hadn't gotten in here to get the Nitro when I did....I may very well have had another heart attack. She made me THAT furious. My blood is still boiling at the audacity....that she would even THINK that!"

Dembe said, "Take your pills and lay down for a while. You are also over tired. Elizabeth will come to her senses. She knows you adore Agnes. Right now the child needs you more."

Red obediently took his pills when Dembe handed them to him and then limped out of his study down the hall to his bedroom. He saw his 6 year old girl curled up in a ball on his pillow. He sat on his side of the bed and ran his fingers over her cheek pushing her curly brown hair off of her face. He quietly said, "Masha? You all right?"

Agnes whispered, "Are you made at me, daddy?"

Red replied, "No, sweetheart. I'm not mad at you."

Agnes asked, "Is mommy?"

Red could feel the twitch in his eye and cheek going as he replied, "No. Mommy's not mad at you. She's mad at me."

Agnes watched her father's eye and cheek twitch. She had only seen that a couple times and it was when he was very angry. She whispered, "But you are fighting over me."  
Red sadly sighed, "Yeah." He lightly tapped her to get her to scoot over so he could lay down next to her. He lifted his arm and let curl up against his side. She felt her put her head against his shoulder and a small hand on his belly. Once she was done moving he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. He kissed the top of her head and let her sob on his shoulder. He felt like Lizzie had just started a tug of war with Agnes. He only saw two ways to stop it. He either had to run away with Agnes or leave. He was not going to stop taking care of the child as much as he is just so Lizzie wouldn't get jealous or think he was molesting her.

Agnes sobbed for a long time before stammering, "I'm sorry, daddy."

Red got her to lift her head and look at him before he firmly said, "None of this is your fault. You have NOTHING to be sorry about. I will ALWAYS think of you as the light of my life. Your mom and I are just going through a bit of a rough patch. It will get ironed out one way or another." 

Agnes whispered, "Promise you won't leave me, daddy."

Red rasped, "I...can't make that promise, sweetheart. If your mom.....wants me to go...I don't have much choice. I will promise that I won't desert you. I will visit and make sure you know how to get a hold of me if you need me. I'm hoping it doesn't come to that but I will not disappear on you. You are a Reddington, Masha. As long as I am alive I will be there for you. I will NOT lose you like I've lost everyone else in my life."

Agnes timidly asked, "Why don't I have your name?"

Red rasped, "Lizzie.... gave you her name after Tom left her. I wasn't around then. Had I known....that I was....your father...I would have told her to give you mine."

Agnes asked, "Can we change it?"

Red cleared his throat and replied, "I'd imagine we can providing your mom will let me..Why? Don't like Milhoan?"

Agnes quietly replied, "I......want to have your name, daddy. I want them to know who...my daddy is and that I love you."

Red rasped, "If...Lizzie will permit it then I'd be more than honored to give you my name, Masha."

Agnes tightened her arm around his round middle like a hug. She said, "Thank you, daddy."

Red rasped, "I love you, Masha. Don't ever forget that." His pills were finally starting to kick in and he was calming down again. His chest wasn't bothering him so much and he was relieved at that. 

Agnes replied, "I love you too." She felt him carding his fingers through her hair. As his breathing slowed she felt his hand stop moving to rest on her shoulder limply. When he started to snore softly she smiled and let herself join him in sleep. She woke suddenly and wasn't sure what had until she felt Red jerking back and forth next to her and talking in his sleep. She shook him until he shot awake. She cried, "Daddy?"

Red shot into a sitting position running into a small mass that he later registered was Agnes. He scrubbed a hand over his face and croaked, "I'm all right, Masha. Just a bad dream. Sorry I woke you." He felt her wrap her small body around his much larger one in a hug. He tucked her head under his chin and held her close as he calmed down. He wasn't quite sure what it was about except the ending was always the same...Lizzie and Agnes being tortured and murdered in front of him while he was helpless to stop it.. It was his constant fear ever since they became a family. He usually didn't see it in his sleep when he was knocked out with his sleeping pill but once in a while he'd wake suddenly from a nap during the day from the dream.

Agnes hugged him because she needed the comfort as much as she thought he needed it. When she felt his grip on her loosen she pulled back and looked at his face. He looked tired and sad. She asked, "You all right?"

Red kissed her forehead and replied, "Yeah. I...just need a cigarette." He noticed his stuff had been moved into his room from Agnes' and figured Dembe did it while they slept. He sat back against the head board and took a cigarette out of his pack, placed it between his lips, and with a shaky hand lit it. He took a long drag and held it a minute before letting it out. Once his nerves were steady again he moved the ashtray on his night stand closer. 

Agnes curled up with her head resting on his belly while he smoked. She had noticed he wasn't smoking as much as he did when she met him 2 years ago. Her mom says that's a good thing. She buried her nose in his shirt. She always liked his smell. He smelled of smoke, sweat, gunpowder, sandalwood, mints, and whiskey. In short bitter, spicy and salty. It was a scent very unique to him and she found it comforting. She lifted her head when he moved to scoot back down the bed again.

Red ground out his cigarette and laid back down and waited for Agnes to get comfortable again. He nodded back to sleep again and woke to the feeling of being watched. He snapped his eyes open and saw Lizzie standing in the doorway and carefully extricated himself from Agnes. He closed the door after he was out in the hall way in hopes that the child wasn't going to get woken. He said, "Study." He really wasn't in any mood to deal with her right now but he knew the sooner it's sorted the better.

Liz followed Red to his study and accepted the drink he handed her. She felt ashamed she even implied that Red would hurt Agnes. She knew better after 2 years. She quietly said, "I'm sorry, Raymond. I crossed a line I shouldn't have. I don't blame you for being angry with me."

Red took a sip of his whiskey and sat down before holding his hand up to stop her babbling. He coldly said, "First you should know Masha heard us this morning. She blames herself for our argument. I did the best I could to derail that train of thought. Second...When you practically accused me of....trying to molest my own daughter..... You could have tortured me with a high voltage electrical current attached to my dick and it would have hurt less. You should...KNOW me well enough by now to know better. I may be a great many evil things but a child molester I am not, Lizzie. I have decided that Masha needs me more than I need my pride. But I am going to tell you this...If you EVER mention anything like that again I will be gone. I will not desert my daughter but YOU will never see me again. Are we clear?"

Liz whispered, "Yes, Raymond. I am truly sorry. That was cruel and unfair of me. "

Red replied, "Fine. Now care to explain why you were so cruel?"

Liz sat in the chair beside him and sighed, "I was angry.....That Agnes wanted you and not me to take care of her. Before.....you...I was my daughter's world and....now you are. No. Don't even deny it...I know she loves you more than me..I can see it in the way she looks at you, worries about you, and how terrified she is of loosing you."

Red sighed, "I'm sorry, Lizzie. I never intended to take your place. I just..."

Liz replied, "Did what I asked you to do and be her father. I am....grateful she loves you, Raymond. It's just hard to adjust after 4 years of being the center of her universe to not being it anymore. "

Red rasped, "Do you want me to leave?" It would kill him if she said yes but he was tired of fighting in his life for everything he ever had.

Liz sighed, "No. It's far too late for that. Your departure would devastate her. It's not your fault you're a better father than I am a mother. I just lashed out at you because you..... are the apple of her eye. You are the center of her universe."

Red cleared his throat and said, "I'll back off..."

Liz yelped, "No. She'd be too hurt if you did. She wouldn't understand. I just have to accept the situation as it is."

Red sighed, "This isn't the time but I guess it can't make things much worse.....Masha....wants to bear my name."

Liz asked, "What did you tell her?"

Red replied, "Told her I'd do it but it was your decision. If you don't wish her to carry my name then I won't do it."

Liz asked, "Wouldn't there be a problem because of your past?"

Red replied, "Not really. The FBI pardoned me and anyone who knows me by my reputation will either steer clear of her or fall over themselves to earn my favor once she bears my name. Believe me very few would lay a hand on my daughter if they wanted to live because I WILL kill anyone who harms her."

Liz replied, "All right. If both of you want it then we will work on changing her last name to Reddington."

Red replied, "Thank you, Lizzie." He finished his tumbler of whiskey and watched Liz get up and move to take his glass before kissing him on the top of his head.

Liz said, "I do love you, Raymond. I'm just very bad at showing it sometimes." She was about to walk away when he grabbed her hand.

Red replied, "I'm the same way, Lizzie. We make quite the pair don't we?" He slowly stood up and ran a hand over her face to behind her neck before he brought his lips to hers. He was immensely pleased and surprised when she answered his kiss by making it deeper. It wasn't exactly passionate but it wasn't chaste either. When he pulled back he kissed her forehead and rasped, "God. We're a mess, Lizzie."

Liz replied, "We have been since we met."

Red sighed, "Yeah. But now we have a child together." He took his cane when she handed it to him and walked to his desk. He opened a drawer and pulled out a locket. He said, "This should belong to you now, Lizzie."

Liz took the locket and the back was written in Russian but she understood one word. She gasped, "Katerina? This..was my mother's? How did you get it?"

Red rasped, "Cape May. I met your mother there when she was running from....well everyone. After you....left I wound up there...I guess I was hallucinating from the opium in my system. I met a old man with a metal detector and he found it. I paid him a few hundred dollars for it. I realized I went there to say goodbye to her....to prove that I made the right choice by saving you that night. I kept it because I...thought maybe someday I'd pass it to....Masha."

Liz asked, "What was my mother like?"

Red sighed, "A lot like you. Very stubborn and just wanted a normal life. She was very beautiful but dangerous. The only thing that was a constant for her was her love and devotion to you, Lizzie. She gave her life to allow me the time to save you."

Liz asked, "Did she die in the fire?"

Red croaked, "No. She committed suicide. She swam into the ocean one morning when I was asleep and drowned. I tried to stop her...save her...but I was too late. She told me that as much as she loved you she was death to you. I could either lose both of you or save just you. I chose you because she left me no choice.. I tried to save both of you but I...couldn't. I'm sorry." He had moved to stand and look out the window while he spoke. He was crying and ran his thumb under his eyes.

Liz placed a hand on his arm and replied, "It's all right. My mother's death was not your fault. Thank you, Raymond. For saving me. Do you want another drink?"

Red rasped, "Yeah." He hadn't told her the whole truth but what he did was the truth regardless. He took the offered glass and swallowed half of it in one gulp. He rasped, "I should go check on Masha. She probably is awake by now. Excuse me." He finished his drink and set the tumble down by the decanter. He slowly left the study to be able to grieve alone for a minute. When he got control of his emotions he continued to his bedroom where Agnes was sitting up in bed.

Agnes was scared Red had left her when she woke up and he wasn't beside her. She was so relieved when she heard his unique limp and the tap of his cane as she looked up. He was standing in the doorway and she cried, "Daddy! You're still here! I thought..."

Red came over and sat on his side of the bed and replied, "Yeah. I'm still here...Come here. It's all right. I had to have a talk with your mom." He wrapped his sobbing daughter in his arms. He ran his hand over her hair and felt her half crawl into his lap.

Agnes whined, "You're staying, aren't you, daddy?" 

Red kissed her forehead and replied, "Yes, Masha. Don't worry. I'm staying." He felt her arms wrap around his waist ad clutch at fistfuls of his shirt on his back. He felt terrible that the child was constantly worried he was going to leave but that's the way it works. When she stopped crying he asked, "Why don't we get you a bath and changed into pajamas? You'll feel better I'd imagine. Then maybe we can see if you feel like eating something."

Agnes asked, "You help me?"

Red replied, "Yeah. I'll help you. Go pick out your pajamas and I'll go get the bath ready." He watched her scoot off the bed and go toward her room before getting a pair of pajamas out for himself for later when he took a shower before bed. Then he limped to the bathroom and filled the tub and smiled when he felt a pair of small arms wrap around his back as he was leaning over the tub on his stool. He turned the water off and sat up to see her standing there with her Daisy Duck PJ's and smiled. He took them and placed them on the toilet seat with the panties she gave him and helped her get out of her clothes and in the tub. He let her do most of her own scrubbing and then chuckled as she played with her bath toys. She squirted him with her duckies so he grabbed one and squirted her back. He had her cheered up and laughing after a half hour before getting her out and dried off. He helped her into her pajamas and then cleaned up. He was waiting for the tub to drain when he felt her grab his arm.

Agnes grabbed his arm and said, "I do feel better, daddy. Thank you."

Red kissed her forehead and replied, "You're welcome, sweetheart." After the tub drained he managed to rinse out the tub before throwing the towels and clothes in the hamper with her help. He then led her to the kitchen and started making dinner while she was coloring in her coloring books. 

Liz had to smile at Red making dinner and Agnes coloring at the table. During dinner she said, "Agnes? Raymond tells me you would like to take his last name."

Agnes replied, "Yes, mommy."

Liz asked, "Why?"

Agnes hesitantly said, "I want....the kids to stop picking on me. They say I was unwanted and an accident because my parents aren't married and daddy didn't give me his name. That he's ashamed to have had me. Besides I want them to know I'm proud of who my father is. I love you, daddy."

Red replied, "I know you do. I am NOT ashamed of you. I am proud to have a lovely daughter like you. Why didn't you tell us before?"

Agnes stammered, "I was afraid too. I'm sorry."

Red replied, "You don't ever have to be afraid to tell us anything, all right?"

Agnes replied, "OK, daddy."

Liz replied, "All right. I'll see what I can do about changing it."

Agnes cried, "Thank you, mommy!" She was excited she would finally be a true Reddington. She was happy when he tucked her into bed and read her a story before turning out the light. She thought he was cute sitting in the rocker by her bed with his legs crossed at the knees, smoking a cigarette with a pair of small black rectangular glasses perched on his nose as he read Snow White. She rarely ever sees him in his glasses because he mostly just uses them for reading when he's tired and his eyes are bothering him. When she heard him start to get up she said, "You are cute in glasses, daddy."

After Red finished the story he took his glasses off, put them in his shirt pocket, and thought Agnes was asleep. He went to stand up and was surprised when she mumbled. He chuckled, "Thanks, Masha."

Agnes yawned, "You're welcome. Night, daddy."

Red limped over to her bed and leaned down to kiss her cheek. He replied, "Night, sweetheart." He grabbed his cane and left her room to go to his own. When he got there he remembered Lizzie had had Dembe take her somewhere. He picked up his pajamas and went to the bathroom for a shower. He got out of the shower and slipped landing hard on the floor with a loud crash as he tried to stop himself. He fell on his bad leg and yelped in agony as fire seared through it. He hit his head as he fell and everything went black. He woke to a pair of small hand slapping his face and opened his eyes to find Agnes starting in his eyes with tears in her own eyes. He suddenly realized he was naked and quickly covered himself with his towel for dignity's sake.

Agnes was almost asleep when she heard a crash and then Red yelp. She shot out of her room towards the sound and found him naked on the floor in the bathroom after she opened the unlocked door. She saw his head was bleeding and he wasn't moving. She started smacking his face and calling him. When he finally opened his eyes she was so relieved. She watched as he tried to cover himself. She knelt on the floor next to him and cried, "Are you all right, daddy?"

Red was about to lie and saw the glare from her and gritted his teeth and replied, "I'm in one piece but I hurt my leg pretty badly when I fell."

Agnes asked, "Anything broke?"

Red groaned, "No. I don't think so. Just my pride...Could you face the other way? I'm going to try and stand up. I'd rather not flash you again, sweetheart. Think you've seen enough for one night."

Agnes asked, "Can I help?" When he shook his head and she did as he asked and turned around while she heard him struggling to get on his feet. When he finally told her she could turn around again he was sitting on the toilet with the towel draped around his lower half. She wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her head against his shoulder.  
Red kissed her temple and said, "I'm sorry I woke you. That doesn't usually happen. I guess I'm more tired than I thought. I'll be all right in a bit. Go back to bed, Masha."

Agnes asked, "What if you fall again?"

Red replied, "I'm not planning on it. Tell you what...Go back to bed so I can get my pajamas on and I'll stop to see you before going to bed. All right?"

Agnes quietly asked, "You promise?"

Red replied, "Yeah. Promise." He watched her nod and leave shutting the door behind her. He took care of the gash on his forehead and put a couple of band aids on it. He painfully got his pajamas on before shuffling to her room to kiss her good night again. He then went out and took his night meds before going to bed. His leg was throbbing like hell but as the sleeping pill kicked it blended to the background.

Liz came home to find both Red and Agnes out cold. Red being asleep surprised her because at night he'd usually wait up until she got home. She changed into sleep shorts and a tank before sliding in her side of the bed. She kissed his cheek before laying down beside him to fall asleep. She noticed a lump on his head covered with band aids and wondered what happened.


	11. Intimacy talk

Very early the next morning Liz woke up on her side wrapped in Red's arms. She could feel his warm soft belly flush against her back and his face buried in her hair. She shifted and felt his arm reflexively tighten and shift so his hand rested possessively under her breasts. This was a new first for them because even though she would sleep on his shoulder and he would holder her then....He had never initiated the embrace before let alone was so unguardedly possessive with her. He always kept himself in check even when he slept. She felt him snuggle closer before suddenly stiffening.

Red woke with a start when he realized the position he was in with Liz. He was trying to figure out if she woke up yet and extricate himself but when she grabbed his hand and stopped him he stammered, "Sorry, Lizzie. I must have gravitated to your warmth in my sleep since you are usually in my arms."

Liz rolled over making sure he stayed where he was until she was on her back and he was half on top of her. She caressed his face and replied, "It's all right, Raymond. I feel very safe like this actually. I also like being wrapped in your arms like this."

Red gave her a cheeky grin and replied, "Oh? You do? Maybe I'll just have to pin you under me more often." With that he shifted and moved one leg between hers. He wasn't sure how far he should push it before she'll tell him to stop.

Liz smiled and replied, "Mmmhmm. Think I'd like that." She watched him start to move closer as if to kiss her but stopped. She grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him the rest of the way. She felt his tongue against her lips and she opened them. This was no chaste kiss because she could feel all his pent up passion in that one kiss. This was the most passionate kiss she had from him since the night Agnes was conceived. Granted they have only kissed on the lips two times in so many years. She felt his hand slide under her back and down to lightly squeeze her ass. 

When Red finally came up for air he was panting and leaning his forehead against hers. He suddenly realized where his hand was and moved it. He said, "Sorry. I....guess I got a little over zealous." 

Liz replied, "I don't mind. Make love to me, Raymond."

Red replied, "I'd love nothing more but I want you to think about it and make sure that is what you truly want. I am a very possessive man. If we are...intimate... you....need to understand that you will belong completely to me until I die. I will become 10x more possessive than I am now. I am also a very violent man when pushed. I will kill anyone that tries to take you away from me. The reason being that it is you. I....have never felt like this with anyone before...not even my wife. I can't hurt YOU if you are unfaithful but I will have no qualms about killing every and any lover you could have. I may not deserve you, Lizzie, but if you choose this path...I will not give you up EVER. Once we go down this path...There will be no going back." He definitely had no problem getting a hard on if the block of wood between his legs was any proof. As for sex though...He wanted to talk to his doctor to find out if his heart was strong enough for it. Last thing he needs is to have a heart attack on Liz in the middle of an orgasm...That would be very painful and awkward as hell.

Liz asked, "Why weren't you like this after Agnes..."

Red replied, "I was. Why do you think I am so possessive now? Only thing that kept me from killing Tom was that we were drunk and didn't have an actual relationship beyond friends and how I felt for you. It wasn't a conscious decision to sleep with me that night. Now we are a couple and are raising a child together. We are a family. This will be the choice you make that will be the deciding factor the rest of your life with me. The up side is I will not stop at anything to protect you. You and Agnes will want for nothing. I will always be here for you. I will make sure you are well taken care of long after I am dead and gone. I will not make the same mistake with THIS family that I made with my first one. I will devote the rest of my life to keeping you happy to the best of my ability. Never doubt how much I love you and how far I will go to keep you, Lizzie." He leaned down and firmly kissed her lips before rolling off of her onto his back.

Liz sighed, "What if I take a long time to decide?"

Red took hold of her hand and replied, "I can wait. I've waited 8 years. I'll wait forever if I have too. You are the only one I will endlessly wait for, Lizzie." He grunted when she curled up on his shoulder and slipped a hand up under his top to play with the hair on his belly.

Liz said, "I'm glad you didn't shave your head again. I like you with the length you have."

Red chuckled, "Even though it's turning gray and starting to bald in spots?"

Liz replied, "The gray adds distinction. As for the bald spots..You hide the ones in front easily with your hair and the thinning spot on the back of your head is kind of cute."  
Red chuckled, "You can make anything seem wonderful, can't you?"

Liz replied, "I'm perfectly happy with the thinning gray hair, round belly, limp, and everything else as long as I am with you. I love you and every one of your....oddities and issues." She gently shook his soft belly for emphasis.

Red just chuckled in amusement as he kissed the top of her head. He looked at the clock and sighed, "We should get up. Need to get Masha up for school and you got work."   
Liz moved and lightly kissed his lips before getting off of him. As she watched him get up she realized he was in a lot of pain. More so than usual and asked, "You all right, Raymond?"

Red turned to look at her and grunted, "Yeah. Leg's just acting up, Lizzie." He grabbed his cane and painfully stood up before putting his robe on and going to wake up Agnes. He sat on his daughter's bed and gently shook her awake. He said, "Time to get up, sweetheart. Need to get ready for school."

Agnes looked at him and could tell he was in pain. She asked, "Your leg hurts, doesn't it?"

Red sighed, "Yeah. Like hell." 

Agnes asked, "Can I help?"

Red replied, "No. I just need my pills. Now up you go." He helped her get ready for school and then went out to make breakfast. He knew he had hurt himself badly the night before because he could barely stand to put any weight on it. Usually he could move around their small kitchen holding onto the counters and cook without his cane but not today. He saw Dembe and said, "I think I'm going to have to make an appointment with the doctor."

Dembe asked, "Are you all right, Raymond? It's not your heart is it?"

Red replied, "No. I need to talk to him about a few things and look at my leg. I....fell last night after I got out of the shower. I fell on it and hit hard. I can barely walk. I just want to make sure I didn't break anything."

Dembe replied, "All right. You just let me know what time and I'll take you there."

Red replied, "Thank you, Dembe." He felt the younger man squeeze his arm briefly before going to helping by setting the table. When everything was cooked he lost his balance and almost fell. He felt strong arms grab him and hold him up before guiding him to a chair. Then he had his pills and a cup of coffee set in front of him. He went to get up to wash the dishes after Liz and Agnes were gone and Dembe stopped him.

Dembe said, "You sit and take your pills. I will finish this."

Red sighed, "I'm sorry, my friend. Today is not a good day."

Dembe replied, "You should be more careful. What if you had not been able to get up, Raymond?"

Red replied, "I guess I would have sat there until you and Lizzie came home.....Masha would have kept me company."

Dembe asked, "She was there?"

Red replied, "No...I woke her. She heard me fall and found me unconscious and naked on the bathroom floor. Not exactly the most pleasant way to find your father."

Dembe said, "She loves you very much. I doubt she cared you were naked. She was likely more concerned about your well being."

Red rasped, "Don't you think I know that? She was terrified and crying when I finally woke up. She has this unmitigated FEAR that I am going to die on her and I'm not sure how to fix it. I'm not even sure how it started."

Dembe sighed, "I believe it started the first time you passed out from too much drink in your study. She could not wake you. It took her half an hour of yelling and slapping you to finally get you to react."

Red replied, "I guess that explains why my face and chest stung so much that morning.."

Dembe replied, "Remember, Raymond...You are not young or well like you once were. Elizabeth may not realize how ill you truly are but...Agnes spends every day with you. She is a very bright girl. In 2 years she knows more about you than her mother. I know some of it you have told her yourself but I believe she knows more than most."

Red asked, "Why do you think that?"

Dembe replied, "She wishes to help care for you. I know you do not require much care now but...you may someday. I wish to teach her in case something happens to me."

Red replied, "She is a child, Dembe. She doesn't need to have taking care of me thrust on her shoulders."

Dembe sighed, "She has requested I teach her. If you will not allow me to teach her then I will have to do so with Elizabeth. It's your choice."

Red sighed, "Very well. Teach Masha. You must make sure she knows not to tell Lizzie. Those are my terms."

Dembe replied, "Very well."

Red grunted in pain as he stood and limped to his study before calling his doctor for an appointment. When he got to the doctor he got the though exam.

Dr. Banks asked, "So. Why did you need this appointment, Raymond?"

Red replied, "I fell last night getting out of the shower on my bad leg."

Dr. Banks looked at his leg and whistled. He said, "Well...You are badly bruised but there doesn't seem to be anything broken but let's get a couple ex-rays anyway to be sure."

Red was taken and ex-rayed and then wheeled back to the office. When the doctor came back he said, "I also was wondering if I am healthy enough for sex."

Dr. Banks said, "Oh? Do you have someone?"

Red replied, "Yes."

Dr. Banks replied, "That's good. Man or woman?"

Red sighed, "Woman. A Young woman. My Lizzie found me."

Dr. Banks asked, "The FBI agent that died?"

Red replied, "It turns out she didn't die after all and her child...I have a daughter."

Dr. Banks asked, "How long?"

Red replied, "We've been living together for 2 years but just recently started sharing a bed....Today she asked me to make love to her but....didn't want to ruin the mood by having a heart attack or dropping dead on her."

Dr. Banks asked, "Will you let me run more tests? To determine your physical condition?"

Red replied, "Yes. I'd like to know. I'd like to fully show Lizzie how I feel." He went through so many tests he was exhausted. He was dozing in a chair when the doctor came back in.

Dr. Banks said, "Well. Considering 10% of your heart isn't working... The other 90% is going strong. I believe the chest pains you get are from your blood pressure hitting the roof when you are angry. I would like to increase your medication to see if it helps. Also you are aware that smoking does not help nor does mixing your meds with excessive alcohol. I am aware that you like to drink 1-2 fingers of whiskey each night....While that is not good to do with some of your meds...I am more concerned about the binges you tend to have. I will also increase your anti-depressant and anxiety meds. You were a borderline alcoholic 2 years ago..Now I know why you've changed. While you are overweight it is consistent which is better than it bouncing up and down. Being constant is far healthier if even being overweight. All in all you are relatively healthy enough to have sex. Do you have any trouble getting an erection?"

Red replied, "No. Not with Lizzie. I had one this morning...."

Dr. Banks replied, "That's good because I didn't really want to give you pills if I can help it because it doesn't agree with all of your others. You are cleared for sex but I wouldn't suggest doing it more than maybe 2-3 times a week or less because of your age and you having a heart condition. Because most of your heart is still strong I have not diagnosed you with congestive heart failure yet. Just don't push yourself over your limits.."

Red replied, "Thanks." He called Dembe to pick him up and had the younger man stop at a florist where he bought a dozen red roses. Then he went to the police station and found Lizzie. He held out the vase with the roses Dembe gave him after they stood by her desk and said, "These are for you, Lizzie. Thought they might brighten up your desk."  
Liz smiled and replied, "That's very sweet, Raymond. They are beautiful. Thank you." She placed the vase on the corner of her desk. She wrapped her arms around him in a hug.  
Red pulled her closer and kissed her forehead and replied, "You're welcome, Lizzie."

Gino Sands was a new guy and he saw Liz with a middle aged man and said, "Hey. I'm Gino..Would you be Liz's father?"

Liz placed a hand on Red's belly to quiet him and replied, "No. Raymond..This is Gino. He's new. Gino this is Raymond my boyfriend."

Gino stammered, "Oh. I'm sorry. I just assumed.."

Liz sighed, "Yeah. He's twice my age and no I don't give a damn. I love him with every fiber of my being. He's my best friend and the father of my child."

Red rasped, "Lizzie.."

Liz looked at him and replied, "No. I've told you I'm not ashamed to be with you and this is the only way I can think of to prove it. To let everyone know I belong to you." She then kissed him full on the mouth in front of all her coworkers. She felt his leg start to give out and led him to a chair to sit in before he fell down.

Red sighed, "Sorry, Lizzie. Bad day today."

Liz took his hat off his head and kissed his thinning spot on the back of his head. She placed the hat back on his head and said, "Shush you. It's all right. I know you fell last night."

Red stammered, "How..? Masha..."

Liz replied, "Yes. I asked her on the way to school this morning where the gash on your head came from. I figured I'd probably be ignored or given the run around if I asked you."  
Red chuckled, "I forgot about the gash except for the headache. I guess I should let you get back to work. I'll see you tonight." He got up and kissed her lips again before leaving. He just hoped that Gino stays away from Liz because he wouldn't handle it well if the boy tried to woo her away from him. He looked at the clock and said, "I guess we should go pick up Masha."

Agnes was surprised to see Red's Mercedes pull up in front of the school. She usually took the bus home so this was unusual. She came over next to where he was leaning against the back door and asked, "Everything all right, daddy?"

Red took hold of her hand and replied, "Yeah. We were just in town so I figured we'd pick you up." He was soon engulfed in a hug around his middle and wrapped his arms around her shoulders.

Lucy Nelson saw her friend Agnes with a strange middle aged man, ran over and asked, "Who's this, Agnes?"

Agnes looked at her friend and replied, "Lucy, this is my dad..Daddy, This is Lucy. My best friend."

Lucy replied, "Nice to meet you, Mr. Milhoan."

Agnes sighed, "Reddington. Dad's name is Reddington."

Lucy gasped, "Oh. I'm sorry. I just assumed....That you would both have the same name. Is he your step-father?"

Red replied, "No I'm her natural father. As to why we have different names....It's complicated but we hope to have that fixed soon. Nice meeting you, Lucy, but we need to get home." He gracelessly got in the car and Agnes slid in beside him.

Agnes stammered, "See you later, Lucy. Sorry, Daddy."

Red let her curl up into his side and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. He kissed the top of her head and replied, "What have I told you? You have nothing to be sorry for. If that was anyone's fault it was mine. We need to make a trip to the states to change your last name. Your next school vacation I'll try and drag your mom out of work so we can go."

Agnes tightly hugged him and whispered, "Thank you. I love you so much."

Red rasped, "I know. You and your mom are everything to me." He rested his head on top of hers and felt her small hand slip under his vest to rest on the curve of his belly. He had to smile when he felt her shift his tie out of her way to slip a couple fingers between his buttons to rest on his bare skin. The first time she did that had surprised him. She was terrified from a bad dream and nothing he tried worked. He noticed soon as her skin touched his bare belly she started to calm down. So when she was calm again he asked her about and she told him she was just drawn to touch belly and it was so soothing for her. In short she found touching the bare skin of his pot belly calming. After that he started getting used to her touching him on the bare skin of his belly whether under his pajama top or through the buttons of his dress shirt. The only times she would usually need the feel of his skin is when she was scared or upset. You could call it her tell and he could read her because of it but he had never told Liz because the child wanted him to comfort her. He had stopped wearing Tee-shirts because of her need to feel his skin when she was upset. He asked, "What's bothering you, Masha?"

Agnes clutched at the hair on his belly and let go after she heard him grunt in surprise. She stammered, "I'm sorry. I...Just....I guess finding you...like that..."

Red's mind took a minute to catch up and realize she was talking about the night before. He replied, "Finding me unconscious on the floor scared you. I seem to be causing you more fear than keeping the monsters away. I'm sorry."

Agnes stammered, "I worry when you don't answer me, daddy."

Red kissed her temple and replied, "You think I'm dead when I don't answer. Why?"

Agnes nodded and stammered, "One of my friends...Domino...Mom used to let me stay there when you were out of town...We had a sleep over...Her daddy was like you...older and not well."

Red had a bad feeling he knew what was coming and he didn't like it. He rasped, "Go on."

Agnes swallowed and whispered, "We came downstairs one morning and he didn't answer her calling him. He was sitting in a chair like he had fallen asleep. Her mom came in and checked him....He had died in his sleep.....I haven't gone back there since."

Red rasped, "When was this?"

Agnes replied, "The last trip you were on.....When I found you in the study that morning.....You didn't answer....I can't lose you, daddy!"

Red held her close while she wept. He was glad he now knew what had triggered her fear of losing him. Seeing him passed out and unresponsive so soon after seeing it with her friend's father triggered the irrational fear that he was dead if he didn't respond right away. He rasped, "I am so sorry, Masha. Did you tell Lizzie?"

Agnes whispered, "No....I didn't tell her we found him. Please don't tell her I lied! You mad at me?"

Red replied, "God no. It's all right. I'm not going to tell her. I'm glad you told me. Now I understand why you react to my unresponsiveness like you do. I'll tell you a secret. If you find me like that again....try not to panic..Check and see if my belly is warm and moving up and down....That means I'm breathing. If I'm breathing I'm alive....You feel it moving?" He placed a hand over hers under his vest as he breathed in and out.

Agnes replied, "Yes, Daddy. I feel it."

Red said, "Good. You can also put your ear or hand near my mouth and nose. You'll feel the air moving as I breathe. Now if my breathing isn't calm and even like this or like it is when I'm asleep...If I seem to be having a hard time....Try and wake me. If you can't then you may have to call for help. Usually Dembe is around but if he's not...I'll teach you how to get help."

Agnes whispered, "If you stop?"

Red replied, "Breathing? That definitely would be a bad thing. I'll have Dembe teach you CPR just in case. You are young but it doesn't hurt to know it for me. I won't care about a few broken ribs if it came to that."

Agnes stammered, "I'm scared, daddy."

Red replied, "Shhh. I'm fine. I'm not going anywhere for a long time if I can help it. I...had a doctor's appointment today. He told me I'm still pretty damn healthy."

Agnes asked, "Your heart?"

Red replied, "Long as I keep taking my pills it's going strong. Here feel it." He unbuttoned his vest and moved her hand to feel his heart beat.

Agnes felt the steady thumb of his heart under her hand and put her ear over it to listen to it. She could hear him breathing as well. 

Red ran his hand over her hair and said, "I'm not going to leave you any time soon, Masha. Not if I can help it."

Agnes lifted her head to look him in the eyes and asked, "Promise?"

Red took off his sun glasses and looked in her matching hazel eyes and replied, "Promise." He was surprised by the quick peck on the lips he got before she wrapped her arms around his neck. He had watched Liz do it with her but this was the first time Agnes had kissed him like that. He had usually gotten kisses on the cheek or when she was silly his nose but this was his first chaste father/daughter lip kiss. He was happy but unsure what it meant. He'd ask Liz later. When they got home he sat in the living room with her playing Poker. He soon find out she had his shrewdness. She beat him within the first 2 hands. He asked, "How are you doing that?"

Agnes hesitantly replied, "Your....tells?"

Red replied, "Tells?"

Agnes replied, "Your left eye twitches when you are upset or angry.....It does so when you are lying too. The left corner of your mouth twitches when you are nervous or embarrassed."

Red chuckled, "Wow. My six year old has learned to read my ticks. Does Lizzie know them as well?"

Agnes replied, "I don't think so."

Red asked, "How did you...?"

Agnes replied, "You don't hide from me. You hide from mommy. You are scared of mommy."

Red rasped, "Yeah."

Agnes asked, "Why are you afraid of mommy?"

Red replied, "I'm...not afraid of her. I'm afraid of the day she doesn't want me around anymore. I'm afraid of being rejected..."

Agnes replied, "Mommy loves you. Why would she not want you, daddy?"

Red lit a cigarette and took a drag on it. He didn't plan on getting into this discussion but now that he did...He sighed, "I'm OLD, Masha. Christ, I'm old enough to be her father and your grandfather. I'm crippled, tired and unwell. Your mom is young, vibrant, full of energy, and deserves better than me. The odds are that someday she WILL tire of me. My only hope is that when that day comes....She will not take you away from me. That she will allow me to remain a part of your life. That she will not.....forbid me from ever seeing you again. It would destroy me to lose both of you."

Agnes asked, "Why would mommy not let you see me?"

Red took another drag on the cigarette and blew out the smoke as he sighed, "I'm....not a good man...If Lizzie left me than she might not want you to be associated with me either. I'm afraid you won't really understand why until you are older."

Agnes asked, "Why you not hide from me?"

Red sighed, "I never noticed I was open with you like that. I opened up more recently to you because I....didn't want you to be so scared of loosing me. Since the beginning I wanted you to feel you could trust me to love you, care for you, and protect you. I know it's silly but in trying to help you feel that trust I guess maybe that's why I unintentionally was more open with you. I don't regret it..I want you to know that. I just didn't notice. Very few people know the real me. If I have been open with you about my feelings then I am....comfortable in your presence and trust you more than I ever have anyone else. Enough about me."

Agnes said, "I have learned to read when you are deflecting? I believe that is the word mommy uses."

Red asked, "Do you even know what that means?"

Agnes replied, "You are trying to umm....change the subject to avoid talking about things that make you uncomfortable."

Red sighed, "All right. You're right. I don't want to talk about it anymore right now. Well enough about my insecurities. Why don't we get back to poker?"

Agnes replied, "OK...But you will tell me someday what you mean about being bad?"

Red replied, "Yes. Someday but not today. It doesn't matter right now. All you need to know is that...you are my world, Masha."

Agnes walked over to his chair and hugged him. She replied, "I love you too, daddy." She was so happy when he read her a story before bed and she got to see his reading glasses slide down the bridge of his nose as he read. She was soothed by his gravelly voice and his warmth from him sitting up next to her in her bed as he read to her. 

Red looked down and realized she was asleep so he placed the book on her nightstand before slowly standing up. He leaned over and kissed her temple before turning out the light and limping out of the room. He looked at his watch and realized Liz was late. He took his bedtime pills, changed and was reading when he nodded off.

Liz came in their bedroom to smile at the picture she saw. Red was propped against the headboard with pillows, had a book face down open on his round belly, and his reading glasses perched on the bridge of his nose where they had slid as his head fell forward to rest on his chest. She went to his side of the bed, took the book and marked the page before placing it on the night stand with his glasses. She gently shook him and said, "Raymond? Wake up. You're going to be sore if you sleep all night like that."

Red jerked awake by the hand shaking him and looked over to see Liz. He mumbled, "Kay." He let her coax him down to lay down before he felt her get off the bed. He was nodding off again when he felt her side dip as she got in. He rolled to his side and wrapped his arm around her as he spooned up behind her. He kissed the back of her head and mumbled, "Night, Lizzie."

Liz entwined her fingers with his and replied, "Night, Raymond." She felt his breathing even out against her back as he fell back to sleep. She knew he was barely awake because of his sleeping pill. She was heartened that he trusted her enough to basically be comatose in her presence by taking the sleeping pill. That means a lot to her that he trusts her that much that he knows she won't try to kill him in his sleep like many others probably would. She nodded off with a smile on her face.


	12. Family Man

The next morning Liz woke to Red mumbling her name and shifting around. At first she though he was trying to get her attention but when his embrace tightened and he got more agitated she realized he was dreaming. She rolled in his arms to face him and saw the pained expression, rapidly moving eyes and tears on his cheeks as he cried in his sleep. She placed her hand gently on his cheek and said, "Raymond...It's all right. I'm right here. Wake up for me.." She saw his eyes snap open as he gasped. She saw the sorrow and confusion in his eyes before he was completely awake.

Red woke suddenly to a pair of beautiful blue eyes that confused him. As he woke up he realized he had been dreaming. He felt her wipe the tears from his cheeks and gasped, "Lizzie?"

Liz kissed his lips and replied, "Yes. I'm right here, Raymond. What happened?"

Red sighed in relief as he then knew he was dreaming before. He rasped, "I was back a long time ago."

Liz asked, "Solomon?"

Red swallowed and replied, "Yes. The day Agnes was born....The worst day of my life. Not because of her but because you..."

Liz replied, "It's all right. I know. How often do you have that dream?"

Red rasped, "Before you got here? That dream was the reason they gave me the sleeping pills. After....Not often but once in a while." He went to roll on his back but Liz held him tightly so he distracted himself by running his fingers through her hair.

Liz said, "I'm sorry. I never thought...my death would damage you so much."

Red sighed, "You are my north star, Lizzie. You were the only thing keeping me together. Then I wasn't even allowed to be a part of Agnes' life....It destroyed me. I had no one to protect. No reason to live anymore. I pulled myself back together long enough to kill everyone involved with ...it. After I got hurt I was sure I was going to die...but Dembe and Kate had other plans."

Liz replied, "I'm glad they made you get well again. I loved you even then...Even when I was afraid of your.....self destructive nature. I would have been heartbroken if you had gotten yourself killed."

Red replied, "It's all right...You're here now. That's all that matters." He kissed her firmly on the lips and carded his fingers through her hair as she deepened the kiss. He felt her hand wander under his top and rub his back as she scooted closer. He could feel her warmth as she became flush with his body. He unconsciously whined when she pulled back from the kiss but let her go before watching her get up and go to take a shower. He looked at the time and realized she was running late for work. He scrubbed a hand over his face and sat up to go wake Agnes and start breakfast. After breakfast he hugged his daughter and kissed Liz goodbye as they ran out the door. He spent most of his day in his study researching how to change Agnes' last name without marrying Lizzie. He was able to petition the change with a DNA test to prove she is biologically his and accept responsibility as her father. The other choice was to marry Liz and adopt the child. He wasn't about to ask Liz to marry him...Not with all of his baggage and medical problems .....It's not fair to saddle her with him for the rest of her life. He wanted her to stay of her own free will...Not because he was her ball and chain.

Agnes came home from school and found Dembe in the living room. She asked, "Dembe? Where's daddy?"

Dembe replied, "He's in his study, Agnes. He should be out soon. Would you like me to help you with your homework?"

Agnes sighed, "Guess so." She sat on the floor next to the coffee table and worked on her homework while she waited for Red. She looked at the clock and said, "Is daddy all right? He's been in his study a long time."

Dembe checked the clock and realized Agnes had been home 3 hours and red hadn't come out yet. He found his friend still at his computer and said, "Raymond? Agnes is worried about you."

Red asked, "Oh? When did she get home?"

Dembe replied, "Three hours ago." He saw the slight jerk in his friend's posture before getting an answer.

Red sighed, "Yes. I can see why she would be worried. Thank you, Dembe. I've been busy. I'll be right out." He shut down his computer and limped out to the living room where his waist was immediately wrapped in a pair of tiny arms and a head resting on his belly. He ran his free hand over her hair and said, "I'm fine, Masha. I just lost track of time."

Agnes said, "I was worried, daddy."

Red replied, "I know. I'm sorry." He coaxed her to the sofa where he heavily sat down and let her curl up against his side. He propped his cane against the end table where his ashtray was sitting. He had to make dinner but first he needed to let Agnes calm down. He tipped sideways a bit and pulled out his cigarettes and lighter. He had one between his lips and was about to light it when he felt a small hand on the wrist of the hand his lighter was in. He looked at her pleading eyes and sighed, "All right. I can wait a while." He took the cigarette and put it back in the pack setting both it and the lighter on the table. She had never stopped him from smoking before and like everything else she did there had to be a reason. He would just wait until she was ready to tell him.

Agnes was glad he wore his vest unbuttoned without a tie. She slipped two fingers between his shirt buttons on his belly. When he went to light a cigarette she stopped him. She could tell he wanted to know why she did it but she wasn't ready to talk about it. She was grateful when he let it go for the time being. She whispered, "Thank you."

After Agnes had calmed down he asked, "What's bothering you, Masha?"

Agnes replied, "Lucy's daddy...He's really ill. Lucy said it was caused by him...smoking."

Red sighed, "I'm sorry about your friend's father but..I'm not going to stop smoking.."

Agnes whispered, "I don't want you to get ill like...."

Red sighed, "I'll try to cut back to just my cigars. It's one of the few things I enjoy and I'm not going to give them up."

Agnes asked, "How many?"

Red replied, "When I met your mom...I used to smoke 1 cigar a day when I had the time. Granted there were times when I went days without one. Hell today I didn't even smoke except after breakfast. I got distracted." So with that he quit smoking cigarettes as soon as the carton he had was gone...He went back to one cigar a day. Usually in the evening or late afternoon. Amazing how much Agnes had him wrapped around her finger but he knew she was a daddy's girl. He had bonded with her so well that he knew he'd do anything for her. She was his little girl and NOTHING would change that. He started doing projects to try and distract him from wanting a cigarette. He built her swings, a slide and play area in their backyard. He bought and refurbished music and trinket boxes while he was home alone. He usually gave the music and trinket boxes to Agnes. After all he did give the first music box he ever refurbished to Lizzie. 

Agnes was surprised when she came home and was sent outside by Dembe to find her father. She couldn't believe he had built her a play area inside a white picket fence in their backyard. He was sitting on a swing in his 3 piece suit minus the tie and jacket. She giggled because he was dirty but had the ever present fedora and sunglasses. She went over and sat on the swing next to him and said, "What's all this for, daddy?"

Red smiled at her and shrugged. He said, "You're my little girl. Happy birthday! Besides I needed to do something to keep me busy so why not this?" He waved his hand to signify the play area. He could see the joy on her face as she played and was very glad he did this for her even if he was exhausted and his chest hurt a bit. He was satisfied that she was happy. He spent a lot of time sitting on the swings with her watching her swing higher and higher and laughing when she was home. 

Liz walked into the backyard and was amazed at how it had been turned into a playground. She noticed Dembe at her side and asked, "Who did all of this?"

Dembe replied, "Raymond. He worked for days with very little help from me and Baz until he was finished. It is a present to Agnes for her birthday."

Liz replied, "He did all this? Amazing."

Dembe replied, "One thing I think you should know..Raymond may be many things but he will do anything to protect the ones he loves even leave them and give them whole new lives. He will do anything for them to be happy no matter what it may cost him. He forgave you because he loves you more than anything in the world. You and Agnes are special to him. If he lost everyone you and her would be the last two standing because he would surrender himself if that meant you would go free. Also I may be quite fond of you but do not ever hurt him by faking your death again. I will find you and you will pay for it. Oh I will not kill you because HE would not wish it. That man's love for you is what has kept you alive...Everyone else that has betrayed him has paid with their lives. Do NOT ever doubt his love for the two of you."

Liz replied, "I don't ever plan on faking my death again. All it did was cause us both pain an nearly killed him. I understand how deeply he loves me. I love him too much to cause him that pain again now that I know how much I hurt him. I never thought he truly loved me because he would show he cared one minute and then hurt me the next. I had no idea how far deep his feeling ran for me. He was a contradiction, Dembe."

Dembe replied, "I hope you also understand if you ever take Agnes from him...It would devastate him even more than loosing you. If you ever leave....I would suggest you to be prepared for the result, Elizabeth. He may leave quietly as he gave his word he would but it would devastate both him and the child. He is her father and always will be even if you take her away. Even if he was angry with you...He would come for her...He would be there for her because she is his little girl."

Liz sighed, "I know. I don't understand the bond that has formed between them but I have no doubt he would do everything he can to protect her even if it meant letting me die. I am well aware that in the end I'd have to let him see her even if it was just for her sake. He is the center of her world. I don't plan on ever having to leave but if it ever did happen....I wouldn't keep her away from him...Not on the long term."

Dembe replied, "Thank you for understanding, Elizabeth."

Liz replied, "You're welcome, Dembe. I know you are like his son. You are the only person associated with him that he would go to hell and back to find. I knew when you went missing that whoever was responsible would pay for their folly."

Dembe replied, "Raymond...Found me when I was 14 years old. I was a child slave of the Mombasa Cartel. He took me, loved me, cared for me, sent me to school, and is the closest thing I have had to a father since I was 6. I will not desert him because he IS my father, Elizabeth. The only one that truly matters. I will be by his side until he takes his last breathe and then I will be by yours because that is his wish."

Liz sighed, "You don't have to stay with us."

Dembe replied, "Yes I do."

Liz sighed, "We can worry about that later. Think I going to break up the play time."

Red was chuckling at Agnes' antic when he looked up and yelled, "Lizzie! You're home so soon?"

Liz sighed, "It's 7 in the evening, Raymond."

Red looked at her, his watch and replied, "Oh. Sorry. Guess it is. Lost track of time. I guess I should go make dinner."

Liz replied, "No need. I picked up Thai after calling home. Dembe told me you were out here with Agnes having fun so I told him not to bother you."

Red chuckled, "Well thank you, Lizzie. It's nice to not have to cook once in a while. Come on, Masha..We are going to introduce you to something new tonight." He pushed off the swing and limped to the house with Agnes hanging on his arm. He went and got cleaned up as well as changed out of his dirt clothes. He smiled as she moved her chair close to his after he sat down before getting in it. He pulled everything out and told her what they were as he opened the cartons. He put a little of each on her plate for her to try. He took some of the ones he usually ate and gave Agnes more of what she found she liked. 

Agnes wasn't sure about this weird food but since daddy ate it she gave it a try. Some she couldn't eat but she found two that she liked so he gave her more. When dinner was finished she placed her hand on his and was graced with a smile. She got up and followed him to the living room where they sat on the sofa. She let him light his cigar before curling into his side. She slipped her fingers between the buttons on his top and said, "Thank you for my birthday present, daddy."

Red chuckled, "You're welcome. I thought you could use a play area that was safer than the beach. That and you have more things to do. I'm sorry I'm not a very good playmate."  
Agnes replied, "I'm happy the way we are, daddy. You teach me games and other stuff you can."

Red sighed, "Yeah....But it's a shame you don't have a sister or brother to play with you...Even your friends from school. I could thrown you a hell of a birthday party, Masha."

Agnes replied, "My birthday is nothing without you, daddy."

Red replied, "I would have been here watching you and the rugrats."

Agnes replied, "But it wouldn't be just us. A party is nice but I want to spend my birthday with you."

Red took a couple puffs on the cigar and blew the smoke out before he replied, "You'd rather spend your birthday with a miserable, crippled old man than your friends? Whatever for?"

Agnes sat up and looked in his eyes as he turned his head to look at her. She said, "Because that miserable, crippled, old man is MY daddy and I love him more than anything in the world." She then lightly kissed his lips and hugged him around the neck. She swung her one leg over so she was straddling his legs and could hug him better. 

Red put his cigar down in the ashtray and waited for her to settle on his lap before wrapping both arms around her back. He could feel tears in his eyes and hated himself for it. When she pulled back and sat on his thighs he felt her gently wipe his tears off his cheeks. He rasped, "By only wanting me around, Masha.....You are isolating yourself from the world. Some will see that as wrong and blame me for that. It....will impact your life someday. You should spend more time away from me with your friends."

Agnes whispered, "You don't want me here?"

Red pulled her into another hug and rasped, "God. No. It's not that I don't want you here, sweetheart. You are my little girl. That won't EVER change. I was just suggesting you get out more. You don't have to spend every minute with me that you are not in school. I'll be here when you come home."

Agnes whispered, "I want to spend as much time as I can with you. Please, daddy. I can't lose you like my friends lost their daddy's...."

Red asked, "Is that what this is about? You are afraid I am going to die and you will have missed out on spending time with me because you were out with your friends?"

Agnes whined, "Please, daddy! Don't push me away..." She started to cry and held onto him tighter. 

Red replied, "It's all right...Shhh. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to push you away. I will NEVER push you away. You are ALWAYS welcome to spend as much time with me as you want. I will NEVER turn you away, Masha." He knew now why she was so glued to his side and there wasn't a damn thing he could do to change her mind.... not for the time being anyway. He just let her cry on his shoulder while he ran his hand up and down her back. He felt one of her hands unbutton one of the buttons over his belly and slip in to rest against his skin and her fingers grasp the hair there. He kissed her temple and tried to sooth her until she finally started to calm down. He sometimes wondered why she loved him...He kept hurting her by trying to help her.

Agnes cried herself out and wouldn't move off of his lap even when she was all cried out. Eventually she sat back again and looked at him. She suddenly realized by the sadness in his eyes she had hurt him. She stammered, "I'm sorry, daddy."

Red gently placed his palm against her cheek and asked, "What for?"

Agnes replied, "I hurt you...I thought you were..."

Red sighed, "Rejecting you? It's all right. I'm used to having my character shot to hell. I just need you to understand....As long as I am living..I will NEVER reject you. No matter what. You are MY flesh and blood. In MY heart that means more than a few hurt feelings. All you'd ever have to do is send me a message that only I would understand and I WILL be there. Even if we haven't spoken in years. I LOVE you and that will NEVER change, Masha."

Agnes replied, "Thank you, daddy. I love you too." She lightly kissed his lips before putting her head back on his shoulder.

Red said, "As much as I am enjoying this new found closeness...Would you mind getting off my lap now? I'm afraid my bad leg is throbbing like hell from the added weight."  
Agnes replied, "Oh. Sorry.. Yes, daddy." She moved back to sit at his side while she watched him relight his cigar. She curled back into his side while he smoked and absently played with the hair on his soft belly under is shirt.

Red asked, "Would you like to play a game? cards?"

Agnes replied, "Tell me a story?"

Red laughed, "Good god. Why? I thought I had talked to much."

Agnes curled into his shoulder and replied, "I find your gravel like rumble soothing. I like your voice."

Red replied, "Really? I'm glad you are comforted by the sound of my voice." He then proceeded to tell her one of his many funny stories from his life on the run over the years. He realized she was falling asleep and coaxed her to go to bed. He stayed with her until she fell asleep before taking his pills, going to his room and sitting in the rocker by the window.

Liz walked in the bedroom and saw Red sitting in the rocker by the window and placed a hand on his shoulder. She noticed him wiping tears away and asked, "What bothering you, Raymond?"

Red sighed, "Nothing...Everything..Masha...She just wants me...She doesn't want friends here for a party or....sleepover...because it will take time away from her that she only wants to spend with me.."

Liz replied, "That's not really healthy but she's young yet. Give her the time and she may out grow her desire to stay by your side like she does now."

Red rasped, "You know she finds my voice soothing? My raspy, gravel like rumble is soothing to her. The voice that has been damaged by too many cigarettes and too much whiskey over the years. She actually LIKES my voice as damaged as it is now."

Liz replied, "She loves you. It's only natural for her to find your voice soothing. Just like it's only natural for her to find your gentleness with her comforting. You probably don't realize this but she thinks of you as her giant teddy bear because you are soft and fuzzy. You are the only one that makes her feel safe when she is wrapped in your arms."

Red asked, "What about you?"

Liz sighed, "I'm just mommy. She loves me but I can't protect her like you can. I can't chase the bad dreams away. I'm not a soft fluffy teddy bear that holds her until she falls asleep. She feels SAFE with you, Raymond. As much as that hurts to admit...I am glad she feels safe with you..She needs to feel safe with someone and it may as well be her father. I also know you will do everything you can to keep her that way."

Red sighed, "Yeah. I will always protect her until my dying breath whether it is chasing away nightmares or killing someone who wants to harm her."

Liz replied, "I know you will. That's one reason I am not fighting your closeness. I want her to have someone she can trust that will love her and protect her like I can't. Come to bed, Raymond."

Red was getting groggy anyway so he sighed, "All right, Lizzie." He stood up and stumbled as Liz caught him before he fell.

Liz asked, "Raymond?"

Red groggily replied, "Pills kicked in. Think I need help." With her help he managed to plop down on the bed and not the floor. He managed to lay down and felt Liz cover him with the blanket before sliding in beside him.

Liz had been surprised at how powerful that sleeping pill was that he took at night. She caressed his cheek and asked, "You all right?"

Red leaned into her touch before rolling to his side a loosely throwing his arm over her waist. He mumbled, "Yeah. Sorry...Pill.." He felt a kiss to his forehead before he finally gave into the pill and went to sleep.

Liz watched Red sleep and knew if anyone had ever told her she would fall in love with Raymond Reddington of all people and have a child with him she would have told them they were crazy. She studied his features and although he wasn't customarily handsome he was still quite attractive even in middle age. She wondered what he looked like when he was her age and if he wore the 3 piece suits back then. She had a flash of memory from the fire of her father struggling with the man she assumed was Red because of the fedora on the man's head. Although she had to admit he was damn sexy in those suits. She had determined his hair was probably dark blonde based on his graying hair now. She kissed his nose, pulled close to him and joined him in sleep.


	13. Heart to Heart

Red slowly woke the next morning until the bed was bouncing and then he yelped in pain as the bouncing jarred his bad leg. He opened his eyes as there was a flop beside him and he realized it was Agnes. He grumbled, "Please don't do that again, Masha."

Agnes replied, "Sorry, daddy. I didn't mean to hurt you."

Red replied, "It's all right. Why were you jumping on the bed anyway?"

Agnes replied, "Mommy said to wake you..She didn't want me to be on my own..says I'm too full of energy and will get in trouble."

Red grumbled, "Let me guess I was so out of it you couldn't wake me so you jumped on the bed?"

Agnes blushed and mumbled, "Sorry..It seemed like a good idea at the time."

Red yawned, "Course it would." He painfully sat up and got his bad leg off the bed before swinging around to sit on the edge of the bed. He reached for his cane and painfully stood up to slowly make his way to the bathroom. He watched Agnes start to follow him and he held up his hand to signify she should stay in his room. When he came back in the room she was pouting on his bed and he felt bad but he had to set some boundaries with her. If he didn't she would inadvertently hurt him constantly. 

Agnes watched him get clothes to get dressed and stammered, "I'm sorry, daddy."

Red sat on the bed next to her and pulled her into a hug. He replied, "I know you didn't mean to hurt me. I'm sorry I'm a sickly old man. It's all right. You just need to be more careful. My right leg is....constantly hurting but when it gets jarred it makes it worse. It is badly damaged. I just need you to keep in mind that I'm not...like you. I have a lot of pain every day. Certain....things can cause me more pain than what I normally deal with day to day. Can you try to remember that?"

Agnes replied, "OK, daddy. I'm sorry."

Red kissed her forehead and replied, "It's all right. I'm not mad. I just hurt like hell in the morning and this morning's romper room bed bounce made it worse."

Agnes asked, "Can I do anything?"

Red replied, "No. I just need to take my pills and the pain will dull to a tolerable level again."

Agnes begged, "Please let me help..."

Red sighed, "Why are you in such a hurry to take care of me? You should be playing and having sleepovers...Not doting on a sickly old man."

Agnes replied, "You are my daddy. I love you and want to take care of you. Don't....you want me too?"

Red replied, "I never expected you to take care of me, Masha. Certainly not at 6 years old. You're just a child. I can't expect you to shoulder that responsibility."

Agnes firmly replied, "I WANT to take care of you. I'm going too and you will just have to accept it. I'm not giving you a choice, daddy." She decided that the only way to get him to stop fighting was to not give him a choice. She just hoped he didn't hit her for her insolence.

Red was flabbergasted that his daughter just told him off. He should probably put her in his place but he was too stunned. Anyone else he would have ripped apart for talking back to him like that but....He couldn't find it in him to discipline her. She was his daughter all right...She had his balls and stubbornness. He held his hands up in surrender and replied, "All right. Have it your way. I'm not going to fight MY child. You are just as stubborn and headstrong as I am. I'm afraid you are too much like me. No one else would ever have the balls to say something like that to me. I will warn you though..You step too far out of line and I will not hesitate to make sure you know it. I will not allow you to become a brat. Is that understood, young lady?"

Agnes replied, "Yes, daddy."

Red sighed, "Now I think we better get you some breakfast." He painfully limped to the kitchen while leaning heavily on his cane. He started breakfast and made a cup of coffee before pulling out his pill box out of the top left hand cupboard and dumped the morning pills for the day in a pill cup. He kept them on the top shelf so Agnes wouldn't get a hold of them without his knowledge. He knew quite well his heart meds could kill her if she swallowed them. Digitalis may keep his heart ticking but it would shut her's down because she has a perfectly healthy heart. He felt a tug on his hand and looked down to see Agnes standing next to him.

Agnes asked, "Teach me?" She knew her father's pills were important and wanted to know why.

Red said, "If I teach you...Do you promise NEVER to touch the pills in the box? And then only the box if I ask you to get it for me?"

Agnes replied, "Yes. I promise."

Red replied, "OK. Don't touch these. I'll teach you after we eat before I take them."

Agnes jumped and replied, "Thank you, daddy!"True to her word she didn't touch the pills in the cup sitting next to his plate on the table. She waited patiently for him to show her each one and told her what it was for in terms she understood.

As Red took each pill he told her what they were for and why they were important. He did it as simply as possible so she would understand. When he was done he sighed, "Now you know almost as much about my medical conditions as Dembe. I'm not a well man, Masha."

Agnes said, "You seem fine."

Red replied, "I've gotten very good at....hiding how ill I am because...my world will eat the weak and spit out the bones. It's bad enough my bad leg and hip are unavoidably noticeable. There is no way to hide it but anything....not seen can be hidden from those that would harm me if they knew how...ill I truly am. I need you to promise you won't talk to anyone about what you've learned except Dembe...Not even you mom..Do you understand?"

Agnes replied, "I don't understand why mommy can't know but I promise not to tell...as long as not telling doesn't kill you."

Red groaned, "Masha..."

Agnes replied, "No. You need some of these pills or you will die. I will NOT watch you die in front of me when I can save you by telling, daddy!"

Red sighed, "What if telling them gets me killed?"

Agnes replied, "I still would tell. If there is any chance to save your life...I will do it in a heartbeat."

Red sighed, "Very well. Just so you understand you may very well cause my death if you tell the wrong person about my ailments." He admired her desire to protect him but knew she very well may get him killed in the process. When his pills started to kick in he cleaned up from breakfast and herded Agnes outside to play while he sat on the porch watching her. After a while he moved to the swings and Agnes joined him. he was swinging higher and higher laughing. He just slowly swung back and forth on his own and smiled sadly. He never imagined he'd ever have a second chance at a family so late in life but he was grateful for both Agnes and Lizzie being a part of his life. He missed Carla and Jenny but knew it probably would have ended in divorce eventually because he wasn't a good match for her. Then they would have caused Jenny distress shipping her back and forth. Then there was Katerina and his love for her. 

Agnes may be only 6 but she had gotten very good at noticing her father's moods. For example he was rocking back and forth on the swing next to her and had a sad smile on his face. She asked, "Why are you sad, daddy?"

Red sighed, "I'm sorry. I was lost in the past."

Agnes asked, "Your first family?"

Red asked, "What do you know about them?"

Agnes shrugged and replied, "Mommy told me you had lost your wife and your other daughter years ago. That you miss them. She didn't tell me much except it makes you sad when you think about them."

Red sighed, "Maybe someday I'll tell you a story about them...but not now."

Agnes asked, "Are you OK?"

Red placed a hand on her thigh and replied, "Yeah. I'll be all right. It's about lunch time. How about we go inside for a while and I'll make us something to eat?" He stood and slowly walked to the porch with Agnes in tow. He knew she wouldn't let him out of her sight. He made them Tuna sandwiches and soup before taking his afternoon pills. After that they played Poker for most of the afternoon. Then he let her color at the kitchen table while he made dinner. 

When Liz got home she found Agnes at the kitchen table and Red cooking some Italian dish that smelled wonderful. She came in and wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head on his shoulder. She sighed, "I missed you."

Red was surprised by the show of affection from Liz but replied, "I missed you too, Lizzie. How was your day?"

Liz sighed, "Oh nowhere near as exciting as working at the Post Office." She placed her hand flat against Red's rounded belly for a minute before moving around in front of him. She stood on her toes and kissed his lips and cheek before pulling away to hug her daughter.

Red was still getting used to her actually kissing and hugging him in front of Agnes. It wasn't that he didn't like it because he did but until she moved in with him she hugged him maybe half a dozen times and kissed his cheek once in the years they worked on the blacklist together. She recently just started actually kissing him..He was happy with what they had together. He wouldn't deny he'd like more but he was content for the first time in over 35 years. He had a woman that loved him and a daughter that adored him even if he thought they were a bit nuts because of it.

Liz thought Red was cutest when he had that stunned look on his face after she does something that surprises him. She asked, "So what did you two do today?"

Agnes replied, "I played in the yard while daddy got lost in thought. Then we came in and played Poker."

Liz sighed, "You taught OUR daughter Poker?"

Red replied, "Yeah. So? I didn't teach her strip Poker. Besides she watches Dembe and I play it and asked to learn so I taught her. She's a card shark. She beat both of us out of 20 bucks."

Liz groaned, "Not only are you teaching her how to be a card shark...Now you are teaching her how to gamble? Raymond..."

Red sighed, "You knew a few tricks by her age...Don't deny it. I know what Sam taught you. We were friends after all. He used to send me letters, pictures and updates on how you were doing."

Liz groaned, "Are you sure you're not MY father? You sure act like you are at times."

Red rasped, "Yes, Lizzie..I promise you...That is one thing I am sure of in my life. You are NOT my flesh and blood. Besides it would be very awkward if I was now."

Liz replied, "Really, Raymond? I wonder why?"

Red replied, "We have a daughter together? We are a couple? I don't feel FATHERLY feelings for you? Well....Not all the time."

Liz groaned, "One of these days you are going to drive me over the edge."

Red placed a hand against her cheek and kissed her before replying, "I love you, Lizzie. I guess in a way the daddy daughter thing is true because you are at times LIKE a daughter to me because of our age difference but that is all it is. There are times you remind me of...Jenny..but I give you my word you are not related to me and if you were I would never have slept with you nor allowed the relationship we have now to start or continue. I would NEVER do that to MY child."

Liz suddenly remembered their daughter was there listening to their conversation. She replied, "Good because I love you too and ....Even though I'd be angry....I don't think I'd want to give you up even if we were. It's too late to go back anyway."

Red kissed her forehead and replied, "I know, Lizzie. I know. I feel the same way. You and Masha are my life." He had so many secrets he kept from Lizzie including the first 4 years of her life, her father and why he didn't want her to know the truth about who he really was to her. It would damage their relationship at best....Destroy it at worst and he was not willing to lose his family again.

Liz knew there was something he was hiding but wasn't sure what it was exactly. His wording when he said he wasn't her father was very specific and she wondered why. She let it go hoping that if she didn't push too hard that he'd tell her on his own. After dinner she was sitting at the kitchen table working on a profile while Agnes played with her dolls and Red was in his study yelling on the phone. She heard him call for Dembe and waited until the younger man had left to go check on Red. She found him standing by the window leaning heavily on his cane with a glass of scotch sitting on the piano. Reminded her eerily of the day she first got here. She asked, "Is everything all right, Raymond?"

Red turned to look at Liz and replied, "I have to go away for a few days. One of my associates brokered a deal but the other party won't complete it without me being there. They won't accept Dembe as my liaison so I have to go myself."

Liz asked, "When do you leave?" She didn't like that he was still involved in the criminal world but what choice did he really have? He was forced into the life he led now but she appreciated that he had been trying to not be at the center of it all so he could be home for Agnes.

Red sighed, "First thing in the morning. I'm going to Brazil. Hopefully I'll be home in 2-3 days. I'm sorry, Lizzie. I can't refuse to go if I am to be respected. Some people won't do business with anyone but me..I.."

Liz walked over and kissed him on the lips and wrapped her arms around his back before resting her head on his chest to listen to his heartbeat. She said, "It's all right, Raymond. I know you avoid going away as much as you can. Just promise me you'll do your best to come home in one piece. Just because you are old enough to be my father doesn't mean I'm in any hurry to bury you."

Red chuckled, "I'm not in any hurry to leave you or Masha either. I'd better go start packing."

Liz sighed, "You better make sure you are available to put Agnes to bed. She'll be inconsolable while you are gone."

Red sighed, "I know. Let me pack and I'll be out to tell her." He packed his clothes but waited until morning for his pill box. He went to the living room and got Agnes to sit with him on the couch before telling her he was going away. Just as expected she started crying and tightly clutching his shirt. He felt two small fingers slip inside he shirt and just held her until she was sobbed out. When it was bedtime he read her favorite fairy tale to her. By time he took his night pills, changed and fell into bed he was emotionally burnt out. Liz was sitting up reading so he rolled on his side and rested his head on her lap while he placed one hand on her thigh. 

Liz placed her book aside and carded her fingers through his hair. She smiled and teased, "You're getting bold. You usually wait for me to make a move first. What changed?"

Red replied, "You. I used to hold back because you were hesitant about touching me and I figured my touch wasn't welcome. Now you are always touching me so I got bolder as you put it. Is this all right?"

Liz replied, "Yes. I was just curious. I like you taking the initiative. I was so hesitant because after I faked my death and came back in your life...Everything changed. Before you always were touching me in some way...After you barely ever touched me. I wasn't sure what you would accept."

Red replied, "I was angry with you and hurt. I was.... unsure what you wanted from me or even why after 4 years you suddenly decided you wanted me back in your life. My feelings or desire for you never changed. I crave touch, Lizzie. I'm a very tactile man. That is why I used to touch you all the time. I need your affectionate touches but I was afraid of pushing you away by reaching out myself. The more you touch me the more I feel like my touches are welcome."

Liz replied, "You silly old man. The only time I won't welcome your touch is when I am angry with you. I think you can tell when I'm angry."

Red replied, "Yeah. You usually tell me I'm a monster and that I should go to hell."

Liz said, "I really like your hair longer like it is now. I like being able to run my fingers through it. It's really very silly and soft."

Red snorted, "And quite gray."

Liz replied, "Well. I like the gray mixed with the dark blonde. Looks distinguished."

Red replied, "If you say so. I like it when you do that, Lizzie. Feels nice."

Liz chuckled, "The big bad Raymond Reddington likes getting his hair played with and cuddling."

Red replied, "Why do you think I practically shaved it off? To distracting when a beautiful woman plays with my hair. Besides after a while I only wanted you to...play with my hair."

Liz replied, "Well..I had better be the only one now or I might be a bit jealous."

Red rasped, "Oh, Lizzie. You have been the only one for a long time." When she scooted to lay down next him he kissed her and let her set the pace. After a few minutes he realized she was crying. He pulled her close to him and held her. He asked, "What the matter, Lizzie?"

Liz buried her head against his chest trying to memorize his scent and whispered, "I'm scared, Raymond."

Red ran his fingers through her hair and asked, "scared of what? You are safe here with Baz and his men while I am gone."

Liz whispered, "I'm scared I going to lose you. You're not young anymore..What if something happens and you are too slow..."

Red replied, "That's why I'm taking Dembe. He will do everything he can to make sure I get out of there. My gait and walk may be slower but I assure you my ability with a gun is just as fast as it was when I saved your life as a child, Lizzie. Besides I'm not going to give up without a fight. Not now that I have you and Masha. I have a family that's worth fighting for."

Liz replied, "I'm sorry. I just can't help worry about you being out there without me to save your ass."

Red asked, "That's all you want? My ass? I thought you might want to save something a little more useful." He chuckled when she slapped his side in annoyance.

Liz replied, "You know damn well what I mean, Raymond."

Red replied, "I know. I appreciate the concern but I'll be fine. It's a simple commodities deal." He yawned and feel himself starting to be pulled under by the sleeping pill. He nuzzled his nose to rest against her shoulder and hair on the pillow they were currently sharing. He loved her smell and it eased him off to sleep. He heard her crying and pulled her closer to him and answered her veiled threat by mumbling, "I know."

Liz was crying when he pulled her flush against his larger body. She stammered, "You better come home to us, Raymond." She heard him mumble a reply before his breathing deepened and he started to lightly snore against her ear. Eventually she cried herself to sleep worrying about the one man that meant the world to her.


	14. Explantions

The next morning Red got up with Liz said his goodbyes and took off to the airport. He had a foreboding feeling and he wasn't sure why but he knew his gut wasn't usually wrong. The deal went fine until they went to leave and a fire fight broke out because some idiot betrayed them because he had an itchy trigger finger. He got shot in the shoulder and upper arm on his bad side for his troubles. He managed to get back to the plane with the cash and Dembe treated the wounds. He was agitated and in a lot of pain. He couldn't hold still.

Dembe said, "I'm sorry but please stop moving. We need to get the bullet and debris out of these wounds, Raymond. If we do not get it all out you will get an infection." He got the bullets out but he wasn't sure if he got all the fabric out. He hated having to do this only because he knew his friend had enough pain to begin with. He hoped he got it all out and cleaned them the best he could before wrapping them.

Red grunted, "Not...your...fault. Bastards..." All he wanted to do was go home to his family. He didn't bother telling Liz about the wounds thinking they would heal but regretted it as he got sick.

Liz was terrified one morning when she woke up and Red was to hot with a fever. She asked Dembe if he knew anything and they called the on call doctor who determined Red had an infection in his shoulder wound. The doctor had to find the offending piece of cloth and get it out. He then flushed both wounds before starting a strong antibiotic. Liz asked, "Why didn't he get an antibiotic when he came home, Dembe?"

Dembe replied, "We have done this many times for nonfatal wounds. I am sorry. It is my fault. I thought I had gotten all the fabric out of the wounds."

Liz replied, "God, Dembe! He's not 30 years old anymore! I don't know everything that is wrong but I know he is too old to let this sort of thing slide! If he dies..." She then started crying and was surprised when Red reached out to her."

Red was fevered and lost in the past. The only thing he knew was the woman he loved was crying. He rasped, "Shhh it's all right. I'll be fine. Where's Masha, Katerina?"

Lizzie was surprised when he called her by her mother's name but called Agnes in. She watched Agnes crawl on the bed with him and he wrapped her in his arms.

Agnes cried, "Daddy! Don't leave us!"

Red rasped, "It's all right, Masha. Daddy will be all right. We'll get you and your mom out of here. We'll get away from Rostova and the Russians. We've made it this far. You need to be strong for me, sweetheart. I'm going to be sick for a few days. I love you and your mom very much. We'll get out of this."

Liz looked at Dembe's guilty face and accused, "You know where he is, don't you, Dembe?"

Dembe replied, "Yes, Elizabeth. He's back the last time he was ill from a bullet wound. It was shortly before he gave you to Sam."

Liz demanded, "He told me he wasn't my father! Well IS he?"

Dembe replied, "I have no right to tell you what happened. I will tell you this. Raymond did not lie to you. You are not his biological daughter. The rest he will have to tell you himself."

Liz yelled, "It looks like he had an affair with my mother and I was the product of that."

Dembe sighed, "It is more complicated than that and you should ask him when he comes out of this. He cannot really refuse to tell you once you know some of it."

Red was delirious for a week before he finally started to realized when he was and suddenly knew Liz would want answers from the angry look on her face. He rasped, "Lizzie.."

Liz said, "Oh. You know who I am now? That's good maybe you can answer some questions. I remember asking you if I looked like my mother...Guess I got my answer."

Red rasped, "Can I have some water?"

Liz gave him some water until he was satisfied and said, "All right. Start talking."

Red replied, "Yes. You look like your mother. Too much like her for a delirious man stuck 30 years in the past.."

Liz said, "I know I said I'd wait until you were ready but....I want you to answer my questions and not try to avoid them. Do you understand?"

Red replied, "Please, Lizzie. Try not to judge me before you know what really happened."

Liz replied, "I'm trying not to. Are you my father? Why did I apparently call you daddy?"

Red replied, "I was sent to protect your mother when she contacted the government about defecting from the KGB and Russia. She told me the reason she wished to defect was she was pregnant and running from her husband...Your father. You were born while we were trying to get her free of Rostova. We fell in love but never had the chance to be together as we were constantly running. One of our covers was that we were husband and wife with a daughter. That was the longest we were able to hide. You grew up knowing me as you father so you called me daddy. You were a beautiful child. Rostova found us one night. I was still weak from an infection caused by a bullet to the shoulder. I had no idea where you were but I tried to stop him but I was losing until a gun went off. I looked and saw you holding a smoking gun. The scar on your hand was from the gun when it went off. The house was set on fire by one of the people that had betrayed me to Restova. You ran back for your rabbit before I could stop you. I'm assuming that was where the Fulcrum was hidden. I didn't even realize it until you gave it back to me. Your mother hid it but never told me where it was because she naturally wanted to be able to get me to stay. I would have stayed regardless. Soon as you came back I got you out of there but not before the burning ceiling fell on us. I covered you with my body but my back was burned very badly. I didn't even know if your mother had escaped. We had an agreement that if we got separated I would take you to the safest place I could find before trying to find her. So I took you to Sam...My best friend since childhood. He nursed me back to health but it left me with a completely scarred back. You wouldn't leave my side....I had to do something so I blocked your memories of me and that night. I took your memories to protect you and to allow you to have a happy childhood. I thought your father had died in the fire until I heard rumors about an Alexander Kirk. I knew I had no choice but to come back into your life. Between Kirk and Berlin I knew you weren't safe anymore."  
Liz asked, "You raised me? Then took the memories of the only father I had known?"

Red rasped, "Yes. I felt Sam would more than make up for what I took. I truly wish I could have done it all differently but at the time I had no other option. I'm sorry. I did it because I loved you as if you were my own daughter."

Liz asked, "That's where the daddy/daughter assumption comes in then. You trying to protect and comfort me as a father would his child."

Red replied, "Yes. When....I first came back into your life....I was trying to be the father I used to be when you were a child but.....I found that while I could play the role....I didn't want to be that role anymore. I was happy to let Sam keep that role for you. I never expected to but I had fallen for you hard....When you asked me if I was your father the first time..I almost lied to you but my desire for you to....love me made me tell you the truth."

Liz replied, "You hesitated because you were going to lie and tell me you were my father? Why?"

Red sighed, "I thought it would enable me to keep my distance but I knew it was too late. Playing your father would have been too hard for me after that point. You would have been creeped out by a man who says he's your father flirting with you like I was doing. Instead of just being a dirty old man I would have been the dirty old man that hits on his daughter. I may not have ever fallen for you had I raised you myself to adulthood."

Liz asked, "Is this what Sam was going to tell me before you killed him?"

Red sighed, "What he knew of it. He didn't know all of it because I never told him what happened but he knew I wasn't your father but had raised you. He also knew your name had to be changed to protect you. I contacted a criminal I knew that specialized in forging government documents and had all the necessary paperwork for you to become Elizabeth Scott created and then Sam adopted you legally changing your name to Milhoan. I knew as long as you were with Sam you'd be safe."

Liz asked, "Why didn't you raise me?"

Red laughed bitterly, "The Cabal.....fabricated evidence showing that I sold secret government documents around the time of the fire so I was forced to run. I spent 25 years making criminal contacts and getting the reputation as a ruthless business man with a violent streak. I learned how to kill without a second thought or to torture without remorse. I HAD to learn to become what I am in order to survive in the world I was forced into that I really didn't want any part of but had no choice. I learned how to play the part of a sociopath so well that I don't know how to be anything else."

Liz asked, "What were you like before you had to run?"

Red sighed, "I was once a loving, kindhearted man. I loved my family and my job. Carla....never forgave me for falling for your mother. She wanted out before they killed her so I got them fake names and let them start over without me. In return she would keep my secrets about you and your mother."

Liz asked, "Am I just a replacement for my mother to you?"

Red sighed, "You want to know if I've projected my feelings for your mother onto you because you look like her.. No. What I feel for you....Is far deeper than anything I ever felt for Katerina. You have a lot in common with your mother, Lizzie....But it's the differences that I see in you that I love. You will....always remind me of your mother....but not because I wanted you to take her place...I want you to be my....partner because I love the woman you've become... Not because you are an echo of the past." He almost said wife but caught himself in time. Now was not the time for a slip that could set her off. 

Liz sat on the bed next to him and entwined her fingers in his as she held his hand. She was confused but the only thing she knew was she wasn't going to lose him because she loved him more than anything in the world...well except maybe Agnes. She sighed, "All right. Thank you for not ignoring me again."

Red whispered, "I can't lose you, Lizzie. I was afraid....the truth would drive you away."

Liz sighed, "It didn't...but I think we have one of the most messed up relationships I've ever seen. It's not every day a girl's father becomes her lover...."

Red rasped, "I'm not your father."

Liz placed a hand against his cheek and replied, "Maybe not by birth but for 4 years you raised me as your own. You were still my daddy for that time. Now we are a couple and have a child together."

Red replied, "I guess we are a bit....messed up."

Liz leaned over and kissed his forehead and eyes. She replied, "Yes we are...but I wouldn't change us for anything, Raymond."

Red whispered, "Oh, Lizzie..." He reached up and gently pulled her down to kiss her. He was relieved when she didn't resist and kissed him back. He patted her side of the bed and he watched her get on her side before curling up next to him. 

Liz asked, "Why didn't have a professional look at those wounds?"

Red sighed, "For wounds that don't hit anything vital...I usually treated it myself. It wasn't critical so I didn't bother calling Kate for the unit. I was in a lot of pain and didn't make it very easy for Dembe to pull the bullets out. I don't blame him for missing the tiny piece of my shirt that caused the infection. I should had him knock me out."

Liz asked, "How would he have done that? You don't have ethanol."

Red replied, "One swift punch to the right spot will knock a person out."

Liz asked, "You'd let Dembe punch you unconscious?"

Red shrugged and replied, "He's had to do it before. There was a time I had a low tolerance for pain. It was after I met him and took him with me. He had quite the punch for a 14 year old boy. We were running from people that wanted to kill us. I got shot in the leg and I couldn't keep quiet so with one sift punch he....solved my problem. Back then He thought he had traded one master for another but I treated him well enough to earn his loyalty. He was terrified when I woke sometime later. It took me a while to remember what happened and why I had been unconscious. He didn't stop apologizing and begging my forgiveness for a week. I explained to him I wasn't angry and that he simply did what he had too in order for us to survive. Dembe is the only man I have let get away with assaulting me. Since the day we met I was the closest thing he has had to a father. I love Dembe like a son. He has always been there for me no matter how....rotten I've treated him at times."

Liz replied, "I'm glad you've had him. I may never have had the chance to truly get to know you if you hadn't."

Red replied, "When I first went on the run....I was stupid. Dembe saved my life more times than I could ever count. It was a miracle I lasted as long as I did before I met him. He taught me how to survive and I taught him how to trust again. We both learned how to be criminals together. He protected me and I educated him."

Liz asked, "How does he know about me? Our connection?"

Red sighed, "I met him a couple months after I left you with Sam. I was much less private back then. One night I was drunk and....missing you terribly. I told him everything...Whenever I got updates from Sam about how you were doing...I shared them with Dembe. He knows how much I hurt when you reject me and I try to pretend I don't care. He is....my confidant. The one person I can talk to and not be judged as weak just because a woman I love hurt my feelings. The day I....lost you..I was so devastated. First you didn't want me at your wedding, then wouldn't allow me to see Agnes, and then you......were gone. If it weren't for Dembe....I wanted to die so I could be with you. I eventually found myself in Cape May."

Liz asked, "Isn't that where my mother died?"

Red rasped, "Yes. I had given Dembe the power of attorney and everything. I had spent a week in an opium den before and hallucinated your mother the whole time I was in Cape May. I made peace with her but not myself. I think I had planned to die there."

Liz squeezed his hand and replied, "I'm glad you didn't. I'm sorry. I never knew how badly you would react to my death." She curled up with her head over his heart so she didn't jar his shoulder.

Red ran his hand over her hair and swallowed hard. He blinked the tears away and rasped, "It's all right. Just don't ever so that to me again. I may not survive it again."

Liz replied, "If I die I won't have a choice. I'm not going to go anywhere but I need you to promise that if anything happens to me...You will be here for Agnes. You can't lose yourself in grief over me. Agnes will need her father more than ever."

Red rasped, "I won't desert our daughter, Lizzie. I promise." It took about a month but he eventually managed to heal fully and had to more puckered scars on his body. One night in bed he was surprised by Liz's desire to see his scars. He hesitantly agreed wondering what it was about.

Liz unbuttoned his top and ran her finger over every puckered scar on his chest. She thought of this as a way to get him more comfortable with her touching him. She ran her fingers through his chest hair and over each bullet wound. When she came to the one on the left side of his chest that hit his lung. She heard his sharp intake of breath and said, "I'm sorry. If I hadn't been fighting with you...You might not have gotten shot. I almost lost you because of my own stubbornness."

Red replied, "Lizzie...It's not your fault the Cabal sent an assassin to kill me. Nor is it your fault I was distraught and distracted by your anger toward me. No...I should have known better than to stand in the open where they had a clear pot shot at me."

Liz replied, "I'm still sorry." She started to cry into his chest.

Red replied, "I know. I'm all right. You didn't lose me. I'm a tough old man." He held her while she cried and hated himself for causing her so much pain. Eventually he felt her start to move to other wounds until she settled on the one that ran halfway along the lower curve of his belly. He said, "Knife wound. I lost that fight. Dembe saved my life after I got sliced pretty deep. I needed stitches but luckily it didn't hit anything other than muscle and fat. It did hurt like hell though. I have many bullet scars, a few knife scars and the burns on my back. I'm not a pretty sight...I've....had a hard life, Lizzie."

Liz replied, "I don't care. I love you...Scars and all. I want you to understand that I am sad you have so many scars from wounds but I am not bothered by them being there. I am not put off by them. It just saddens me you've been hurt so many times. I just wanted to show you that I'm not going to run away because you are not perfect. In my eyes you are beautiful regardless of your physical imperfections."

Red sighed, "Oh, Lizzie..You are the one that's beautiful. You always have been since the day you were born."

Liz said, "I asked you to make love to me a few months ago and you refused. Said I had to be absolutely certain I wanted to be owned by you. I want to be owned by you. You all ready own my heart and should complete it."

Red rasped, "I'll do anything for you. I just..."

Liz looked into his eyes and was stunned by the hatred in his eyes. She knew it wasn't her he hated so there was only one other reason. She said, "You don't think you deserve to be happy because you hate yourself. Stop trying to push me away. I want YOU and this self sacrificing bullshit isn't going to do us any good. All it's doing is making me angry, Raymond!"

Red rasped, "I'm only trying to do right by you, Lizzie. You...deserve far better than me."

Liz sighed, "Maybe you are exactly what I deserve. We have always found our way back to each other. Maybe we are MEANT for each other. You ever consider that?"

Red replied, "All right. Have it your way. I'm not going to argue anymore. Just not tonight. I can feel my sleeping pill starting to kick in." 

Liz replied, "All right. It can wait until tomorrow. I love you." She curled up on his shoulder with her hand resting over the scar that almost took his life almost 8 years ago. She played with his chest hair over the scar for a while until she started to drift off.

Red kissed her forehead and mumbled, "Love you too." He nodded off to the feeling of Liz playing with his hair over that fateful bullet that brought them so much pain.


	15. One Step Forward

One night after a shower Red looked at himself in the mirror. He had many scars mixed in with his chest hair and a receding hair line. He still couldn't understand what attracted Liz to him. He looked nothing like Nick or Tom. He was completely the opposite of them. He was 30 years older than her, had bags under his eyes, a pot belly, yellowing teeth from years of smoking, and double chin. He was a borderline alcoholic with an opium addiction that she doesn't even know about because he hides it. His pain meds are opiates and when he runs out he smokes straight opium to take away the pain. He does it outside so she doesn't smell it. He looked up and met Liz's eyes in the mirror when he heard his name.  
Liz saw him staring in the mirror and placed a hand on his shoulder. She asked, "You all right, Raymond?" She had been patiently getting him accustomed to the next level of their relationship. Being held and touched without 3 layers of clothes on. She found it interesting that he had accepted her touching him without anything but a towel or boxers on but he had not tried to touch her naked flesh. She was currently wearing a pair of sleep shorts and tank top for bed. 

Red cleared his throat and replied, "Yeah. I'm fine, Lizzie. Just trying to figure out what you are attracted too." He felt her arms wrap around and rest on the lower part of his rounded belly and her head rest between his shoulder blades. He brushed his teeth and went to take his pills but she stopped him. He looked at her in the mirror and quirked and eyebrow at her reflection.

Liz replied, "You are mine tonight. You can take them after you show me how much you love me."

Red chuckled, "Is that your way of saying you are horny, Lizzie?"

Liz replied, "To put it crudely...Yes."

Red shook his head in amazement and replied, "All right. I guess we put intimacy off long enough. I....can't promise much but I'll do whatever I can to satisfy you." He follow her into the bedroom and watched her shut their door and strip naked. He was speechless at her beauty until she pulled the towel from his hips and led him to the bed. He got under the blanket and wrapped his arms around her as he passionately kissed her. He was actually as nervous as a school boy when it came to his Liz. He wasn't reacting and he knew it was his nerves but he promised to make her happy so he just concentrated on making her climax. He kissed his way down her neck to her beautiful small mounds before sucking on each nipple in turn. He knew the key was to distract her enough to forget about him. He worshipped every inch of her skin on his way to her center. He had always wondered how she tasted. He didn't get the chance the only night they had sex. He enjoyed pleasing a woman and driving her wild with his mouth. He slid two fingers inside of her as he licked and sucked on her clit throwing an occasional little nibble in there. He felt her climax around his fingers and smiled. He repeated the pattern he learned brought her to climax about 6 times before she firmly pulled his hair to stop him. He gave her entrance one final firm lick with the flat of his tongue before kissing her mound. He then moved back up the bed and settled next to her.

Liz panted, "What possessed you to do that?"

Red smirked and replied, "I didn't hear you complaining while I was licking your pussy, Lizzie." He had did that with many women but none tasted as good as Liz. He could do that for hours with her. He was addicted to her taste and beauty.

Liz panted, "No. It was....amazing what you can do with that damn tongue. I just know some guys don't like doing that."

Red laughed, "I assure you I enjoyed it. It's one of the few sexual acts I do truly enjoy performing. By the way.. I always had wondered how you tasted...I wasn't disappointed. You taste....heavenly. Addictive even. I could taste you for hours. Like a fine whiskey." He watched her blush bright red and sat up to take his pills. He also swished his mouth out before swallowing the water to remove most of her taste. He may love her taste but he wasn't sure if she would want to taste herself when he kissed her. He laid back down and firmly kissed her lips and noticed she was sleepy. 

Liz replied, "Just another weird quirk to add to your unusual behavior."

Red laughed, "At least this is a quirk you get to find enjoyment in."

Liz yawned and replied, "That's true. I'm sorry but I can't...."

Red teased, "Suck cock?" When Liz nodded sadly he replied, "That's fine. I never was fond of a woman on her knees giving fellatio. I'd much rather doing something we both enjoy. Like making another baby.."

Liz leaned up on her elbow and asked in surprise, "You want another child?"

Red shrugged and replied, "It was a figure of speech...but if we were to create another child...I wouldn't have a problem with it. I...love children. I used to dream of having a house full of them. My....life wasn't conducive to having a family anymore. I am an old man and a criminal but then we have Masha after all. I'm perfectly happy whether we have one or ten."

Liz kissed him firmly on the lips and suddenly realized she had forgotten all about him. She asked, "What about you? I don't think you....climaxed."

Red replied, "I'm fine, Lizzie. I don't need to get my rocks off to enjoy sex. I enjoyed it so don't worry about it.."

Liz asked, "How?"

Red replied, "By making you happy and watching you enjoy yourself. That makes it worth it." He closed his eyes and felt her head go back to his shoulder. After a while his back started to bother him so he rolled on his side and wrapped his arm around Liz. He felt her scoot back against him and he slid his hand to rest possessively on one of her naked breasts. He buried his nose in her hair before nodding off to sleep.

Liz woke up the next morning in the same position they went to sleep in and snuggled closer to Red's warm belly. She felt his thumb rub circles on the breast it rested on and he nuzzled his nose in her hair. She heard him mumble her name before pulling her closer. She had to curve her back and she smirked when she felt what she was looking for. She started to tease him by rubbing against his erection.

Red was half asleep just enjoying having Liz naked in his arms. He felt her rubbing against him and mumbled, "Go back to sleep, Lizzie. Just because my dick is awake doesn't mean I am." Then he realized what he had just said and snapped awake with an OH of surprise as she grabbed him.

Liz rolled over to face him and gently grasped him and teased, "Oh? Surely you can be a little more articulate than that."

Red gasped, "Pretty hard when you have my dick in your hand, Lizzie. It's a bit...distracting..ahhh." When she started to slide her hand up and down he lost his train of thought. Out of instinct he started to buck in her hand but he regretfully pulled away from her because he was too close. Too much stimulation at once. He kissed her passionately before moving down her body to pleasure her. After she was slick and sated he positioned himself between her legs and looked at her for permission. He felt her wrap her legs around his waist as an answer. The first time entering her sober was divine. He closed his eyes to try and control himself.

Liz was watching Red's face as he moved and wanted to cry because he had such a look of awe on his face. She noticed he kept his eyes closed as he made love to her but when she could tell he was close she begged, "Raymond? Look at me." She saw his eyes snap open and instantly focus on hers. She saw passion, desire, and love in his eyes as he came with her name on his lips. She held him close to her as his breathing started to calm down.

Red looked at Lizzie as soon as she called his name. He couldn't help it and came deep inside of her. He panted, "Sorry, Lizzie."

Liz asked, "What for?"

Red panted, "Too soon....Been to long...You....overwhelm me." When Liz let go of him he rolled to his side next to her. 

Liz rolled to face him and caressed his cheek. She said, "It's all right. You more than satisfied me before you entered me. Your silver tongue took care of that. That was really more for you, Raymond."

Red rasped, "My precious Lizzie. I love you so much. I'm sorry our first time wasn't more romantic."

Liz replied, "That's all right. I'm happy with how it turned out. Besides nothing ever really works out how we plan it anyway."

Red replied, "That's true but...someday I'm going to do it properly. Candles, dinner, the works."

Liz replied, "How about you just save that for a really special occasion?" She was hoping that someday he would want to marry her. She wanted to marry him and have more children with him. She noticed two matching scars on his arms above his wrists about where a person wanting to commit suicide would cut. She wanted to ask but didn't want to ruin the mood so let it go. She looked at the clock and sighed, "Guess we should get up. Agnes will be up looking for her daddy soon." She kissed him again before getting up and walking nude about the room gathering her clothes for the day while he watched her.

Red watched her slip into the bathroom before sitting up and pulling on his boxers. He got his clothes together and hung them on the handle of the armoire. He heard a knock on the door and threw his robe on over his boxers before going to let his little girl in. He hugged her as she slipped her hands in his robe to rest on his belly. He asked, "What's wrong, Masha?"

Agnes cried, "Bad dream. You...d-d-died, daddy."

Red had her sit on his bed with him and said, "I'm fine. I know ever since I was sick you keep having these dreams but I'm not going to die, sweetheart. You're stuck with me." He held her until she calmed down and kissed her forehead. He looked up when Liz came out of the bathroom and raised an eyebrow. He just shrugged, mouthed 'nightmare' before saying, "You want to go with Lizzie while I get a shower? I'll be out to make breakfast in a few minutes."

Agnes was about to protest but finally mumbled, "K. You promise you be out soon, daddy?"

Red replied, "Yeah. I promise. Now run along. Faster I get in there the faster I get out." He watched both mother and child leave and took his clothes in the bathroom before getting in the shower. After he got out he shaved and took care of the other essentials before getting dressed. When he was home he usually only wore dress pants, dress shirt with the first 2 buttons open, and an open or buttoned vest. He decided today would be an unbuttoned day because of Agnes being distraught. She'll be slipping her fingers in his shirt probably most of the day. He managed to get his socks and shoes on before hearing a timid knock on the bathroom door. He sighed, "Come in, Masha." He watched her come in and notice his untied shoes before tying them for him. He started letting her tie his shoes because he was having a hard time himself with his bad leg and having gained weight around the middle. Also she insisted when she noticed him struggling to tie them one day. He still managed to do it when he was away but it took a lot longer. He took her hand and leaning on his cane he limped to the kitchen with her in tow.

Agnes was worried when Red didn't come out after a half hour. She snuck away from her mom and into their bedroom before knocking on the bathroom door. She smiled in relief when she heard his voice tell her to come in. She tied his shoe laces before following him out of the bathroom. She sat at the kitchen table and colored in her coloring book while he made breakfast. She did notice a change in her parents interaction. He was more affectionate with mom and mom was always blushing whenever he whispered something in her ear.

Liz remembered Red used to be more flirtatious and open about sex when they met but she never knew how....descriptive and adventurous he could be. Now that she was his lover she noticed he was more tactile and seductive with her. He kept whispering all kinds of things he'd like to try with her in her ear and she couldn't stop blushing. This was definitely not a side of him she expected. What surprised her more was that he was making her wet because she liked the ideas he was suggesting. She especially liked the one where he suggested handcuffing him to the bed and having her wicked way with him. Suddenly she realized everything he was suggesting had her in control which means he's acting like a submissive. She never saw that coming after how long she's known him...but the last two years he always let her lead their relationship except for the fact that she now was his and only his until he died. As she thought about it why couldn't a submissive be possessive and jealous? Why couldn't a dominate outside the home actually be a submissive in the bedroom?

Red could see the wheels turning in Liz's head as he gave her more and more ideas of what they could do together. He saw the very moment when she realized he wanted her to dominate him as her submissive. He nodded at her and smiled. He said, "You want to know who I once was? Before I became what I am now? I'm willing to show you, Lizzie." Back before the Cabal he was a quiet and generally submissive man. He was capable of being assertive in his work but at home he was a submissive. Carla was his dominate but when he met Katerina and was forced to become a dominate Carla didn't like him that way. She wanted a complete submissive at home so it ended. The reason he's willing to let Lizzie see that side of him is because she accepted him as a dominate man so she should be able to handle him switching back and forth when he had too.


	16. Agnes the Nurse

Agnes started getting out Red's pills and putting them where she knew he'd find them. She knew she broke his rule about not touching them but technically she only touched the cup and the box they came out of and not the pills themselves. She looked at it as a loophole. She was also very careful to make sure every one of the pills went in the cup and she didn't lose any of them. She could tell he figured out who was the culprit because he looked at the pills and then at her before raising an eyebrow at her. She was sure he was going to yell at her but he just let her continue but made sure she knew he was watching her.

Red noticed his pills were in a pill cup for him on the table. He had started leaving the box on the lower shelf in the cupboard where Agnes could reach it if he asked her to get it for him. He then noticed every morning his pills were on the kitchen table in a cup, afternoon pills were next to his ashtray on the side table by the couch, and many times they were on his nightstand in the bedroom when he went to bed. He was wondering where the pills he was supposed to take that day went to until he put two and two together. Agnes had ignored him about not touching them, was getting his pills for him and placing them where he was most likely to remember to take them. She was taking care of him just as she told him she was going too. He counted the pills and they were all there so he just let her continue to make sure he took his pills. If it made her feel like she was helping him then he wouldn't stop her.

Agnes found Red later in the day sitting on the couch in the living room rubbing his bad leg. She was bringing his afternoon pills and sheepishly handed him the cup. She saw him look at her before taking all them at once and getting them down with the glass of yellow liquid he drinks a lot of around this time of day and late in the evening with his cigar.   
Red said, "You do know you are breaking your word to me by handling my pills? By the way you're late with them."

Agnes stammered, "Sorry. I lost track of time. I haven't touched any of the PILLS. I just dump them from the box into the cup, daddy."

Red sighed, "Leave it to you to find a loophole in my rule. You are WAY too much like me at times."

Agnes asked, "You mad?"

Red replied, "No, Masha. Technically you did follow my rules. I never thought you'd find a way around them."

Agnes asked, "You going to stop me?"

Red hiss in pain before replying, "No. I'm not going to stop you as long as you don't lose them or swallow any of them. You must make sure I get every one of them. Understand?"  
Agnes replied, "Yes, daddy. Thank you!" She wrapped her arms around him in a hug and kissed his cheek. She heard him hiss again as she bumped his bad leg. She asked, "Can I help?"

Red saw her expectant face and sighed, "There is a blue jar in my nightstand. Can you bring it to me?" He watched her run off to his bedroom and painfully dropped his pants. When she came back with the jar he opened it and rubbed the gunk on his outer thigh as far under his boxers as he could get. 

Agnes saw all the light colored spots and lines on her father's leg and asked, "Those marks? Are they why your leg hurts?"

Red looked at her and replied, "No...They are just scars from what caused the damage to my leg. What's wrong with my leg is inside of it. Some of the bones and muscle were destroyed. They fixed what they could but my leg was to damaged to heal properly."

Agnes reached out and asked, "can I?" She watch him shrug before gently touching the scarring on his leg. When she was done examining it she sat back on her haunches and asked, "What did they do?"

Red replied, "I'll tell you when you're older if you still want to know. It's not something you share with a 6 year old. It was unpleasant to say the least." He hated even thinking about it because he was tortured and his leg was a mess. Took him year to even be able to walk again. He stood back up and pulled his pants up again. He was trying to tuck his shirt in when he felt a small pair of hands rest against the underside if his belly. He knew he wasn't going to get his shirt tucked back in so he just buckled his belt without it.  
Agnes was running her hand over Red's fuzzy belly and giggled, "Your furry, daddy. You're like the teddy bear you first bought me. Soft, round and furry."

Red sighed, "Yes. I know. That's why I thought you'd like that teddy bear. You had a fondness for my fat, soft belly so I got you him. I thought you'd find him comforting when I wasn't nearby."

Agnes replied, "He is but he's not you."

Red sat on the couch again and wrapped his arms around her. He rasped, "I know, Masha." He let her crawl on the couch next him and curl against his side. He noticed her one hand never moved from under his shirt and only slid up higher on his belly when she was settled. He kissed her forehead held her. He found that Agnes while a hyper child at times was perfectly content to sit with him holding her. He was the only one she would listen too without an argument so when she is bad he usually was given the job of disciplining her. Later that afternoon he was putting Agnes' clothes away when he found his beige fedora with the brown hat band hidden under her bed. He had been looking for that hat for months. He called her into her room and asked, "Why do you have my hat?"

Agnes looked down and stammered, "I took it from your closet while you were gone a few months ago. I forgot to return it. I'm sorry."

Red sighed, "Why?"

Agnes whispered, "Your smell."

Red replied, "What?"

Agnes stammered, "It smells like you. It helped me fall asleep when you weren't here."

Red suddenly realized that it wasn't a pot bellied fuzzy teddy bear that she needed. It was his scent all this time that she was comforted by and he stammered, "Oh....Wow. Didn't see that coming. You're comforted by...how I smell. All right. I got an idea..Instead of stealing my hats...I'll give you any jacket that you want while I'm gone. You can use it as a blanket. You can give it back when I return."

Agnes wrapped her arms around his waist and replied, "Thank you, daddy."

Red replied, "You're welcome. Now what do you want to do while I make dinner?"

Agnes replied, "Color?"


	17. Two Steps Back

After Agnes got settled at the kitchen table she watched him more than she colored. She liked watching him. She was learning how to read him by his expressions. She also knew something was bothering him when his facial tics started. When his left eye twitched he was usually angry. That twitch in his left cheek was a dead giveaway when he was upset. She saw it going now and asked, "What's wrong, daddy?"

Red asked, "Why do you think anything is wrong?"

Agnes sighed, "Your left cheek is twitching. It always is a sign you are upset."

Red sighed, "Sometimes I hate that you have you mother's ability to read me. I'm just.... worried about what will happen to you when I die. You are so attached to me... It worries me. I'm honored that you love me so much but I do hope you can find another that will..... fill the void when I'm gone. Oh, Masha...I'm sorry..Don't cry. Dammit...I did it again." 

Again he broke his little girl's heart. He was a terrible father apparently.

Agnes started crying and she just couldn't stop. She wrapped herself around him when he sat in a kitchen chair. She stammered, "You're not dying are you?"

Red rasped, "No. God no. I'm not dying. I'm just a lot older than a father should be to raise a child. A man my age should be a grandfather. I just...I'm not going to live forever. With the life I've led I have maybe 10-20 years if I'm lucky. I'm in no hurry to leave you..I just know someday I will. I don't want you to be lost without me.." He kissed her temple and held her close and tried to sooth her with his scent and voice. He needed to learn when to not answer her no matter how many times she asks.

Agnes clung to his shirt and stammered, "You don't want me to love you, daddy?" 

Red replied, "It's not your love that bothers me. It's your utter blind devotion. Not wanting to do anything with anyone unless I am nearby. You don't want to participate in school activities or spend time with friends because you rather be with me. I love you with every fiber of my being but I don't want you to not have anyone when I am gone. You are so isolated by our relationship. THAT's what worries me. I....should push you away....to...do things without me...but I'm in just as deep as you are and it would destroy us both now."

Agnes whispered, "Please don't..."

Red sighed, "THIS is all my fault. In trying to give you a safe haven I got as dependant on your affection as you have on mine. I...can't push you away....I'm not strong enough to do it anymore. Even though I know it's...the right thing to do. I...gave you up once...I WON'T do it again. No matter what they say about me and you..I will NEVER push you away or desert you. You are my child...My daughter...and as messed up as our relationship may seem to the outside world....I don't care."

Agnes curled as close to him as she could and yanked his shirt our of his pants to slip her hand under it to rest on his belly. She was calming down slowly comforted by the important things to her emotional state. The sound of her father's gravel like timber talking just so she was comforted by his voice. The feel of his warm, soft, fuzzy belly under her hand as it rose and fell with each breath he took. Then his scent of cigars, whiskey, after shave, mints, and gun oil/powder and something else she couldn't name... She would sit for hours watching him clean his guns but never would touch them because they were dangerous. He promised to teach her how to use them when she was old enough as long as she never touched one without him present and his permission. She noticed he kept his favorite hand gun loaded on his night stand or the side table of the couch. She asked him why one day and he told her to protect her if a bad person came in to hurt them. As she got older she started to realize her father was not a 'normal' businessman but she didn't care.

Red let her do whatever she had too in order to calm down and ran his hand over her hair while he just babbled on about bullshit to just keep talking. He had slowly figured out while his scent, voice and soft belly all calmed her down to some degree...It was the combination of all three together making him uniquely who he is that truly calmed her down. That's why HE had to be the one to hold her when she was upset. He remembered she was instantly taken with him when she was 4 years old. He was daddy before he even had time to think about it. She is definitely a daddy's girl. No matter what he did he couldn't do anything wrong in her eyes. The only good thing about that was that she trusted him completely and in a gunfight or something it could mean she'd live rather than die.

Agnes stammered, "I love you, daddy."

Red kissed her head and whispered, "I know you do. It's the thing I can't help but be certain of, Masha." He felt tears sliding down his cheeks but he didn't care.

Agnes looked up at his face when she felt wetness in her hair. She reached her free hand up and ran her thumb over his cheeks to get rid of the tears on his cheeks. She said, "Daddy? I'm sorry...Don't cry....What I do?"

Red kissed her forehead and rasped, "You are loving me. That's what you are doing. That means more to me that you'll even know, Masha."

Agnes asked, "But...Why you crying?"

Red whispered, "Because I'm happy. YOU make me happy." He was never happier in his life than when Agnes chose him to be her daddy even though he hadn't been there for the first 4 years. He had loved his first daughter but Agnes was special because she chose him in her own way rather than getting stuck with him. To be chosen by a child to him was a very special thing whether you created them or not especially after being estranged for the first years of the child's life. She could have rejected him but she didn't. She accepted him and loved him regardless of whether or not she thought he deserted her when she was born. Now she loves him unconditionally like he had always been there accepting anything he brought her home from his trips with reverence. She was his little girl now and not even the hounds of hell would change that. He suddenly realized that while he loved Lizzie and needed her...She wasn't what he needed to heal. He needed Agnes...A child's unconditional and nonjudgmental love to heal his broken heart. It was Agnes that has truly made him happy for the first time in over 30 years. Liz is part of that and he adores her but it was Agnes that wormed her way into his heart and started to mend it by simply loving him. She was his joy, existence, and heart. 

Agnes was watching his face and the look of surprise and awe that passed his features worried her. She asked, "Daddy? You OK?"

Red smiled and replied, "Yeah. I'm fine, Masha. I better finish dinner before your mom gets home and is cranky because dinner isn't on the table."

Agnes giggled, "Are you sure you're not my mommy?"

Red snorted, "Sometimes I wonder...I'm a house husband of all things..If you knew me like Lizzie does you'd think I was taken by aliens or something. Before you came along I wasn't domesticated....Not for many years anyway."

Liz got home about this time and stopped dead in her tracks when Agnes asked that question she had been wanting to ask Red for years but never was brave enough too.  
Agnes asked, "Why aren't you and mommy married?"

Red spluttered, "What brought that question on?"

Agnes shrugged and replied, "Most of the kids at school have married parents...Even the ones with two mommies or daddies. The only ones that aren't are single moms or dads."  
Red sighed, "Not everyone that have a lasting happy long term relationship marry. It doesn't mean they love each other any less than a married couple does. They just don't always think they need a piece of paper to prove they are a family. Just because I haven't married Lizzie doesn't mean I'm not devoted to the both of you. I have no intention of leaving either of you until I die."

Agnes replied, "Then why not ask mommy to marry you?"

Red sighed, "Your mom is young and beautiful. I'm....not. She all ready regrets one marriage. I just don't want to be the cause of another regret. She isn't tied to me legally if she's not married to me. She can leave any time she wishes without going through the pain of a divorce."

Agnes gasped, "You're afraid to ask her..."

Red rasped, "Yeah." No use fighting her on the point. She is smarter than she looks.

Agnes asked, "Why? Mommy loves you..You love her, don't you?"

Red cleared his throat and replied, "Yeah. I love Lizzie. I have for a very long time. Since before you were born. She was married to....another man...I wanted nothing more than to be....the only man in her life. The one she loved more than anything in the world. I tried to be that man.....do the right thing and all it did was push her back to...him. She was getting married again....I wanted nothing more that to be the one she was marrying but all I did was make her angry. She hurt me when she threw me out of the church and wouldn't allow me to see you after you were born. Then soon after she....went away...I just fell apart. I've come to accept that I'm just never going to be the one that marries her. It doesn't matter how....badly I want her to be my wife...I will never ask her because I am simply not good enough for her."

Agnes asked, "Why not, daddy?"

Red sighed, "I'm....62 years old, fat, crippled, and have a jaded violent past. HE wasn't good enough for her but I finally understand that neither am I. I know I have to be grateful for what she will give me. She....is light while I am darkness. She will someday find someone far better than me and...I will lose her because I don't deserve her. I can only hope that I am dead and buried before that day comes. I will.....always be available to you while I am alive but....there may come a day when your mom decides I should go away. I will never find another I love as much as your mom. I am....nearing the end of my life. Your mom has many years yet. It's not fair to tie her down to someone as....damaged as I am."  
Liz came into the room and replied, "That's not really your choice to make, Raymond. I tied my life to yours the day we met. I have made my choice. I chose you or I wouldn't be here. You again are trying to make my decisions for me. Do you still have this insane notion you are trying to protect me?"

Red replied, "Yes. If you are legally bound to me....You'll have to deal with people coming after because by hurting you...They know they would hurt me."

Liz sighed, "We have been through that all ready. Beside how is Agnes bearing your name going to protect her but not me?"

Red replied, "Because she is my CHILD. Until she is grown up she is off bounds...My WIFE on the other hand is fair game. That's why Carla had to hide."

Liz sighed, "Look I've heard the whole conversation you two had..I know that this is just a smoke screen to hide you are just an insecure old man."

Red rasped, "All right. I AM an insecure old man, Lizzie. An Old insecure man that still is trying to protect you from whatever I can because I love you. INCLUDING the rejection you will get just by being with me let alone MARRIED to me."

Liz replied, "If you truly love me, Raymond, then prove it by MARRYING me, dammit!"

Red replied, "No, Lizzie. You are far better off NOT married to me. We are through with this conversation." He wasn't expecting the hard slap across the face that she gave him. It was so hard he almost fell. He raised his hand to his cheek in astonishment. She had just bitch slapped him HARD. He felt his walls starting to crumble around him.

Liz coldly answered, "Go to Hell, you monster!" She saw the immediate hurt in his eyes before he managed to shutter them. She knew she had the effect she wanted before grabbing Agnes and storming out. She heard him collapse into a chair but was to angry to care. After all she had been through with him and stood by his side he didn't TRUST her enough to marry her? Didn't trust her to stay? Or maybe he didn't want her too? Why else would he flat out refuse to marry her? Even after telling THEIR child just the opposite?  
After Liz dragged Agnes out of the kitchen he collapsed into a chair and cried. He wanted nothing more than to marry her but he truly felt she was far better off as they were but it looked like it didn't matter anymore. He heard her moving around until he heard her wheeled suitcase going across his hardwood floors. The thing that hurt worse was the wailing coming from Agnes as she was drug out of their home by her mom. Finally he just couldn't take anymore and went to the living room where they were yelling.  
Agnes didn't catch on until her mother was dragging her out the door with a suitcase. She wailed, "I want to stay with Daddy!! I want my daddy! No mommy! Stop! I want to stay here!"

Liz grabbed both her daughter's arms and snapped, "Stop acting like a baby. Your FATHER made his choice! We are not staying here anymore if he won't marry me."

Agnes yelled, "That's not my choice! I want to stay with him!"

Liz snapped, "You are coming with me, young lady!"

Red yelled, "Lizzie! That's enough! She's just a child for God's sake!"

Liz snapped, "You have no right to say anything. You lost that right when you told me point blank you will NEVER marry me!"

Red suddenly felt something inside him just snap and he got furious. He yelled, "She is still MY flesh and blood too. Just because you are angry with me is NO reason to punish our child! You're going to hurt her more than either of us! She'll pay the price for your anger. She wants to stay here. What's the harm in it? I'm not going to run off with her. I give you my word."

Liz snapped, "I'm supposed to trust you not to kidnap her? When you don't trust me enough to marry me?"

Red snapped, "You're right, Lizzie. Why trust the only man who has never lied to you? You want the truth? It's not that I don't trust you...I don't trust another man from charming you away from me! I am 62 years old! You are 38. The odds of you falling in love with another man closer to your age is not an unfair assumption nor is the assumption you'll tire of taking care of a sickly, crippled old man. Dammit...I have to face the fact that I am OLD enough to be your father! I..." He leaned heavily on his cane as he felt his chest constrict. He then collapsed to the floor and gasped, "Nitro, Masha..."

Agnes yanked her hand from her mothers and ran to her father's study and rooted through his desk until she found the tiny brown pill bottle and ran back to the living room. She pushed him on to his back and tucked two under his tongue. She could tell it was a bad one this time because he was almost convulsing as he groaned and gurgled. She cried, "Daddy! Please don't leave me! I love you!"

Lizzie finally snapped out of her shock and called an ambulance and was at a loss of what to do after that. after he was loaded on a stretcher she came over when he reached for her. She took his hand and put her ear to his lips.

Red rasped, "Don't punish Masha. None of this is her fault. I'm...sorry I hurt you...I love you both more than anything." He couldn't speak anymore. He was just too tired and the pressing feeling on his chest was making it hard for him to breath. He passed out on the way to the hospital. He was very glad he had taken care of his will and power of attorney as everything went black.


	18. Set Back

Liz ran in the hospital with Agnes in tow and asked the nurse, "I'm looking for Raymond Reddington. He was just brought in a few minutes before I got here. I need to know he's all right."

Nurse Pire asked, "Are you a relative?"

Liz replied, "Yes...I'm his....wife and this is our daughter."

Nurse Pire asked, "Aren't you a little young for him, Miss?"

Liz snapped, "Elizabeth. My name's Elizabeth."

Nurse Pire looked at the file and asked, "Elizabeth Milhoan? Very well please have a seat and someone will be with you shortly."

Liz was still trying to figure out what changed the snotty nurse's mind when another nurse came out and led her to a private room where Red was sleeping on a bed. She sat in the hard plastic chair and held his hand while Agnes stood on the other one with her head on his belly. She asked, "What are you doing, Agnes?"

Agnes replied, "Daddy said that if he is too still then to put my head on his belly to feel he's still breathing and his chest to hear his heart beating." She felt a familiar hand resting on her head and looked up. She squealed, "Daddy! You're ok!"

Red was very weak and tired but managed a tired smile before rasping, "Hey, Masha. I'm alive. It's all right. Come here. Careful." He weakly scooted over towards the right as he watched her carefully shift up the bed to lay by his left side where he wasn't attached to anything. The bed rail was also up on that side so she wouldn't fall off the bed. He waited patiently until she was curled up on his shoulder half laying on his left side because of lack of space and a small hand resting on his belly. He hissed when she bumped his left leg to hard.

Agnes asked, "Am I hurting you, daddy?" 

Red rasped, "Watch my leg. That's the bad one."

Agnes replied, "Oh. Sorry, daddy."

Red made the effort to lift his head enough to kiss hers before rasping, "It's ok. Just be careful." He then looked to his right and weakly squeezed Liz's hand. He croaked, "Lizzie...."

Liz stood up and kissed his forehead before replying, "I'm sorry, Raymond. I shouldn't have acted like I did. I shouldn't have treated you like that."

Red coughed letting out a groan of pain. He rasped, "No..I'm sorry. You're right. I shouldn't be making your choices.....I don't want to lose you....but all I ever seem to do is drive you away." He started coughing again and took an ice chip she offered him. He groaned as his chest protested the coughing jag.

Liz asked, "What happened?"

Red croaked, "Heart attack."

Liz said, "I don't follow."

Red replied, "I have a bad heart, Lizzie.. I can't get angry like that."

Liz gasped, "And no one makes more angry than I can...God why didn't you tell me, Raymond?"

Red rasped, "Ashamed.....embarrassed.....afraid. too many reasons."

Liz sighed, "I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong."

Dr. Banks walked in the room and did a double take at the 6 year old curled on the bed with Red and the young woman standing by his patient's side. He said, "Well, Red. You going to introduce us?"

Liz held out her hand and replied, "I'm Elizabeth and the little girl sleeping in Raymond's arms is Agnes."

Dr. Banks replied, "Ah..So you are his Lizzie that he thought he had lost. She must be the baby he had to leave behind with your husband?"

Liz replied, "Ex-husband. We never got to remarry. Also Agnes is his daughter not Tom's."

Dr. Bank's replied, "Ah. That explains a few things like how she's curled up in his bed and he's allowing it."

Liz replied, "She is very attached to her father. We....thought we lost him. She took it harder because of their tight bond since she's 4 years old."

Dr. Banks replied, "Well he was very lucky he taught the child his meds because she saved his life. We were able to reverse most of the damage the heart attack caused. The percentage of your heart hat isn't working has increased but only to 15% rather than 50% or worse death. The other 85% of your heart is still strong but you really need to not get angry or stressed. As for intimacy...That is definitely off the plate until you've recovered...after that I'll see whether I can clear you or not. You will recover in a few months providing you do not have another one in the mean time. As for your business I'm afraid you are grounded until further notice. I will be increasing your meds. As for you Miss Milhoan...I would hope you will keep your household as peaceful as possible while Red recovers."

Liz replied, "Yes. Of course. I'm sorry but this was my fault. We were fighting before it happened. In my defense I didn't know about his heart condition."

Dr. Banks asked, "What were you fighting about? How could you possibly NOT know?"

Red replied, "I never told her. She respected my privacy."

Liz replied, "I want to get married....He....doesn't. Then we were fighting over Agnes because she didn't want to leave him."

Dr. Banks scolded, "Red, you have not made an honest woman out of her after 2 years of living together and she gave you a child? I could understand if she didn't wish to marry but honestly....I know you are leery of marriage but I think she has proven she's not going to leave you. You gave her your power of attorney for Pete's sake."

Liz said, "Wait.. I have your power of attorney? I thought Dembe was..."

Dr. Banks replied, "How else do you think you are in this room? No one is allowed in here except You, the child and Dembe. You are the only 3 he trusts. Honestly Red...I wonder where your head is sometimes...No don't answer that...I can see where it was all too often." He left the couple to talk alone.

Liz asked, "Why? Why give me power of attorney? You don't want to be my husband..."

Red replied, "Because far as I am concerned....I am married to you, Lizzie. I trust you to make the right decision for me if I can't. I trust you with my life. I...always have. In my....heart...You ARE my wife. Have been for...quite some time. Dembe had it because....you were gone."

Liz asked, "What other surprised have you not told me?"

Red sighed, "When you were...gone..I had left my businesses to Dembe....My money though was to go to Masha upon my death as a trust fund until she was 18 years old. She would also receive a letter from me about both you and Katerina so she knew her about her maternal side."

Liz sighed, "Amazing... I told you I didn't want your money but yet you still did it anyway."

Red replied, "Lizzie, you were dead! Tom was a terrible father. I could at least make sure she was taken care off when she became of age. She could get an education and be whatever she wanted to be. She could know I gave a damn about her."

Liz gasped, "You loved her even then. When you thought she was Tom's."

Red replied, "Yeah. I did. I loved her even then. Why shouldn't I? She was all I had left of you, Lizzie. She was the daughter of the woman I loved. Even if she was Tom's she was still yours. I was willing to die to protect her even then. Tom made it perfectly clear he didn't want me to be part of her life."

Liz replied, "I'm sorry, Raymond. I didn't know what happened after I left. I should have realized he would do that. He hated you about as much as you hated him."

Red replied, "It doesn't matter anymore. He ran out on you but I never have. I have always been there when you needed me, Lizzie."

Liz replied, "I know. That's why I did what I did. I was in love with you even then and I was afraid if I didn't do something....I'd be watching you die because of me. I just couldn't deal with that."

Red replied, "You almost killed me anyway. Without you....I had a death wish. When Solomon didn't kill me, I turned to drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. I even slit my wrists once in an attempt to end the pain."

Liz turned his hand palm up and ran her finger over the scar above his wrist. She replied, "I had a feeling that's what these scars were from but I couldn't ask after we had....What happened?"

Red replied, "Dembe found me and brought me here. They changed my meds and Dembe wouldn't leave me alone for longer than a few minutes at a time."

Liz carded her fingers through his and squeezed his hand before saying, "I'm sorry, Raymond. I just don't understand why you never want o marry me. I've given you child and have lived with you for two years and have every intention of being with you until you die."

Red sighed, "I don't want you to feel trapped. I feel that after the disaster with....Tom...you'd feel trapped if we got married. Especially if you ever...were unhappy being with me. Someday....you may find a young man that.....you are much happier with as a....husband. You don't need another messy relationship."

Liz said, "Not that I'd want one but why would it be messy?"

Red cleared his throat and replied, "There is more than one reason Carla faked her death....I refused to give her a divorce. I don't believe in it. Once you marry me....I will not EVER let you go, Lizzie. By not marry you...I am doing you the favor of having your freedom should you desire it. Granted you belong to me as long as you share my life and bed. I will not allow you to cheat without expressed permission as I don't cheat on you and will kill any man you go behind my back with...but if you wish to truly leave me and are honest about it...I will not stop you. I will fight for any children we share though. I will demand you either leave them with me or allow me full parental rights regardless."

Liz sighed, "I guess possessive doesn't quite describe you then."

Red replied, "No. Not really but it's the closest word there is to it. I will not share you with another man but if you marry me then you will never be able to have any relationship other than ours until I am dead and buried, Lizzie. I will NOT allow any other. Do you understand?"

Liz sighed, "Some of it yes but It's unimportant. I wish to be with you and only you, Raymond." 

Red sighed, "In 10 years you may change your mind."

Liz replied, "No...I won't."

Red sighed, "We'll see, Lizzie. We'll see." He was willing to consider asking her to marry her if she was still with him and happy in 10 years but he wasn't going to tell her that. That of course was if he was still alive by then seeing he would be 72.

Liz was grateful when Red was released from the hospital and took him home. She took some time off of work while she looked after him until he was recovered enough to be left alone for a few hours again.


	19. Surprise & Heartache

A couple months later Liz found herself in the bathroom throwing up and thought she had the flu. She went to the doctor and was surprised to find she was pregnant again. She had to laugh because she had only slept with Red 2 times and both he got her pregnant. She kept it to herself even though she knew he would be able to tell by looking at her if he was truly paying attention like he did last time. Luckily he was either too distracted or being polite by waiting until she was ready to tell him. One day when she gave him a glass of water she felt his hand on the swell of her belly and knew he had figured it out.

Red had noticed a change in Liz but at first he was to tired and ill to connect the dots. By about the 4th month he was starting to feel better and noticed Liz wearing looser clothes and the glow. It suddenly clicked that she was pregnant. One day as she handed him a drink while he sat on the sofa he gently placed a hand on her belly and felt the curve that wasn't there before. After he got his conformation he asked, "How long?"

Liz replied, "It's your child. How long do you think?"

Red whispered, "Mine? 4 months?"

Liz sighed, "Yes. Why wouldn't it be yours?"

Red replied, "Just hard to believe I slept with you twice and both times....I got you pregnant."

Liz replied, "Well. You are definitely fertile, Raymond. I give you that."

Red asked, "Are you going to....keep it?"

Liz groaned, "Why wouldn't I?"

Red replied, "I just wasn't sure after all that's happened....since we were intimate. You were going to leave before..."

Liz sat next to him on the sofa and grasped both hands in hers. She said, "Look at me, Raymond...I was angry..I'm still hurt but I love you. I am not going to get rid of OUR child just because I am angry at you. If I did that I would have gotten rid of Agnes as well. My question is do you want anything to do with this child?"

Red stammered, "Of course I do. If you didn't want it and were leaving...I'd take it in a heartbeat."

Liz replied, "I wasn't sure because you don't seem to want children."

Red sighed, "God no. It's not that. I am really too old for children with all my health problems but that doesn't mean I don't want them. I am well aware you want more children....I do not care either way. If we have more than we do...if not than we don't. I will not actively try to get you pregnant nor will I actively try to stop it from happening. I believe in letting mother nature choose. If you stay with me and we are intimate....and should that intimacy create a child...I am happy with that. I will love any children we may have together. I will raise them, clothe them, take care of all the bills and doctors visit and so on. I also would be perfectly content if the only child we ever had together was Masha. I am grateful for just having a family again."

Liz asked, "So you are ok with having a baby then?"

Red chuckled, "Yeah, Lizzie. I'm more than ok. I'm happy."

Liz replied, "Thank god. I was worried you'd be mad."

Red rasped, "Lizzie! I'm going to be a father again....My God. I'm going to be a father again!" He was both terrified and ecstatic. 

Liz kissed Red on the cheek and replied, "Congratulations, DAD."

Red asked, "Lizzie? Would...you come back and share my bed again? We are having a child again after all. Besides I....miss your warmth and comforting touches. I'm.....very lonely at night without you there."

Liz had stopped sleeping with Red since he was ill and didn't want to cause him any unnecessary distress so she had started sleeping in the guestroom she had used when she moved in. She replied, "All right...but no sex until the doctor clears it."

Red gasped, "Can you even have sex in your condition?"

Liz replied, "Yes. Some women have sex up until they are ready to give birth. Depends on how the woman feels. You didn't know that?"

Red shrugged, "No....Carla was 7 months along with Jenny when I came home and she never wanted it so I just assumed women were better off not having sex during pregnancy. I know there are adult videos with pregnant women but I just assumed they were an exception because of their profession."

Liz laughed, "For how worldly you are... How on earth did you not know that?"

Red replied, "I just never asked. After Jenny was born Carla never had another child with me....nor did I have the need to ask as my life as a criminal wasn't conducive to having children. It was just unimportant until now. If you want sex and I'm cleared then that's fine with me."

Liz sighed, "But then I'll be big as a house. You may not want to see me naked let alone sex."

Red replied, "Lizzie...There is nothing I find more beautiful and sexy than a pregnant woman. I'm almost embarrassed to admit...It's like an aphrodisiac to me. Especially if she is carrying my child. No I will have no problem being with you because of that."

Liz laughed, "You have a fetish for pregnant women don't you?"

Red shrugged and replied, "Yes. Among other things. Blondes, beautiful blue eyes, guns, strippers, but my biggest one I guess would be you. It had been......a long time since I actually had sex before I met you. I was unable to get in the mood..You changed that the night we created Masha. You are the only woman my body responds to anymore...Anything else is moot and doesn't matter because.......Nothing is more important to me than my family, Lizzie."

Liz replied, "I guess that explains why you were speechless when I dyed my hair. I thought it was because my mother was blonde."

Red chuckled, "You're mom's hair was a deep brown with dark cherry the last time I ever saw her. No it had nothing to do with her. Granted you have her figure but I was trying to hide that you had woken parts of me that I had long thought were dead. You are beautiful as you are but you are hotter than hell as a blue eye blonde. Now....Well you'll have to forgive me if I drool a lot as they say. The last time I had to hide it because you weren't mine to drool over."

Liz said, "Oh you were drooling over me when I was carrying Agnes?"

Red replied, "Privately yes. You were very pretty in that wedding dress...I just wanted to be the one you were wearing it for."

Liz replied, "Well in 4 months you could get your wish if you'd ask. I'll wear whatever wedding dress you'd like me too."

Red sighed, "As tempting as that beautiful image is...No...Badgering me about it will not change things, Lizzie. You know my reasons."

Liz sighed, "Someday you'll wish you had, Raymond. How many years are we going to waste fighting over it before you finally see that I'm here to stay and you make an honest woman out of me? This will be our second child."

Red sighed, "Lizzie....I refuse to be another one of your regretted marriages."

Liz sighed, "You are a stubborn jackass."

Red shrugged and watched her storm into the kitchen in frustration. He was grateful they weren't fighting over it anymore but she is persistent. The part that hurt the most was he wanted to marry her but was afraid she would change her mind in a few years. Once he married her he would never let her go so if she changed her mind she would be miserable until he died.. He loved her too much to do that to her so he refuses to marry her. He hated hurting her feelings but this way she would be able to leave if she wished. He looked up as Agnes came running in the door from school.

Agnes noticed mom was mad again and dad was depressed so she somehow figured they had another disagreement. She ran over to dad and hopped on the sofa next to him and kissed his cheek. She said, "Hi, daddy! How are you feeling?"

Red smiled at Agnes and replied, "I'm all right. How was your day at school?"

Agnes pulled out a drawing and handed it to him. She said, "I drew this for you."

Red looked at it and chuckled. She had a blocky image with a cane and fedora. The image of a child was next to the fedora figure then a bigger female he assumed was Liz and a dark colored figure he figured was Dembe. He hugged her and replied, "Thank you, Masha. Why don't you ask Lizzie to put it on the fridge?"

Agnes shook her head and replied, "No. Mommy mad..You fighting again?"

Red sighed, "Fighting?...No. Still disagreeing? Yeah."

Agnes sighed, "Still refusing to marry mommy?"

Red sighed, "Yeah."

Agnes whacked him on the back of the head and scolded, "I love you daddy but I think you are stupid too."

Red was surprised when his daughter hit him upside the head. The things he lets his 'wife' and children get away with he would beat anyone else up for doing. He sighed, "I hope you aren't hitting other people upside the head young lady... Not everyone will be as easy going about it as I am with you." To the criminal world he was a bulldog but to his family he was an oversized soft pussy cat.

Agnes blushed and replied, "No, daddy. I don't hit others...I just thought you needed sense knocked into you."

Red replied, "Hit me to hard and you may hear something rattle around but that doesn't mean I have any more sense."

Agnes giggled, "Did you just call yourself dumb, daddy?"

Red chuckled, "Either that or that I got a screw loose." He noticed Liz was mad all through dinner and the rest of the evening. Later that night when he went to bed he didn't expect Liz to slide into his bed after he was half asleep. He mumbled, "I love you, Lizzie."

Liz crawled into Red bed because she was tired of fighting and being alone at night too. She got too used to sharing his bed. She kissed his cheek and replied, " I know. I love you too, Raymond. Go to sleep."

Red mumbled, "Stay." He was fighting to stay awake by this point. 

Liz replied, "I'll stay. Now sleep." She watched him finally give up fighting his sleeping pill and gently kissed his forehead before curling up on his shoulder with a hand on his belly. She was hurt that he wouldn't marry her but yet she didn't doubt that he loved her. She knew she was his light at the end of the cave. She just couldn't understand his reasons for not marrying her. She loved him and though she may threaten to leave him out of anger she would come back. Now she was carrying his second child. She has stood by his side since the day they met even when she wanted to kill him at times.

When Red was finally declared healthy enough for sex and flying again Liz was 8 months pregnant. Every night he went to bed with his hand resting on the swell of her belly to try and catch their child kicking as he fell asleep. 

Liz had been surprised when Red made love to her one night and practically worshipped her baby bump. He showered it with kisses every time he could if he wasn't busy kissing her or driving her crazy with his wonderful tongue. There were a couple times he spent kissing her bump while he used his fingers to driver her wild. She was more than satisfied and exhausted when the night was over. She had gotten used to him kissing her bump and looking for their baby to kick before he fell asleep. Sometimes he would fall asleep with his head on her bump. She had to admit he had had been very conscientious and attentive since he had noticed she was pregnant. She woke up some time later soaking wet. She also could feel cramping. She shook Red but he was so deep asleep she had to bitch slap him repeatedly and yell until he finally woke.

Red was painfully forced out of a deep sleep and was going to yell until he realized it was Liz's terrified voice and hands trying to wake him. He sat up and rasped, "What, Lizzie?"  
Liz stammered, "Something's wrong. I think my water broke. Put the light on, Raymond."

Red turned the light on and gasped at all the blood and water on the sheets. He hollered, "Dembe! Lizzie needs the hospital now! Something's wrong with the baby!" He helped her get to the car after quickly putting something on her. Agnes stayed with Dembe while he went with Liz. He waited outside the emergency room while they tried to help her. When the doctor came out he asked, "Is she all right?"

Dr. Logan replied, "You are Raymond? Yes. She is weak and lost a lot of blood but will recover."

Red asked, "The baby?"

Dr. Logan sighed, "I'm sorry. Your son didn't make it. He was still born."

Red asked, "We were.....intimate earlier tonight...Did that have anything to do with it?"

Dr. Logan replied, "No. Intimacy is completely normal during pregnancy. The most common reasons for a still birth is that something is wrong with how the child is forming or it dies in the womb. Like a major birth defect or deformity that the baby can't survive with."

Red asked, "What would cause something like that?"

Dr. Logan replied, "It just happens. It's not anyone's fault."

Red asked, "Will she be able to still have children?"

Dr. Logan replied, "We will run some tests just to make sure but if everything comes back all right then there should be no problem with her having more children."

Red replied, "I only ask because....Lizzie...She wants more children...as do I if it's possible. We only have one child right now. I'm too old to adopt any with so the only way for us to have children is the natural way. I am happy with our daughter but I want her to be able to have more children if she wants too."

Dr. Logan replied, "We will make sure she is thoroughly checked out then. I will let you know as soon as all the results are in. You can see her now if you want."

Red replied, "Thank you." He slipped inside and sat next to her and took her hand. He could tell she was asleep so he let her sleep. His sleeping pill was finally wearing off and he was able to stay awake without pacing back and forth. He eventually must have nodded off though.

Liz woke some time after the doctor's were gone to see Red sitting in the chair with his eyes closed by her bed holding her hand. She gently squeezed his hand and called, "Raymond?" She saw his eyes snap open before registering where he was and moving the chair closer.

Red rasped, "Lizzie... How are you feeling?"

Liz replied, "Like my guts were just ripped out. I'm sorry....The baby."

Red ran his free hand over her hair and replied, "Shhh. It's all right. The doctor said it wasn't our fault he died at birth. That there are many reason for a child to be still born."

Liz whispered, "He? Oh...Raymond..I lost your son? I'm so sorry."

Red replied, "It's all right. It wasn't meant to be, Lizzie. The doctors are going to make sure you are all right to try again....if you want to of course."

Liz whispered, "We should give him a name so he can be properly buried."

Red rasped, "All right...Tell me what to call him and I'll make sure he is properly buried."

Liz asked, "What was your father's name?"

Red replied, "Peter."

Liz replied, "Call him Peter Samuel Reddington."

Red replied, "All right. Peter Samuel Reddington. Rest for a while. I'll take care of it." He kissed her on the forehead and called Kate to pick up their son and find a cemetery to buy a set of family plots in. He may as well take care of that now as he all ready needs one. He was grateful when he found out that Kate had bought a set of plots next to Sam so the whole family would be together. When Liz was feeling up to it they had a small funeral for Peter. He was born in Nebraska and it was fitting that his son be buried there with the only family he has every truly had.

Liz was shocked to find out that Red bought family plots in Nebraska of all places but she was also grateful that her whole family would be there next to Sam. When the small gathering was over she said, "Thank you, Raymond. Maybe he won't be lonely seeing that Sam is here. I know it's silly..."

Red replied, "No, sweetheart. He should be with family and Sam is his grandfather. I felt the same way. He couldn't be with family in life but he should be able to be in death. Sam will take care of him. He always good at taking care of those that mean a lot to me. He'll be all right with Sam until we finally meet him when it's our time."

Liz said, "I'm sorry.."

Red wrapped his arms around her and replied, "It's not your fault. I'm just glad you are all right. It would have been nice to have a son but it just wasn't meant to be, Lizzie." When he got on the plane he sat looking out the window with his right leg crossed over his left. He eventually felt Agnes sit beside him.

Agnes sat with dad on the flight home and asked, "Daddy? Why did Peter go to heaven so soon?"

Red replied, "Because God must have had a higher plan for him, Masha."

Agnes asked, "Will I ever meet him?"

Red replied, "Maybe someday when you go to heaven."

Agnes asked, "Is he lonely?"

Red replied, "No. I don't think so. Your grandpa Sam will keep him company. Sam will have him in all sorts of mischief."

Agnes replied, "Daddy? I'm sorry Peter couldn't stay with us for a while."

Red wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. He whispered, "Me too, sweetheart. Me too." He wasn't a religious man but he knew Liz was trying to raise Agnes to believe in God. He lost his faith a very long time ago but he wasn't against children learning to believe in a high power. In cases like these it was easier to explain things like death to a child.

Agnes asked, "You're not going with Peter are you daddy?"

Red looked down at her and asked, "What brought that on?"

Agnes whispered, " Peter needs someone to take care of him..I don't want to lose you too, daddy."

Red replied, "I'm not going to leave you.. Not for quite a while yet, Masha. Besides Sam will take care of him. I trusted Sam to take care of your mom and he did a wonderful job. Peter will be fine in heaven with Sam. In fact Sam was a wonderful father."

Agnes replied, "You're staying with us?"

Red hugged her and replied, "Yeah, Masha. I'm staying with you for as long as I can so don't worry you're pretty little head." 

Agnes replied, "OK, daddy. I love you."

Red kissed the top of her head and replied, "I know you do. I love you too." He felt her snuggle into his side before he realized she was asleep. He put on his reading glasses and carefully and quietly read the newspaper while she slept against his side. He had an idea what had triggered her questions...It was the heart attack he had some time ago. She acts unaffected but sometimes her fear of losing him shines through her brave exterior. Sometime he hated being so much older than Liz because he shouldn't be a father at this point in his life. He wouldn't trade it for anything in the world but the fact still remains that he is in his 60's. When Agnes had been born he was still able to keep up with her at 56 but now...with his bum leg and hip...as well as a bad heart? He was lucky she wasn't a hyper child that gets into trouble. She was just as happy sitting with him while he regaled her with tales instead of running him into the ground by having to chase her.

Liz was trying to keep it together for her family but she had really wanted more children. She was grateful that Agnes was content with Red giving her attention because she didn't think she could deal with Agnes demanding her attention at the moment. She was devastated she had lost the baby and it bothered her in a way that Red could just seem to brush it off like it's...unimportant that they had just buried their SON. That he didn't seem to..care all that much. If it wasn't for his adoration and devotion to Agnes she would think he was incapable of feeling anything for his own children. Before hearing about how devastated he was when she faked her death she wondered if he was a sociopath because he was so cold and distant in almost every situation. He was so indifferent to someone dying right in front of him while he ate grapes or loosing someone that should have mattered to him. He just didn't seem to care at all about anything. The only two things that she saw get a reaction out of him at all was when something happened to Dembe or herself but even then the reaction was muted usually. Now he was just reading the damn newspaper like as if it was just a normal day. It frustrated her to no end sometimes because she NEEDED him to care that they just buried their son.

Red was trying to distract himself from thinking about their son. He couldn't concentrate to even do something simple like read the paper. He had learned to hide his feelings out of necessity so his enemies wouldn't know anything. He learned to block things and grieve in private. He may not have planned to be a father to another child but he..had been happy at the thought. He blamed himself for the lose even if it made no sense too. He believes it's God's way of punishing him for wanting a normal live after all the monstrous things he had done. He didn't deserve a second chance at happiness but that doesn't stop him from...gravitating to it.

Liz got angry and hissed, "How can you be so unaffected?"

Red folded the paper and set it aside as he replied, "I'm not unaffected. I just bury the pain and move on. It's pointless to dwell on something we couldn't do anything about. I've learned that over the years. The only grief I couldn't bury was when I thought I had lost you. It devastated me to the point that I couldn't move on."

Liz growled, "But he was your son...How can you not grieve?"

Red sighed, "I AM grieving, Lizzie. You forget who I was for 20 years.... I have had to hide my grief in public. When we are home I will grieve for the loss of our son."

Liz hissed, "How can you just brush it aside? I can't.."

Red sighed, "It is different for men..While I feel the loss of Peter...It isn't the same devastating loss you feel. I can NEVER grieve the same way you do..I can NEVER understand the loss you feel right now, Lizzie. You carried him enabling you to bond with him in your own way. I couldn't truly bond with him until he was born. That's the downfall of being a man. We bond with the children as we raise them because we are unable to carry them."

Liz hissed, "That's a new one. I think you're just relieved."

Red growled, "How dare you say that, Lizzie. I know you are angry but you have no right.....For you to accuse me of not wanting this child....."

Liz yelled, "You said yourself you didn't care if I have any more children or not."

Red smacked his hand down hard on the table next to his seat and felt Agnes jolt awake beside him. He ignored it and yelled, "Dammit, Lizzie. I know you are hurting and angry but I am getting tired of being your God damn whipping post. Every time you get angry or hurt you take it out on me and I have bit my tongue but this time you have gone too far. That's not what I meant and you know it. I NEVER once said I didn't WANT more children. Only that I wasn't going to go out of my way to have more because of my age. Don't you ever think for ONE second that I don't WANT any child we may have together. I..." He felt Agnes pulling on his vest and held her close to him as he sighed, "I love you, Lizzie. I wanted to be a part of Peter's life just like you did and I am grateful to be a part of Masha's more than you can even imagine. I would NEVER not want our children no matter what. I just don't expect to be blessed with more. I'm happy whether we have 1 or 10 children. I am grateful for the family I have and if it grows than that's wonderful. If not...I accept that as well. I am OLD and count every day I have with you a blessing as well as the family we have regardless of the number of children in it."

Liz cried, "I'm sorry. I..didn't really mean it..."

Red replied, "I know...Just DON'T ever think for one second that I am not bereaved by losing a child. I may not show it but I am grieving their loss like you are."

Liz sobbed, "I just ....can't understand....God, Raymond.....Why?"

Red gently prodded Agnes to sit up and went to sit next to Liz before wrapping his arms around her and kissing her temple. He rasped, "I'm sorry....I don't know." He held her while she sobbed and did his best to comfort her. He wished he had all the answers but he didn't. He wished he knew why Carla and Jenny hated him so much they faked their deaths to get away from him even before he became the monster he is now. He was grateful Agnes was still for the most part too little yet to grieve the loss of her brother. His leg was throbbing from standing during the service but he was trying to ignore it. He was surprised by the small tug on the back of his vest before Agnes handed him his pain pills and a bottle of water.

Agnes had noticed it was past the time she usually gave her dad his pain pills so she got them out of his bag and a bottle of water before pulling on his vest. She noticed the pain etched on his face as he took then and said, "You should not have waited so long to take your pills, daddy."

Red kissed the top of Agnes' head in gratitude and replied, "I know, sweetheart. Thank you. Don't know what I'd do without you to remind me."

Agnes cocked her head to the side in a mimic of her dad's and replied, "You'd forget to take them at all."

Red chuckled, "You're probably right, Masha. I'm getting forgetful in my old age."

Agnes proudly said, "Don't worry. I love you anyway. Besides someone has to remind you of stuff when you get old and demented."

Red chuckled, "Dementia. Not demented, Masha."

Agnes replied, "Oh. Sorry."

Red kissed her forehead and replied, "It's all right. I know what you meant."

Agnes asked, "Will you play poker with me, daddy?"

Liz said, "Go ahead. I'll be all right."

Red got Dembe to join them and they passed the time playing poker until they landed back in the Caribbean. He did watch Liz out of the corner of his eye as he played and was relieved when she fell asleep because she needed it. When they landed he limped over to Liz by using the backs of the seats and woke her up to get off the plane. When they got home he retreated to his study to grieve in private with a glass of whiskey. He eventually gave into his desire to lash out and threw his tumbler against the wall in anger where it shattered. He was leaning over with his head in his hands when he felt a pair of hands pull them away. He looked into Liz's bloodshot eyes as she knelt on the floor in front of him. When she wrapped her arms around his waist he finally gave in and collapsed in her arms sobbing.

Liz had come looking for Red and heard a crash in the study and saw the busted tumbler and her lover leaning over in his chair. She knelt in front of him, got him to look at her and wrapped her arms around him. That seemed to be the trigger because he started to shake and sob in her arms. She suddenly realized how good he was at hiding how he feels because he rarely ever let her see him like this in the whole time she's known him. He has a very convincing 'poker face' that leads many to believe he's unaffected by almost everything.

When Red started to run out of tears he pulled away and leaned back in his chair. He tightly held Liz's hand and rasped, "Sorry, Lizzie. I'm supposed to be the strong one.."

Liz replied, "No, Raymond. It's all right. I needed to see it.....I needed to know you feel the pain that I feel too. That you aren't an unfeeling sociopath."

Red rasped, "My life would have been so much easier if I was a sociopath. Sadly I'm not....I learned how to....pretend I don't care. Granted in some cases I've just gone numb to it like killing enemies. I really could care less about killing my enemies but losing a member of my family? That's different. I can hide it but it still effects me. Sooner or later I lose the battle to grief."

Liz said, "You don't have to hide from me. You should know that by now. I love you...even when you fall apart."

Red rasped, "I...know... It's an automatic defense mechanism. I can't show emotion very well when others are around unless I am falling apart. Years of conditioning myself to hide how I feel...makes it hard for me to grieve unless I am alone."

Liz sighed, "Why don't we go to bed, Raymond? It's getting late and...I'd just like you to hold me for a while."

Red nodded before he got up and followed her to his room and found his meds on the nightstand with a glass of water. He knew Agnes had put them there before she went to bed and had to smile at how devoted she was to him even though she had only been with him for 2 years. He did his nightly routine and changed into a pair of sleep pants and a loose Tee-shirt before taking his pills and laying down. He felt Liz crawl in next to him and rolled to his side to face her.

Liz carded her fingers through his hair and kissed his forehead. She said, "I'm glad you have your hair longer now. I like running my fingers through it. It's so soft and fluffy."  
Red grumbled, "You forgot going gray, thinning, and receding." He had shaved his head so short while he was with the FBI because he felt unkempt with his hair longer but after losing Liz he just didn't bother with it. He never once thought she's find the longer hair more appealing but here she was carding her fingers through his hair and massaging his scalp. 

Liz kissed his receding forehead and replied, "I know it bothers you but I love you just the way you are, Raymond. Receding gray hair and all. Besides you always wear those fedoras anyway. Granted they are sexy on you."

Red yawned, "I'm old and fat, Lizzie. I'm past being sexy."

Liz slipped her hand under his tee to gently rub his fuzzy, soft, round belly and kissed him firmly on the lips. She replied, "You're sexy to me. That's all that should matter."

Red chuckled, "You're right. You do share my bed after all."

Liz replied, "It had better stay that way too."

Red snorted, "I can barely keep up with you. Why would I want another in my bed as well? Ow." 

Liz slapped his belly and replied, "Oh so if you were younger you'd have another woman on the side?"

Red replied, "Of course not, Lizzie. I may have had many people share my bed over the years but when I am in a committed relationship I am completely monogamous. No you have my heart and old tired body until I die."

Liz lightly scratched his belly and replied, "Good because I don't share well either. You have no idea how jealous I have been of the women I'd see you with since we met."

Red replied, "Probably about as jealous as I was of Tom."

Liz snuggled against his chest and replied, "Yeah. Especially after I fell in love with you."

Red wrapped his arms around her and replied, "You have no reason to be jealous anymore.....I love you...and I'm not going anywhere." He kissed her forehead and felt his sleeping pill starting to kick in s his eyes started to droop closed.

Liz felt his breathing slow down and realized he had fallen asleep. She whispered, "I love you too." She snuggled as close as she could and was soothed by his warmth and light snoring as she nodded off.


	20. First Day of School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a kind a flashback.... I just realized I already had her going to school in a previous chapter.

Red wound up with bronchitis in the early fall that cause chest pains and his heart to race. He had a hard time breathing as well and needed an inhaler. After a month he was finally starting to get better but he was still ordered to rest and not push himself. A few days later he took Agnes to her first day of school. He was dressed as the Concierge of Crime in his full 3 piece suit and fedora. He knew it would be hard for her to be without him so her first day he asked the teacher if she minded he stayed to show Agnes she didn’t have to be afraid. He sat in the back and watched as his little girl eventually opened up and started making friends. At recess he was surprised when the teacher came over to chat to him.

Miss Jones said, “Your granddaughter is a lovely child.”

Red ‘s cheek twitched but he ignored it and replied, “Yes. Agnes is very friendly and out going once she gets used to a new setting. She just has always been with me so I wanted to be here in case she got upset today.”

Miss Jones replied, “Well she’s doing very well.”

Red replied, “I want you to understand. That child is the center of my world. ANYTHING happens to her that you or anyone else could prevent then you will know my wrath so I would suggest you take very good Care of her while she is here. If anything ordinary happens to her and she wants me then you call me. I will come right over if I need too. I would also appreciate it if you keep a record of everything that happens to her in this notebook. I will be in every week to read it and if I see it is missing anything I will be all over you. I want to know when, how and why she was hurt.”

Miss Jones was suddenly scared of this middle aged man and stammered, “Of course, if she needs you we will contact you immediately. As for the book….Our teachers have more than one student to take care of than just your granddaughter, Mr..?”

Red replied, “Reddington. Raymond Reddington.” He smirked as it dawned on the teacher she was in the presence of a ruthless killer.

Miss Jones was terrified now because this man could kill her in an instant and not care if anything happened to that child. She stammered, “Oh. Well we’ll make sure it’s filled out.”

Red replied, “Good.”

Agnes met a new friend and was playing with her in the playground when she heard the bell to go back inside. She saw her father smile warmly at her before she took her seat.   
When school was over Red got her in the car and they went home. He said, “See..You’ll be all right at school.”

Agnes replied, “But If I go to school who will keep you company and take care of you, daddy?”

Red chuckled, “Dembe is always with me. I’ll be fine until you get home, Masha.”

Agnes sighed, “Oh ok. You be here to pick me up?”

Red replied, “Yeah. If that’s what you want we’ll be here to pick you up, sweetheart. “ 

Agnes wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. She said, “I worry about you. I love you, daddy.” She settled down against his shoulder and closed her eyes.  
Red kissed the top of her head and replied, “I know you do.” He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and laced his hand with her much smaller one. After they got home he stripped off his suit jacket and tie. He also unbuttoned his vest and his first couple of shirt buttons. He sat on the sofa and lit a cigar and chuckled when Agnes jumped on the sofa next to him and gently pressed her hand into his soft belly. He asked, “What is your fascination with my fat belly?”

Agnes hopped up on the sofa next to him and pressed her hand into his soft belly. She giggled, “It’s soft and squishy!” She unbuttoned a couple of buttons of his shirt over his belly and slipped her hand in to run her small fingers through the fuzzy hair on his belly before giggling, “You’re furry too. You remind me of a cuddly teddy bear, daddy.”

Red chuckled, “You are the only one to ever compare me to a teddy bear. Usually I’m more likely compared to a grizzly bear.” He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. He then leaned back again and took a drag on his cigar. He felt her burrow into his neck with her nose and chuckled as she did this because it tickled a bit.

Agnes murmured, “I like how you smell and the rumble you make when you talk. It’s soothing for me.”She saw the scar on his neck and asked, “How did you get this scar?”

Red took a drag on his cigar and replied, “Your mom stabbed me with a pen after we first met. She was very angry that day. I fell madly in love with her that day.”

Agnes giggled, “Mommy hurt you and you fell in love with her? Only you, daddy.”

Red shrugged and replied, “What can I say… I’m a masochist.” He had to be because Liz hurt him time and time again whether physically or emotionally and he still worshiped the ground she walked on. After he finished his cigar he took her outside to play in their yard for a while before he made dinner. He could tell he wasn’t feeling very well and knew he’d pushed himself too much today when he started to feel chest pains. He knew he had to stop and rest before the warning sighs turned into an actual heart attack.   
Agnes suddenly noticed her father looked very pale and sick so she grabbed his free hand and drug him to his bedroom and gently pushed him down on the bed. She said, “Rest, Daddy. You don’t look good.”

Red sighed, “Honestly…I don’t feel good either.”

Agnes asked, “Why?”

Red rasped, “My heart. I think I pushed myself to hard today. Did too much. I do need to rest for a while then I should be all right.”

Agnes wrapped her arms around his waist and cried, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you sick.”

Red held her and replied, “It’s not your fault, sweetheart. I know my limits. I shouldn’t have pushed them.” He let go of her and lay down on the bed after taking his shoes off and held his hand out to her. He smiled when she crawled on the bed next to him and started combing his hair with her small fingers. After a while he felt her go to leave and rasped, “Stay, Masha? Please? It’ll help me sleep if I know you are safe next to me.”

Agnes replied, “OK, Daddy.” She then curled up on his good side and put her head on his shoulder. She felt his arm wrap around her shoulders and card through her hair. She felt the movement slow and his breathing get deeper. She snuggled into his side with a hand on his belly under his shirt and nodded off to sleep with him. She woke some time later to a sound and noticed her mom was home. She carefully kissed his cheek and then got up while trying not to disturb him. She followed her mom to the kitchen and said, “Daddy not feeling well, mommy. Said he did too much today.”

Liz replied, “All right. Why don’t you go outside with Dembe and play for a bit?”

Agnes replied, “But daddy wanted me to stay with him.”

Liz replied, “It’s all right. I’ll let him know where you are when he wakes up. Now run along and play while I set the table.” She had gotten the table set and went to check on Red. She sat next to him on the bed and ran her fingers through his hair. She smiled when he opened his eyes to look at her and said, “Hello, Raymond. I hear your aren’t feeling well.”  
Red croaked, “Masha?” He was worried because she wasn’t lying next to him.

Liz replied, “She’s outside playing. Dembe’s keeping an eye on her.”

Red closed his eyes and sighed in relief at that news. He was worried that she may have wandered off while he slept. He cleared his throat and rasped, “My chest was hurting. I tried to do too much today.”

Liz sighed, “Raymond, you are still recovering from being ill. You know better than to push yourself.”

Red sighed, “I know, Lizzie. I just….didn’t want to disappoint Masha. I…. couldn’t bear the thought that she felt like I don’t love her.”

Liz sighed, “She knows you love her. She’s well aware you are not a well man and that you recently had acute bronchitis. She watched you gasping for breath and wheezing. Not to mention the pain you had from simply trying to breath. You were very close to getting pneumonia.”

Red sighed, “Yeah. I know.” He felt Liz take his hand and entwine their fingers together. After a few minutes he sat up and re-buttoned his shirt where Agnes had slipped her hand in. He grabbed his cane and stood up before following Liz out of their room. He went out on the porch and watched Agnes playing in the yard with a smile. The one thing in his life he would never regret was being Agnes’ father. She was his life and most joyful part of his life. He loved Liz as well but Agnes…She was a second chance he never dreamed he would ever have again.

Agnes looked up and saw her father standing on the porch with the breeze ruffling his hair and vest. She hopped up and ran over yelling, “Daddy! You’re up! You ok?” She barreled into him and wrapped her arms around his waist while resting her head against his upper belly. She felt his free hand settle on top of her head.

Red chuckled, “Yeah, sweetheart. I’m fine. You want to tell Dembe for me it’s time for dinner?” He felt her nod against his belly before she ran off to get Dembe. He shook his head and chuckled in amusement as he limped back into the house leaning on his cane. A few seconds later he felt a pair of small hands slip between his belt and back of his shirt. He felt her other hand come around and grab the front of his shirt as well. He draped his arm around her shoulders as they walked side by side. When they got to the kitchen he sat in his usual chair while Liz filled the plates on the table. He had his hand resting on the table and felt Agnes grab it and he squeezed it to reassure her he was all right. 

Agnes watched her father out of the corner of her eye as he ate dinner. She noticed he didn’t seem to have much of an appetite tonight but he wasn’t as pale as before. He had more color and didn’t look sick anymore. She finished her dinner and went in the living room to play with her stuffed animals. She watched as her father came in and sat on the sofa. She took her favorite teddy bear and sat next to him on the sofa. She curled up against his side and un-buttoned two buttons again to slip her hand in his shirt to tickle his belly. She felt him trying to suppress his reaction to her tickling as his belly jiggled slightly.

Red suppressed a laugh as Agnes found a ticklish spot on his belly and heard her giggle. He chuckled, “You are mischievous tonight, Masha.”He felt her poke his belly lightly in response to his observation. He just shook his head in amusement and kissed the top of her head. When she started playing pretend with her stuffed animal he played along. When it was time to get ready for bed he sat against Agnes’ headboard and read her a story while she rested her head over his heart. After he kissed her good night he went and got changed for bed and took his night pills. He wrapped his arm around Liz as she settled next to him.


	21. Spoiling Agnes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everywhere Red goes he buys something for Agnes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok Sorry it took so long to get the next chapter up. My life has been crazy since I last updated but no I didn't forget about it.
> 
> I know they have Red being Lizzie's father now... gah
> 
> I don't believe he is actually her father because the uniform that was used was old and I look at it that while it may have been his uniform that doesn't guarantee that it's his blood on it. So until they take blood out of his arm and match it to here's I don't believe it lol. So every story I write will either have a loophole like that or I will just skip over most if not everything from the last episode of season four onward. 
> 
> Anywhooo... Here's the next chapter. Enjoy :)

It took a few weeks but Red was proud that Agnes was finally all right with going to school without him during the day again. He had to admit though the house felt very empty with Agnes at school and Liz at work all day. He was very happy when it was time to pick up his little girl every day. He had to go on a few business trips but usually managed to get home before he had to pick Agnes up from school. He would always bring her a present when he went on a trip. It was usually a doll or stuffed animal but once and a while he brought home a piece of jewelry that reminded him of her. On one of his first trips after she was old enough to appreciate jewelry he brought her home a beautiful rose gold locket with the engraving “To my beloved Masha, you are the light of my life, Love Daddy.” It had the image of a teddy bear engraved on the front of it to remind her of him because she calls him a teddy bear. When he picked her up he handed her the box and said, “I have a gift for you, Masha.”

Agnes opened the box and her eyes teared up at the teddy bear on the locket and then the inscription on the back. She whispered, “It’s lovely, daddy. Thank you.”

Red quietly replied, “Your mom has a few pictures of us that she can put in the locket. I just thought of you when I saw it.” That much was true. Since they became a family Lizzie was constantly snapping pictures of them left and right. In fact he has more family pictures up in their home than he ever had with his first family. He was surprised when he noticed Agnes wearing the locket later that day. He remembered seeing her wear it every day until the day he died. The only time she wasn’t wearing it was when she came home one afternoon from school without it and was crying over its loss. He made sure it got found and returned because until that moment he had not realized how much that silly locket meant to her. He had thought about just buying her a new one but realized it wouldn’t mean the same to her.

Agnes had her mom find pictures of her and her father for the locket and then put it on her. She would wear that locket her whole life. The chain would change but she would never take it off except to bath or swim. She wore it to school every day. It was very important to her. She only lost it once but she got it back. She later realized it was the most precious gift he had ever given to her except for his love. A way to carry him with her always even after he was gone he would still be with her.

One day Red did something silly and bought Agnes her own light blue fedora and a light blue raincoat to match it for when it rained. He was surprised how much she loved that set and wore it to school all the time or whenever she went out with him and it was cooler out. He shook his head and smiled in amusement when she hopped in the car with it one every day. He Got scolded by Lizzie but he told her, “Masha has always loved my fedoras so why can’t she one of her own?” One day he was late picking her up because he was called away on sudden business. He had to send Baz to pick her up because he was detained with a business deal he couldn’t walk out on. He called Agnes from the plane. He said, “Hi, sweetheart. Sorry I wasn’t there to pick you up. I had important business. I’ll be home soon, Masha.”

Agnes whined, “You promised you’d pick me up every day. I was afraid something happened when you didn’t come for me, daddy.”

Red sighed, “I know. I’m sorry. I wasn’t given a choice. I’m on my way now. I’ll be there in a couple of hours.”

Agnes asked, “Where did you go?”

Red replied, “Russia. I bought you a present though. I’ll see you soon.” He had bought her a hand crafted Russian doll. He was sure she was going to love it. He also got her a original Russian dress. He knew how she loved dolls and stuffed animals. He took a cat nap after getting off the phone with her until they landed back in the islands. He got home and Agnes flew into his arms before he could even say hello. He gave her the doll and she drug him over where she was playing on the floor by the sofa. He smiled as she introduced “Anya” to the rest of her dolls and animals. He had also brought Liz a few items as well as she was Russian by birth.

Agnes said, “Thank you, daddy! I love her!”

Red chuckled, “I thought you might.” When he got home he sat in the living room with a glass of scotch and watch Agnes play on the floor with her new doll. Later that night after Agnes went to bed he was again sitting in the living room with a scotch and this time he had a cigar as well. He looked up to see Lizzie standing in the doorway with that look of disapproval on her face. He sighed, “What have I done now, Lizzie?”

Lizzie replied, “You are spoiling Agnes, Raymond.”

Red growled, “And why shouldn’t I? She’s my daughter as well or has that changed?”

Lizzie groaned, “No it hasn’t change but she shouldn’t be spoiled like this. She may turn out to be a spoiled rotten brat.”

Red growled, “Masha is too sweet to become a spoiled rotten brat. Lizzie I…. have very few ways to show her that I love her. One of which is spoiling her. I can’t be like other fathers… I’m a crippled old man. I can’t run and play with her like Tom could have.”

Lizzie replied, “She’ll get too used to getting what she wants and when you’re gone… I won’t be able to do it, Raymond. You have all the money in the world but I don’t dammit.”

Red sighed, “Yes you do, Lizzie. My people have orders to liquidate my assets upon my death and give some of the money to each of my people but the lion’s share will go to you and Masha. You will have millions. I gave you my word that I will always take care of you both even after I take my last breath. You are my family, Lizzie and with that you will always be taken care of by me one way or the other. Dembe and Baz will remain with you. I have arranged for them to have their own share of my money for their loyalty.”

Lizzie replied, “You shouldn’t make them remain with us.”

Red sighed, “I’m not. Dembe stays with me out of friendship and love. Baz stays out of dedication and loyalty. They want to stay by your side. They are the only ones I would ever trust to keep you safe after I am gone. I am grateful they want to stay with you. Dembe has gotten very attached to Masha and both are very fond of you.”

Lizzie replied, “I don’t want to talk about this right now. I just can’t.”

Red replied, “What? My death? It will happen eventually, Lizzie. I am… old enough to be your father. I am unwell. I hope it doesn’t happen for quite some time yet because I want to be here to watch Masha grow up but it is inevitable and I have done everything I could to ensure you are both taken care in every way I can think of.”

Lizzie whispered, “I can’t bear the thought of loosing you. Agnes would be heartbroken even more than I would be. You are everything to her. She adores you.”

Red sighed, “I know. That’s why I hope she is grown up before death takes me because it would break my heart to watch her lose the only father she’s ever known. She has been my world since the way you came back into my life. At this point I don’t even really care if she is my flesh and blood. She’s mine now regardless of DNA. As for you I love you and trust you with my life. You are my companion, mother of my child, lover, and most importantly my friend. I’m not one to easily talk about feelings but I want you to know that you and Masha are everything to me, Lizzie.” By this time he had finished his cigar and had 2 glasses of scotch. He decided it was time to call it a night before he drank anymore.

Lizzie watched Red walk out of the study and followed him to the kitchen where he washed his whiskey glass before getting a glass of water. She followed him to the bedroom where he took out his pills and took them with the water before getting undressed. She decided to get changed as well into a tank and shorts. Before she could get the tank on she was surprised to feel a pair of strong arms wrap around her and his hands cup her breasts while he kissed her neck and shoulder. She asked, “Are you feeling up to it tonight, Raymond?”

Red hummed against her skin before replying, “Yes, Lizzie. I need you tonight. Do you mind?”

Lizzie turned around and kissed him firmly on the lips and replied, “I don’t mind. I just don’t want you to push yourself too far.”She let him lead and smiled as she realized he wanted to make it last. He had always been an attentive and considerate lover to her.

Red made sure to make Lizzie happy in bed. She was so much younger than him that he wanted to make sure she was at least satisfied in bed for as long as he was able to make love to her. He knew a day may come that he’ll be too sick but it wasn’t here yet. He made slow passionate love to her. He didn’t seek his own orgasm until she was worn out from multiple ones of her own. Afterwards he rolled on his back and let hurl curl up on his shoulder and he kissed the top of her head. He mumbled, “Sorry, Lizzie. Sleeping pill is kicking in.”

Lizzie replied, “That’s all right, Raymond. I love you.” She wrapped an arm around his round belly and listed to his breathing deepen into sleep. Sometime after that she fell asleep herself.


	22. Scary Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red takes Agnes on a trip but disaster happens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I've said before this is cannon up until Lizzie faking her death but after that it's totally AU.

A few months later during school vacation he decided to take her on a trip to Japan with him. Liz opted to stay home and let them have a daddy/daughter trip. He was glad he took her because she was having a blast. He bought her all kinds of souvenirs. He bought her a Japanese made doll in a kimono as well as her own kimono. He bought her a geisha costume for Halloween and a small saki set to play pretend with her dolls at home. He even bought her a couple of stuffed Chinese dragons to add to her little family.

When they got to the hotel Agnes was jumping around and excited. She was bouncing and grabbed her father’s hand and gushed, “Thank you, daddy. This is a wonderful trip. I love Japan.” She sat next to him on the foot of the queen sized bed they had in their room and hugged him.

Red smiled and replied, “Your welcome. I’m glad you are enjoying yourself.” They stayed about 3 days before they flew home again. He was glad to be on his way home though because he was aching like hell from all the walking they had did. He put his feet up on the seat across from him on the plane and crossed them at the ankles. When they landed he let Agnes and Dembe get off the plane first and as he followed he felt a sharp pain knocked him off his feet. After he fell hard to the tarmac and tasted the coppery taste in his mouth he realized he was shot again. He felt small hands trying to put pressure on his chest, groaned and jerked in pain. He was gurgling and coughing up blood as he choked, “Masha…. Don’t be afraid.” He felt Dembe dragging him out of the way and could hear the child wailing sobs as he started to black out.

Agnes cried, “Daddy?? Don’t leave me! Please, daddy!” She couldn’t stop sobbing as she did as Dembe said and tried to keep as much pressure on her father’s wound as possible even though she knew she was hurting him. She was having a hard time dealing with all the blood. She was terrified he was dying. She heard tings and bangs all around them as Dembe worked to get her father in the car without getting them killed. By time they got to a hospital she was covered in her father’s blood and terrified to let him go. She curled up in Dembe’s arms after they pried her away from Red and rushed him into the ER. She was surprised when her mom showed up and took her to clean up and change. 

Liz said, “Agnes you need to get cleaned up. Do you want Raymond to come out of surgery and see you covered in his blood, hunny?” She was grateful this reasoning works with her daughter. After the girl was cleaned up and changed they all sat in the waiting room to wait. She was relieved when the doctor came out to see them.

Dr. Lemar said, “Mrs. Reddington?”

Liz replied, “It’s Mz. Milhoan. How is Raymond?”

Dr. Lemar replied, “He’s in recovery now. His left lung was pieced by a sniper bullet. We’ve repaired and pumped the blood out of his lung. He should make a full recovery. The bad news is we found a tumor on his lung which we removed without harming the lung and have sent it to the lab to test. If it comes back cancerous we’ll have to get a PET scan to see if there are anymore and start Chemo and radiation. If he hadn’t been shot… we may never have realized he had that tumor.”

Liz gasped, “Oh God. Not Raymond too. Not cancer. Could that be why he’s been having chest pains?”

Dr. Lemar replied, “Yes. It could be. It was putting pressure on his lung which makes it harder for him to breath and may cause pain in his chest if he over exerts himself. Now does he smoke?”

Liz stammered, “Yes. He usually has one cigar a day. He smoked about two packs of cigarettes a day for about 4 or 5 years I think. Before that it seemed to just be the occasional cigar.”

Dr. Lemar replied, “Thank you. I will let you know as soon as the tests come back.”

Liz asked, “Can we go see him?” She was grateful when they were led into Red’s room and sat in the chair holding his hand. 

Red opened his eyes and saw Liz and Dembe. He croaked, “Lizzie….”

Liz wiped the tears from her eyes and replied, “What happened, Raymond?”

Red croaked, “Ambush…. I think. Masha…”

Agnes stood on the other chair and said, “I’m ok, daddy.” She leaned down and rested her head on his shoulder while he weakly held her.

Red croaked, “I was afraid… in all the chaos…. You got hurt.”

Agnes replied, “No, Daddy. I didn’t get hurt. I was scared I would lose you though.”

Red croaked, “I’m to mean to die. I’m a monster. Just ask Lizzie.” 

Agnes cried, “Don’t say that. You’re not mean. You are loving and kind, daddy.”

Red painfully scooted over and coaxed her on the bed with him. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and kissed her head. He rasped, “Shhh. It’s all right. Sorry. I wasn’t trying to upset you.” He was so tired he couldn’t help falling asleep within a few minutes.

Liz leaned over and kissed Red’s forehead and let him sleep. She was dozing in the chair when the doctor came in.

Dr. Lemar said, “Good news. The tumor on Mr. Reddington’s lung is benign. He doesn’t have cancer there but I still want to order a PET scan to make sure there are no other tumors in his body.”

Liz replied, “Yes… Of course. I want to make sure he doesn’t have any cancer in him. I don’t want to lose him like I lost my adoptive father.”When Red started to get a bit stronger she convinced him to get the scan done. She was relieved when it came back negative for cancer.

Red sighed, “See? I’m going to be fine, Lizzie.” He was sitting in a chair in his study after being released from the hospital and few days later. 

Liz replied, “I love you and refuse to lose you like I lost Sam, Raymond. You can’t blame me for wanting you to not die sooner than necessary. It’s bad enough you have semiretired and are STILL getting shot at!”

Red sighed, “I’m not going to live forever. I’m almost 30 years older than you. I have a bad heart and am in pain everyday with my leg. I’m not in any hurry to die but I’ve accepted when the time comes then it will happen no matter what any of us may want. The only thing I hope that if it is a violent death that Masha isn’t there to see it happen.”

Liz replied, “Christ, Raymond. You had Agnes in the middle of a fire fight! She could have been shot and killed! You almost died in front of your daughter’s eyes. This time it was worse than when the Cabal shot you. If you had died….Agnes would never be the same.”

Red rasped, “You think I don’t know that, Lizzie? You think I WANTED my child to be tainted by watching her old man get shot to death? If anything had happened to our daughter I wouldn’t have stopped until I had tortured and killed every last one of the people that caused this. Some of my associates have NO idea how far I will go if they harm MY family. They have no idea what a mistake they made by attacking me with my family there. Trying to kill me is one thing but you NEVER do it where my family can be hurt in the crossfire. They WILL pay. I will find them or die trying.” He went to stand up but stopped when Liz put a hand on his arm.

Liz grabbed his arm and said, “No. I will not have you going on a rampage and getting yourself killed! Our daughter is more important than your vendetta, Raymond. Agnes NEEDS her father more than you need revenge. After what she witnessed she needs you more than ever. You can’t just leave her like that.”

Agnes had been listening and ran into the room crying, “Please, daddy… Don’t leave me!”

Red leaned back in his chair and sighed, “All right. I’ll leave it be but if they are stupid enough to do it again then there will be no one in the world that can stop me from getting to them first to protect my family.” He let her hop on his lap and wrapped his arm around her shoulders and held her while she cried on his chest. He would do anything in the world for his family. Some time later he was trying to light a cigar when she woke up and almost got her hair singed when she moved. He placed a hand on her head to still her while he lit his cigar before waving out the match to place it in his ashtray as he took a couple puffs on the cigar. He blew out the smoke and said, “You almost got singed, sweetheart.”

Agnes replied, “Sorry. I didn’t know you were lighting a cigar, daddy.” She lifted her head when she felt him kiss the top of her head and looked at him. He was leaning back taking a long drag of the cigar and she kissed his cheek. 

Red kissed her forehead and replied, “I’m just glad you pay attention when I stop you from moving. I’d hate to ruin your lovely hair because you kept squirming.” He let her curl up on his opposite shoulder while he had his cigar so he didn’t burn her by accident. When he finally ground out his cigar he held his little girl tightly to him. He rarely truly cried but as he held her he cried because he had almost cost his only child her life. He wondered if both Agnes and Lizzie would be better off without him. He lost one family and he didn’t want to lose this one simply because being with them was endangering them. Lizzie he knew could take care of herself and Agnes if she had too if they went into hiding but if he deserted them…. His enemies might figure they weren’t something that mattered and leave them alone. 

Agnes felt him trembling and looked up to see her father crying. She asked, “Are you all right, daddy? Why are you crying?”

Red stammered, “I just realized how much danger I put you and Lizzie in just by being a part of your lives. I…. Should leave. You’d be a lot safer if my enemies thought you are worthless to me.”

Agnes grasped his vest and cried, “No, daddy!. Please don’t leave me. I’ll be good. I’ll do what you want me to do. I promise. Just don’t leave me. I love you!”

Red soothed, “Shhhh. It’s all right. I’m not going anywhere. You have always been a good girl. My feelings have nothing to do with how good or bad you’ve been. It only has to do with how to keep you safe.” As much as he thought it was smarter to leave them at least for a while he knew he would stay until Agnes didn’t want him around anymore. He wasn’t there for his first daughter and he lost her to an enemy he didn’t expect. He was in too deep with her and loved Lizzie way to much as well. He never was able to just leave either of them since the day they met. He had tried with Lizzie but he always came back like a moth to a flame and he apparently enjoyed getting burnt because she hurt him more times than he can count. She had hurt him, turned on him, betrayed him, and treated him like dirt but he still worshipped the ground she walked on anyway. Lizzie was his way home and Agnes was his home. Together they were what kept him fighting and his reason to live.

Agnes moved her hand and slid it in the V of his open shirt to rest against the skin of his chest and cried. She couldn’t bear losing him not so soon after he almost died. She must have cried herself to sleep because she was awoken by him shaking her gently and calling her name.

Red realized Agnes had cried herself to sleep and let her sleep for a while until he noticed it was late and gently shook her awake. He called, “Masha? Sweetheart? I need you to wake up. I can’t carry you to bed because of my bad leg. You’re going to have to walk with me.”

Agnes was half asleep but managed to sleepily walk with her father to her room and let him change her into her nightgown before tucking her in bed and kissing her forehead good night. She said, “I love you, Daddy.”

Red smiled sadly and replied, “I know, sweetheart.”

Agnes asked, “Do you love me?”

Red sat on her bed next to her and took her small hand. HE replied, “Of course I do. You’re my little girl. My sweet Masha. You are everything to me. If I didn’t have you… My world would be so much darker. You are my light in the darkness.”

Agnes asked, “Why don’t you ever say it? I love you?”

Red, “Swallowed and replied, “It’s just a phrase, Masha. It’s very hard for me to say it because…. The last time I said it was to your half sister before…. She went to heaven. I haven’t been able to say the word since but it doesn’t mean I care about you any less. Maybe someday I’ll be able to say them again but I want you to know.. It means the same thing when I tell you that you are everything to me.”

Agnes replied, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

Red replied, “It’s not your fault….. I never planned to tell you but I didn’t want you to think….I just thought you should know why I can’t say it like you do so easily. I just can’t use those words. I’m sorry.”

Agnes tugged on his hand until he curled up next to her on her small bed and kissed his cheeks, nose, lips and eyes. She replied, “I love you. Even if you can’t say it back, daddy, as long as you love me, I can accept that. You love me?”

Red hugged Agnes close and replied, “With every fiber of my being, Masha.”

Agnes asked, “Will you hold me until I fall asleep?”

Red replied, “All right.”

Agnes replied, “Thank you, daddy.”

Red replied, “You’re welcome.” He kissed her forehead and held her until she fell asleep before trying to carefully stumble out of her bed to go to his own bed. He stripped down to his boxers and took his pills that Dembe had left on his nightstand with a glass of water. He finally managed to get comfortable and curled up behind Lizzie. He spooned her and held her close and let his sleeping pill pull him under as it kicked in.

Red replied, “All right.”

Agnes replied, “Thank you, daddy.”

Red replied, “You’re welcome.” He kissed her forehead and held her until she fell asleep before trying to carefully stumble out of her bed to go to his own bed. He stripped down to his boxers and took his pills that Dembe had left on his nightstand with a glass of water. He finally managed to get comfortable and curled up behind Lizzie. He spooned her and held her close and let his sleeping pill pull him under as it kicked in.


	23. Informant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red Goes to the States and gets delayed by a few familiar faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Red is usually quite tight lipped about many things but I decided to take a little creative liberty with his friendship with Ressler and Cooper. I also considered that two years with Liz might have mellowed and opened him up a bit.

A couple of weeks later Red went on another “business trip” and Lizzie was arguing with him that it was too soon after being shot. He asked, “What do you want me to do, Lizzie? Bring them here? If I do that… They’ll know where we live and can hurt you or Masha. I’d rather die flying than loose you because of a mistake I don’t have to make.” Agnes was sobbing and clinging to him begging him not to go.

Liz sighed, “No I don’t want you to bring them here but can’t you try and delay it until you are cleared to fly again? If something happened to you… I would be sad but Agnes would be devastated. You are her entire world, Raymond. I know if she had to chose who to lose it would be me instead of you.”

Red scrubbed a hand over his face and sighed, “This is someone I can’t simply blow off or delay, Lizzie. He is very important to my business because his business brings in a lot of money for mine. I know you don’t really want to know where my money comes from but this man is the foundation of my empire. That’s why I have to go instead of Dembe. He will only deal with me. Upon my death he will have to deal with Dembe or my lover should you take over and I will tell him as much but while I still breathe he will not talk to anyone but me. I’m sorry. I’ll be home as soon as I am done.” He put on his hat and coat before walking out the door of his home and a sobbing little girl. He knew Lizzie was angry with him but if he lost this client he’s lose everything. He couldn’t let that happen because he wanted to make sure his family was taken care of after he died. He was to much older than Lizzie not to make arrangements for her and Agnes. 

On the way to the airport Dembe said, “You should not have to do this, Raymond. You should stay with your family.”

Red sighed, “I’m doing this for my family. To ensure they have a future if something happens to me.”

Dembe replied, “By committing suicide? How will that solve anything?”

Red sighed, “I… want to ensure Lizzie is taken care of should I meet my maker. This is the only way to ensure she’d be financially taken care of.”

Dembe replied, “Can it not wait until you are well again?”

Red replied, “I’m afraid not. This is a onetime deal that will ensure enough money for my family to be comfortable for a very long time. I will want to return home as soon as my business is concluded.” He felt a bit sick on the flight over but nothing horrible happened to him. He concluded his business as soon as he could so he could get home. On the way to the airport he was stopped by the FBI. He was taken to the post office and sighed.

Ressler did as Cooper instructed and set up a roadblock to stop Reddington from leaving the US again. He wasn’t sure what it was about but he took Red to the post office. He dropped him off in Cooper’s office with Dembe standing beside the older man like always. He was not used to seeing Red with a cane and struggling to look dignified while he limped up the stairs to Cooper’s office. 

Red really didn’t feel like dealing with the FBI today but he really didn’t have a choice since Ressler wouldn’t let him leave the country to go home to Lizzie until he saw Cooper. He felt a hand on his arm as he struggled up Cooper’s stairs and nodded thanks to Ressler for helping him up the stairs. He said, “Thank you, Donald. I’m not….. as agile anymore.”

Ressler asked, “What happened, Reddington?”

Red shrugged and replied, “Solomon got the upper hand. I paid the price for my recklessness.”

Ressler replied, “For what it’s worth. I’m sorry.”

Red laughed bitterly, “It wasn’t your fault, Donald. It was mine. I deserved everything that happened to me. I just wish Lizzie didn’t have a broken down old man like me. You would have been a much better choice, Donald. You are not like me.”

Ressler asked, “What? Liz is with you?”

Red laughed, “Oh.. She didn’t tell you guys? She’s alive and living with me, both her and Agnes for the last 2 years. We have been raising Agnes together. I was unaware she didn’t tell you.”

Ressler asked, “Why you?”

Red replied, “Honestly? I don’t know. It would have made more sense if she had picked you. I am trying to give the both the most normal life I can.”

Ressler looked at Red and suddenly it became clear to him after so long. He said, “You really do love Liz don’t you? That’s why you stuck around everytme she treated you like hell and told you to go away. It also explains why you fell apart when she..”

Red rasped, “Yes, Donald. I do. Her and Agnes are my whole life and I will do everything in my power to protect them until I take my last breath. “

Ressler sighed, “I should have realized that before. I was blinded by your reputation.”

Red replied, “Love is a funny thing, Donald. You never expect to find it in the place I found it. A child that I saved when she was 4 years old and hid with a friend to protect her. When I turned myself in I… never thought I’d ever fall for her but I did. Now.. I am lost without her and do not wish to go on without her. I never thought I’d have another chance to have a family but now I have a daughter and a…. beautiful woman that wants to be with me.”

Cooper was listening to a lot of this and asked, “Are you married to her?”

Red replied, “No. I’d marry her in a heartbeat but I’m not sure she wants to get married. Not to me anyway.”

Cooper asked, “Have you asked her?”

Red sighed, “No. I’m afraid she’ll say no.”

Ressler said, “You might be surprised. I could tell how she felt about you even when she was hurt and angry with you she still loved you.”

Red replied, “I…”

Ressler looked in the older man’s eyes and said, “You really are afraid. The man who isn’t afraid of anything is afraid of Liz saying no. That is a twist. Look Years ago I hated you because you were to good at hiding for me to catch you and what I read in your file. After getting to truly know and work with you… I found you to be an honorable man to those that you consider important and family. You protect and help those that matter to you and dare I say consider friends or allies. You saved my ass enough times for me to respect you and believe had you life been different we may have been friends instead of enemies. When it comes to Liz… You were willing to die for her for no reason in our eyes at the time but as time went one you fell in love with her didn’t you? I get that but I never really understood why you always were willing to die for her until Liz told us you almost died saving her when she was 4 years old.”

Cooper said, “Before you ask nothing Liz told us ever left this site because it didn’t really matter since you were an asset and you would only stay that way as long as she was part of the team. Your intel was more important than anything from your past with her. Especially since it took her 2 years to remember any of it.”

Red sighed, “Thank you for not passing it on. I stayed out of her life as long as I could but I really had no choice when she joined the FBI. She was all I had left that mattered to me. I could see the sharks circling and had to protect her from them. I never expected to…. Feel this way. To the point that when she died I wanted to die as well. I never expected it to devastate me like it did when I believed she was dead.”

Ressler asked, “How are Liz and Agnes?”

Red replied, “They are fine and happy. She found me two years ago through Mr. Kaplan because I was…. Killing myself with booze and cigarettes. Agnes is going to school and Liz is profiling again at the local police station. Maybe you all should take a vacation and visit sometime. I’m sure she misses you… especially you, Donald. You were pretty close and I know Harold was like a father figure to her after Sam died. I will warn you right now if ANY of you try to take her and our little girl from me I will kill you. Is that clear?”

Ressler replied, “Crystal. I wouldn’t do that. If she is happy with you then we have no right to interfere except to protect her from harm anyway. If you ever need our help protecting her we will help. We are still hurt that she faked her death but she is still family to us and we will take her in if she ever needs a safe place to go. Then when it is safe if she wishes to return to you we will help her get home to you.”

Red replied, “Thank you, Donald. I hope I never have to call in that favor but… Someone recently shot me at the airport when I arrived home with my daughter. I don’t care about me but they almost shot Agnes and that I will not allow. Now what did you abduct me for so I can go home to my family?”

Cooper gave him the run down on the intel they had about a high profile case they needed Red’s help with and was grateful when the criminal agreed to help them. 

Red replied, “I will help you as it keeps me as you asset and allows me to remain free but I need to call my family to let them know I will be a few days. I also need to let Baz know to keep a close eye on them.”

Cooper replied, “That is fine. You can call them any time you wish that we have down time.”

Red dialed his home number and smiled when his little girl picked up. He said, “Hey, Masha. How was school? Good. I’m afraid I need to stay in the States a few more days. I know, sweetheart. I’m sorry. I’ll take you shopping when I get home. I miss you too. Could you put Lizzie on? Thank you. Lizzie…. Our friends at the post office need my help. Yeah I will, honey. You just take care of yourself and Masha. Stay close to Baz until get home. Yeah I know but humor me. Thank you. I’ll be home as soon as I can. Yeah I’ll tell them. I’ll call you later.” He laughed at her last statement. He then called Baz to let him know to watch his family closely until he got home.

Ressler asked, “What’s so funny?”

Red replied, “Oh Lizzie said to tell you hello and I quote “The father of my child had better come home in one piece or I will skin you all alive.” End quote. You see… Agnes is glued to my hip and it would devastate her if anything happens to me. I’m the only father she’s ever known. Anyway let’s get this over with so I can go home.” Within a couple of days he was able to track down their fugitive and was packing to go home when Ressler showed up at his hotel.

Ressler said, “Thank you for your help.”

Red replied, “You’re welcome, Donald.”

Ressler asked, “Who is Masha? Certainly not Liz.”

Red sighed, “No. Liz used to be until she was 4 but now my little Masha is Agnes. She asked me to give her a nickname that would just be special to me and I chose that one. It’s a name that only I call her and she will be the last Masha in my life. She looked so much like her mother at 4 years old that the name fit.”

Ressler replied, “That’s kind of sweet. You love Agnes enough to give her a name that makes her feel special to you. I should have realized you’d have no problem raising another man’s child.”

Red sighed, “The child is not to blame for who her father is and shouldn’t be punished because of their father. No matter who their parents are it doesn’t matter if they are raised properly.” He wasn’t ready to tell anyone else Agnes was his and not Tom’s because then there would be more questions that he didn’t care answer. On the way to the airport he called Lizzie and Baz telling them he was coming home. He got home in the middle of the night and as soon as he fell into bed he found that Agnes had woken up when he came in. He scooted over and let her crawl in with him. He had Lizzie on one side and Agnes on the other one. Both were curled on his shoulders and had arms wrapped around his rounded belly. He kissed the top of both their heads and tried to go to sleep. He later woke up and shifted against Agnes’ back and held her close because he knew she needed him to be affectionate with her after him being gone a week.

Agnes said, “I missed you, daddy.”

Red replied, “I know. I missed you too, sweetheart.”

Agnes said, “I was so scared you wouldn’t come home. After what happened last time..”

Red kissed the back of her head and replied, “Shh. I’m home now so you can stop worrying. I’m fine just very tired. I’m not going anywhere for a while so you can hang on me all you want after I get sleep.”

Agnes replied, “OK,daddy.”She rolled over to face him and tucked her head against his chest and placed her hand on his belly gently pulling on his hair there. She was happy he didn’t bother with a top anymore. She found touching his warm skin was comforting. 

So with that Red fell asleep sandwiched between his two beloved women in his life, one gently pulling the hair on his belly and the other caressing his head. He never felt more loved in his life, not even by his first wife and child.

Liz curled against Red’s back and ran her hand over his head a few times before wrapping an arm around his middle and resting her head against his shoulder blade. She was grateful he made it home in one piece.


End file.
